Latest revision as of 00:23, 24 December 2006

Molianism is a religion that began in The Selfless Crowd under the reign of King Joren von Loudstammer XXIII around the year 1350, back when the Selfless Crowd was a monarchy and was then known as Saarbaieraenioau (pronounced Sar-behr-AN-oh). A combination of various Apocalyptic mystery cults, animism, and vernacular superstitious practices, Molianism was a key force in defining what would later become known as the Selfless Crowd's identity, and even brought about the first period of mass anarchy in the Selfless Crowd's history.

Origins

Molianism was founded during the reign of King Joren von Loudstammer XXIII (1348-1364) during a brief period of religious freedom sparked by King Joren's severing of ties with the Catholic Church. The reason why is highly speculative, but an account written by the king's trumpeteer's servant recalls an argument over the location of a new shrine to house a piece of St. Martin's earlobe. Seeing Rome's insistnce that the earlobe be placed outside rather than inside Saarbaieraenioau's capital as an insult to his rule, King Joren XXIII renounced all ties to Rome and declared that his kingdom no longer had a state religion, which led to a twenty year war with the Vatican during which "millions died and millions more lost their limbs", according to a contemporary general. Saarbaieraenioau's army in fact numbered 700,000 men dispersed around various fiefs, according to one of the king's advisors, however.

Tenets

Molianism is centered around the belief that an angel who only revealed himself as "Molian" (hence the name of the religion itself) possessed a human being named Faarengaard after he had found one of his prized pigs in the mouth of a giant white wolf by its leg. According to the Molianist Epic "Faarengaard Molianarat", Faarengaard wrestled the white wolf for seven days to save his pig. Losing his pig, Faarengaard slew the wolf with an ax, and went mad, allegedly while Molian penetrated his mind. Emerging from the forest as the angel Molian, Faarengaard passed on esoteric knowledge of when the Apocalypse would arrive and how to a set of thirteen men and their wives known as the Molianariat. To the general population, however, Faarengaard/Molian said that "eternal glory shall be thine in the eyes of Molian if thou liveth, breatheth, and dieth for thy Molianariat". Faarengaard then disappeared into the forest again, allegedly while shouting about flying pigs, never to be seen again.

The Molianariat began spreading Faarengaard/Molian's teachings to the general population. His teachings are as follows, according to the vast numbers of illuminated manuscripts compiled to house them:

1. Molian is a super-angel who was concealed from "all mortal knowing" until he posessed Faarengaard.

2. Molian was "always present" in "all earthly things", and when Molian possessed Faarengaard, he bound Faarengaard to "his silvery eternal being" and "bound Himself to the human being [i.e. the human race]".

3. All human and natural events taking place after Faarengaard's possession would lead up to the Apocalypse. The rest of natural and human history was a random accident because the world was populated by heathen faiths that putrefied the earth and made the "stone, the soil, and the oceans unclean in the eyes of the Holy Molian".

4. The Apocalypse itself would take place "in the name of Molian". Apocalyptic events would begin with the slaughter of a firstborn child and the world itself would end with the slaughter of a firstborn farm-animal. Therefore, Molianists are afraid to slaughter firstborn children as well as firstborn farm-animals: firstborn children out of fear of igniting the Apocalypse, and firstborn farm-animals out of fear of ending the world, in case somebody somewhere killed a firstborn child beforehand and the world seems to be coming to an end at the time.

5. The Apocalyptic events themselves are somehow embedded into the "Sacred Name of Molian".

6. The way in which they are embedded is a closely guarded secret, known only by the Original Thirteen and their descendents. It is the job of the Original Thirteen to guide the Molianist community in such a way that they are prepared for the Apocalypse according to their knowledge of what will occur.

The only holidays that are observed are Festivvs Molian, a fast-day, and Festivvs Molianariat, another fast-day during which the Faarengaard Molianarat is read 500 times per household over a period of two weeks. Should the 500 not be completed, a Molianist is required to slaughter a firstborn pig, so only few have ever faltered in reading the epic 500 times.

Mathematical Proof of the Existence of Molian

Molianists claim to have a mathematical formula for the existence of Molian found in the Molianist Scriptures. It is said to be the most flawless logic ever thought of in the history of mankind, since, of course, Molian thought of it.

The formula goes as such:

'Behold, you mortals! Behold, I am hidden in the laws of mathematics!' 'Spake the Holy Molian, "Behold! One plus two equaleth three! But why doth the first child plus the second child not equaleth the third child?"' 'Or the first day plus the second day not equal the third day? Because I willed it! I willed one plus two equaleth to three, but the first plus the second not equal the third!' 'Behold! Proof of a divine order to the universe!"'

Therefore the Molianist equation for Molian is 1+2=3. Because it just "is".

In addition, because Molianists see all events and ideas before Molian as random happenings and thoughts, 1+2 did not equal 3 until Molian came to earth in the year 1352.

Further History

The Original Thirteen all died within fifteen years of being visited by the Molian. Their descendants started their own secret Molianist societies that accepted (few) members based on their moral character. Each society was devoted to finding the mystical meaning behind the Sacred Name of Molian. Each society had its own texts, allegedly written by one of the Molianariat, with which to contemplate Molian.

These societies soon gained the attention of the nobility, many of whom became avid Molianists and contributed a large amount of money to Molianist societies. Inevitably, the Molianariat's bloodline became one with that of the nobility over time, so the Molianists now controlled vast armies and could influence events politically.

The Dispute

About 100 years after the Molian appeared on Earth, the Molianist secret societies suddenly found out that Molian's name was spelled wrong. They knew this because people who hopped from one secret society to another found out that each society spelled "Molian" differently.

This was a grave affront to the faith, as the holiest word in existence, and which held the secret to the Apocalypse, simply had to be spelled right.

The Saarbaieraenioauan language had a very complicated spelling, and was written only by the wealthy and the clergy. Yet even they couldn't spell right at times because the language simply had such big long words and used alot of vowels, and had no real spelling rules thanks to general illiteracy. "Molian" was spelled everything from "Moialean", "Mooliaan", "Muoualiin", "Moliiaenn", "Moleean", "Mullian", etc. and still be pronounced the same.

The Molianariat (which by then consisted of 250 purported descendants of the Original Thirteen, who each spelled "Molian" differently), called a council in 1467 to decide on the correct spelling of "Molian", relying on scripture, commentary, interpretation, and apocrypha.

Unable to decide on a proper spelling, they consulted an oracle, who told them to pay her 200 pieces of silver for every letter she came up with after talking to Molian himself. Desperate, they agreed, and the spelling came out to be:

"Moaioullieouannnyyyd"

War!

The Sages of Molian were in shock that Molian's name was actually spelled "Moaioullieounnnyyyd". It was not the same as any previous spellings before, so one of the Sages drew his sword and cut off the Oracle's head (according to historical records, this was not the first time this happened to Oracles).

A few days later though, they found out the Oracle was a firstborn child. Mass-panic ensued, as the Molianariat were sure that the world was going to end. They had all the firstborn pigs locked up in tiny cages and thrown into the river so they wouldn't get slaughtered, employing massive armies and militias to carry out that task [see the "Tenets" section]. Men, women, and children were killed and injured, salt was sown into the fields, crops burned, and because all the vineyards were burned down, the nobles could not get any wine and they grew "very very angry".

Soon, riots broke out in the "name of Molian!" Mass-panic and mass-fleshwounds became apparent. And in the midst of it all, the different Molianist sects were fighting each other over the proper spelling of the "Holy Name of Molian" in any of its alternate spellings. Men, women, and children all fought to the death over the Holy Molian and his sacred pigs.

In 1469, King Joren von Loudstammer XXX died when he choked on an uncooked thistle leaf dipped in tar that was meant to cure his hallucinations about flying pigs. Anarchy was now official.

Fighting's End

The first period of mass-anarchy in the Selfless Crowd's history was later nicknamed the "Grammarian Wars" and the "War of the Pigs". It is alleged that over 5 million people died in this war, one half of Saar-(however you spell it)'s population at the time.

It all ended in 1503, when all the firsborn pigs the Molianist armies could find were cast into the sea or burned.

Meanwhile, the Molianariat, down to three members, agreed on one spelling: Molian. It is still used today, and spelling it wrong was punishable by life in prison up until the Selfless Crowd went into its second period of mass-anarchy.

Legacy

Molianism is still practiced in what is now known as the Selfless Crowd, though it is now unclear who the Molianariat is now, since all the secret Molianist societies have all but dissapeared.

Molianism has the largest amount of apocrypha by far of any religion to date, simply because "Molian" is spelled differently in these documents.

Anyone over 18 who was caught spelling "Molian" in a different way was placed in prison for life if found guilty. Schoolchildren who spelled it wrong were suspended.