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| Abe DeGuzman
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Abe DeGuzman is the Federal Republic's ambassador to the Dominion of Kivisto. His appointment as ambassador coming on the heels of the Kivistans' unexpected decision to open diplomatic channels with outside nations, DeGuzman -- one of many, many candidates whose names were submitted by ordinary Kennyites vying for the chance to ship their no-good friends and relatives off to far-away lands -- likely never would have been chosen to represent OMGTKK in one of its most important embassies (you know, because there are only so many available posts abroad, and the government can't possibly appoint all the nuisances whose names come in to the State Department). But then the Dominion and the Federal Republic started playing a friendly game of "Who Can Appoint the Biggest Sleaze as Their Nation's Ambassador?", or whatever, and DeGuzman's name instantly shot to the top of the list.
Kivistan
Regional Acolyte Vanessa Lapreuve initiated the embassy exchange by announcing as her government's designee Paavo Haiti, whom colleagues described as "a womanizing alcoholic" who "spends more time abroad in bars looking at broads ... than actually thinking about politics," and mostly enjoyed his previous jobs managing Kivistan protectorates because "alcohol has been banned in the Dominion for ages, so he enjoys the idea of traveling to lands where it is readily available." Reported the Kivistan Press, "The general consensus is that he is the perfect choice to send to Omigodtheykilledkenny." Not to be outdone, the State Department chose DeGuzman, an eighth-year pre-med student at Kennsylvania State University who spent most of his time doing "extracurricular activities," namely judging wet T-shirt contests at frat parties, getting girls drunk so he can feel them up, selling fake IDs, illegal parking, and go-go dancing. University officials were practically begging the
Fernanda Administration to send him to Kivisto, where at least he'd feel at home.
DeGuzman certainly did, filling up his first week on the job establishing himself as the Kivistan bordello industry's very best customer. He might also have done something, you know, diplomatic, but it was likely overshadowed by all the "Bringin' in Da Noise, Bringin' in Da Creepy" -- which by itself greatly improved relations with the Dominion, so the ambassador's superiors aren't complaining or anything.
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