Allied Antarctic Asskickers

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Allied Antarctic Asskickers
Headquarters: The 'Burgh, The Palentine
Members: 22
Type: Mutual Defense
Forum: Antarctic Oasis regional forum

Allied Antarctic Asskickers (AAA) is the regional mutual-defense alliance for Antarctic Oasis. Headquartered in The 'Burgh, capital of the The Palentine, the organization is committed to regional defense, preventing the region's psychotic governments from warring with each other, fending off attacks on AAA member states, and scaring the bejesus out of potential enemies by marshalling the combined forces of regional allies, notably OMGTKK's Stripper Commandos and "military-grade natives," The Palentine's obscene naval dolphins, combat-hardened baaaaaaaaaatalions of the Gruenberger army, ... uhhhh ... some other really scary armies, ... er, a bunch of Nazi smurfs, ... I think one nation has a surly border guard with a pointy stick, ... aaaand some ladies who can strip and turn into penguins. (And let's not forget Cluichstan's frickin' Death Star.)

The AAA Treaty, cementing the alliance (and comprising a major accomplishment of President Manuelo Fernanda's administration, and something the president can shove in his opponent's face the next election save his Lloyd's of London-insured fists), is the charter of the organization. As stipulated in Article 18, the ex-officio head of the AAA is the region's permanent defense secretary, the Evil Conservative Empire of The Palentine.

AAA Treaty

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"The Destructor from Del Fuego," the author of the AAA Treaty, beats the holy snot out of some dipshit trying to exploit a loophole in the treaty text. The law means what the law says, bitch! Just ask Ausserland! The pictured loophole-wanker later tried to invoke Article 5 under the treaty.
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The AAA Treaty is the central governing document of the regional defense organization. It lays out expectations of member states, fosters intraregional cooperation on defense matters, declares an attack upon member to be an attack upon all, and establishes a basic framework for organizational governance.

History

The finalized version of the AAA Treaty was essentially the product of the entire region perfecting the art of sitting around and doing nothing for weeks on end. No, seriously. It took two whole months from the time the Fernanda Administration first proposed writing the treaty to the time it was actually signed. In the same amount of time, the United Nations managed to pass 10 resolutions, while the Federal Republic spent an entire month sitting on its hands before finally producing a workable tentative draft, which even then wasn't the whole document.

It all started when President Fernanda, overcome by the sheer ineptitude of his treaty task force, wrote his own draft, and after several regional leaders underwent reconstructive surgery on their voice boxes from laughing so hard at "the Destructor's" insane ramblings, the initial draft was rejected outright. The month that followed consisted mostly of the region's leaders agreeing about how nice it would be to have an actual treaty for their alliance, but not much beyond that -- although OMGTKK Vice President Antigone Morgan did have a productive meeting at the Gruenberger embassy with Ambassador Moltan Bausch, where it was decided, Bausch would escort Morgan to the treaty signing. And some other stuff, too, I guess. I can't remember. But basically, the two of them are hot for each other.

So after weeks more of doing nothing, and finding no other nation in the region willing to do it for them, the Fernanda Administration agreed that someone had to write the stupid treaty. The only question was, who? The secretary of state had to get a new car stereo installed that week, so he couldn't do it, and the national security advisor was busy with important national security stuff, like shoe-shopping and appearing on the cover of Vogue. The vice president was recuperating from an emergency liposuction (er, I mean a very nasty leg-waxing), and the defense secretary had just been indicted for high treason. The UN ambassador was busy doing ... whatever it is boring guys do. Reading the Encycopaedia Britannica, I suppose, to look for proposal ideas, and fucking the vice president (allegedly!). With so many of his top officials out of commission, the task once again devolved upon Fernanda. Sleep well, Antarctic Oasis! Manuelo's in charge!

The text having been screened this time by Secretary of State Alex Tehrani and UN Ambassador Sammy Faisano, the region's leaders were impressed by how much Fernanda's new draft didn't bite the big one; it had some good stuff in it, and besides, none of them wanted to write a better treaty, so they all decided to stick with this one. A few more weeks of tinkering, adding a preamble, getting drunk with the swearing dolphins and shocking a few local girls, followed by a few riveting episodes of the Bausch-Morgan soap opera, and everyone was ready to fly to Paradise City to get drunk, sign the document, party with the CPESL, and get drunk some more.

Treaty Text

The State Parties to this Treaty affirm their desire to anger, shock, frighten, alarm, provoke and escalate tensions with all peoples and all governments. They are determined to safeguard the freedom, common heritage, and civilization of their peoples, founded on the principles of unrelenting tyranny, malice, corruption and greed; callous disregard for human rights and individual liberties; stickin' it to the gnomes; and tying hippies to stakes and lighting a fire under their asses till they go up like fireworks ("Whoooo!!! Look at 'em go!!!"). They are convinced that these freedoms cannot be safeguarded absent the annihilation of Allemande and its estimated 70 million puppets ... your bachelor's degree in economics ain't gonna get you out of this one, bitch -- not when we have the frickin' Death Star! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! They seek to promote stability and well being in Antarctic Oasis, as well as hoarding cash, straight pimpin' like it's going out of style, making hoochies scream like they're in labor, and promoting the common interests of their citizens -- particularly the "interests" of the hot chick who's flashing me outside my office window. Yeah!! Take it off, baby!! Where you gonna be at later?! They are resolved to unite their efforts for collective defense and for the preservation of peace and security in the region, and to heed the immortal words a certain Oasis nation's gallant naval protectors: "Get the *bleep!* *bleep!* CPESL workers *bleep!* *bleep!* *bleep!* polishing my *bleep!* *bleep!* callboys?! What the *bleep!* *bleep!* God-damned cutesie-wutesie kitten-worshipers *bleep!* * bleep!* *bleep!* <unbelievably obscene expletive> purple monkey dishwasher, and *bleep!* *bleep!* <excessively gross act> *bleep!* stupid goat-herders *bleep!* *bleep!* all over the fucking place."

They therefore have agreed to the following:

1. The name of this organization shall be Allied Antarctic Asskickers (AAA);

2. States are members of AAA:

  • That are members of the Antarctic Oasis region;
  • That have signed and ratified this treaty;
  • That are in compliance with its mandates;
  • That are innately roguish, staggeringly insane, woefully uncompassionate, dangerously megalomaniacal, massively corporate-whoring, oppressive and tyrannical, or otherwise terribly corrupt;
  • That have nuked Norderia, or would really, really like to;

2a. States not meeting the conditions of Article 2 may serve as observers to this organization, provided that they respect the conditions of Article 3 in their dealings with the alliance and its members;

3. AAA members shall respect the territorial sovereignty and integrity of all member states; resolve to settle disputes with alliance members diplomatically; agree to abide by any findings of the regional security council with respect to intra-alliance disputes; reserve the use force against alliance members for extreme and unavoidable circumstances; and generally piss off the commies and peaceniks of the world to no end;

4. AAA members shall maintain diplomatic relations with all alliance members, and any instances of recalling ambassadors shall coincide with the employment or retention of a lesser envoy;

5. An unprovoked attack upon one AAA member shall be deemed an attack upon all;

6. In accordance with invocations of Article 5, AAA members are expected to:

  • Come to the aid of attacked members, whether such aid be military, economic or humanitarian;
  • Share credible and relevant intelligence concerning any enemies of the alliance with besieged members, or parties agreeing to supply military assistance to the same;
  • Allow the use of domestic airspace, ports, military bases, and transportation infrastructure to attacked members and regional military allies;
  • Lend political support to any military action taken against enemies of the alliance;
  • Assist with diplomatic efforts to end the violence and avoid unnecessary loss life, provided such diplomacy is supported by attacked members;
  • Welcome refugees from affected areas into their borders;
  • Barring all else, hold a Sexy Party;

7. AAA members are strongly encouraged to contribute forces to a regional Peacekeeping Operations, Security Enhancement and Rapid-reaction (POSER) Force, which shall be deployed at the direction of the regional security council;

8. AAA members are urged to participate in ongoing regional countergnome operations;

9. AAA members are enlisted to contribute technologies and funds for the research, development and deployment of a region-wide land-, sea- and space-based missile-defense system;

10. AAA members are encouraged to work cooperatively toward the advancement of military technologies necessary to improve national defenses;

11. AAA members are strongly urged to give priority to companies inside the alliance with respect to awarding military contracts;

12. AAA members are encouraged to forge agreements regarding the basing of troops and construction and upgrading of military installations inside each others' borders;

13. AAA members retain the right to develop, produce, deploy and utilize any weapons their leaders deem necessary for national defense, or raising the ire of obnoxious "peace" protesters;

14. AAA members are encouraged to remain hostile, arrogant, cowboyish, erratic and overall belligerent and saber-rattling in their dealings with outside nations and the international community at large, and to that end are urged to hold extraneous and unnecessary displays of military strength -- including staging massive troop processions, unannounced weapons tests, and hauling big-ass missiles down the street during holiday parades or whatever;

15. AAA members party to mandates of the United Nations are expected to recognize and respect the supremacy of international law, even where it contradicts provisions of this agreement;

16. A regional security council -- consisting of Omigodtheykilledkenny and The Palentine as permanent members, and three rotating members chosen annually by existing council members (without objection from alliance members) -- shall govern the administration of this treaty. Antarctic Oasis Charter Nations not serving on the council shall serve as nonvoting observers.

17. The regional security council shall:

  • Address threats to regional security, and direct AAA defense policy accordingly;
  • Approve, without unnecessary delay, invocations of Article 5;
  • Arbitrate serious disputes between members of this treaty;
  • Investigate any accusations of noncompliance on the part of alliance members;
  • Demand those members found in noncompliance to take necessary steps to come back into compliance;
  • Authorize punitive sanctions against those that refuse to do so;
  • Command the regional POSER Force;
  • Admit new members to this alliance beginning one month after this treaty's adoption; prior to that time, any nation meeting the conditions of Article 2 is to be considered a member;
  • Expel members, by unanimous vote;
  • Remain insanely corrupt, forge highly questionable and unethical relationships with regional military contractors, and pressure AAA members into awarding lucrative projects to said contractors, by way of mob enforcers, brass knuckles and broken kneecaps if necessary;

18. The Palentine, as permanent regional defense secretary, is entitled to preside over the regional security council, and to choose the AAA Supreme Allied Commander;

19. This treaty shall be amended by majority vote of the regional security council, pending approval by nine nations who were signatories to this agreement at the time of an amendment's adoption;

20. Any member of this alliance may withdraw after giving the security council six months' notice of its intentions.

Signatories

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Cluichstan's frickin' Death Star.
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AAA Headquarters

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An artist's conception of the AAA Command Center.
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The regional defense headquarters, occupying a few hundred acres of neutral territory in a remote wilderness area on the outskirts of The 'Burgh, consists of an immense complex with both above- and below-ground levels. It was completed in record time (and only about 4.13 billion greenbacks overbudget), thanks to veiled threats from His Imperial Dooziness Captain Spaulding I and HIH Jhessan Spaulding, and despite the Teamsters' repeated coffee breaks, extended "leisure periods," and mass embezzlement of construction funds.

On the surface, the building resembles a forboding, squat Hexegon with many gun emplacements, unidentifiable antennas and other objects. The above-ground-level floors are reserved mostly for staff and liaisons to the various treaty members and their militaries. A Starbucks and a couple of fine drinking establishments are also rumoured to be in the upper levels. A couple of hardened rooftop helipads are also available for member usage. Observers believe, however, that the really good stuff is located below ground in a hardened bunker area known as "the Pit." It is rumoured to contain a command center for coordinating allied military actions, a secured meeting area for the regional security council, offices for the Antarctic Oasis Charter Nations, a CPESL lounge, and a changing room for Kennyite Stripper Commandos.

Regional Security Council

The RSC is made up of the top dogs in regional defense. Under Article 17, they're extremely powerful, staggeringly corrupt and incahoots with the mob. So don't mess with them.

Permanent Voting Members

  • Omigodtheykilledkenny
  • The Palentine

Rotating Voting Members

  • Karmicaria
  • The Evil Smurfs
  • Gruenberg

Nonvoting Observers

  • Kivisto
  • Lois-Must-Die

Additional Resources

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