Antarctic Oasis Economic Advancement Agreement
The Antarctic Oasis Economic Advancement Agreement is the regional free trade agreement of Antarctic Oasis, but open to signature to any nation that meets its requirements and is accepted by the charter nations. The agreement was conceived as a way of promoting regional stability, communications and most importantly commerce, and of getting a document of quite stupendous silliness recognised as a formal article of international law. It should also be noted that the AOEAA is not an organization in itself, but simply an agreement (and an appallingly unpronouncable acronym).
History
The AOEAA was inspired by (read: shamelessly ripped from) the regional free trade treaty of the International Democratic Union, though a number of other regions have similar agreements. It was proposed by Gruenberg: initially conceived by the State Institute for Research and Development, it became a focus of Sultan Gardab Woltzten IX's policy aims for 2006 once economic performance had been identified as a key factor in the Monarchist Party's successes in the recent elections. In his annual Review of the Purse speech, he advocated the idea of promoting regional free trade, and his ideas were quickly taken note of in other nations throughout Antarctic Oasis.1
Drafting
The drafting of the agreement was led by Moltan Bausch, then Gruenberg's Ambassador to the United Nations. Despite relatively minimal experience in matters of international trade, Bausch's familiarity with Antarctic Oasis regionmates was deemed to be crucial, and he was assigned to chair the committee drafting the agreement. The committee was staffed by experts on a range of subjects relating to trade, international relations and extreme frisbee, including Iffne Hevan, later to serve the Gruenberger Office of UN Affairs as intellectual property advisor; the representatives of other nations addressed their assorted comments and suggestions to this committee. The first draft, a relatively minimal effort in the general framework of a traditional free trade treaty, met with fairly wide approval;2 subsequent versions began to expand its provisions, such as specifying a set of industries of regional significance for special treatment, at the suggestion of Omigodtheykilledkenny Secretary of State Alex Tehrani.3
By this point, Bausch had been dismissed from his post as UN Ambassador; he was allowed to continue to chair the proceedings, however, and his resolved to see the agreement passed was strengthened, less by his sense of personal pride and unquenchable determination, than by three quarts of Wild Turkey. He therefore attempted to "repackage" elements of it that had been received less favourably (such as the regional stability tax, to fund the construction of the world's largest ice cream sundae), to seem more appealling - including, at Jack Riley's suggestion, renaming the agreement to an "Economic Advancement Agreement". He had no such qualms about retaining the clauses suiting his own financial interests, however.4 After a few final provisions were haggled over, including the reinstatement of the declaration that "pirates > ninjas" and ensuring the total neutering of the Secretariat for administration of the agreement, it was opened for signature on June 10, 2006.5
Text
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The Parties to this Treaty, Wishing to strengthen their mutual bonds of harmony, Desirous of creating conditions of economic prosperity, cooperative agreement, strengthened trust, and general brotherly love, Believing that free trade is a good, fair, noble and worthy mechanism through which to achieve the above goals, Vomiting copiously at the previous sentiments, Accepting this is actually all about financial collaboration between the corporate fatcats and autocrats who run this place at the expense of the citizen (but really, who cares about them? The ACLU? Ooh, I'm scared already!), Laughing at the inevitability of monolithic transnationals steamrolling small businesses, civil liberties, environmental beauty-spots and those annoying orange traffic cones on their path to total, unscalable hegemony, And yeah, stuff, Have agreed as follows: 1. Pirates > ninjas; 2. All signatories shall progressively reduce all protectionist mechanisms, including tariffs, import taxes, customs duties and import quotas, on goods and services traded between other signatories: - all protectionist mechanisms in the trade between signatories of Annex-listed items shall be removed within 10 years; - all protectionist mechanisms in the trade of other items between signatories shall be removed within 20 years; 3. Exemptions from the provisions of Article 2 shall be granted as follows: - tariffs not exceeding 5% after 20 years may be retained on non-Annex-listed items, provided all such tariffs are aimed primarily at the return of revenue for public works and building HUGE robots; - no signatory may be obliged by this Agreement to violate international law (though they're encouraged to do so) and as such may retain restrictions or prohibitions on the trade of illegal or hazardous materials; - the conditions of Clause 2 do not apply to military contracts, but do apply to civilian firearms, military equipment for civilian use, and 'noisemakers'; - free trade in services shall not affect immigration policies, so signatory nations maintain the right to keep the dirty foreigners out; - subsidies shall not be prohibited, and signatories shall retain the right to pour vats of money into small businesses, big businesses and their own pockets, at will; - Clause 2 shall not apply to anyone who beats "the Destructor from Del Fuego" in single combat; 4. Lol butts; 5. All signatory nations shall retain the right to impose cultural, religious, ethical and safety standards for goods and services traded between members of this Agreement, so long as such provisions are applied equitably and in a non-protectionist capacity, and are based on legitimate concerns such as moral propriety and mechanical effectiveness, rather than wussy cop-outs like 'public safety', 'unreasonable risk of explosion' or 'argh my face'; 6. No signatory shall enact any embargo or trade blockade, nor participate in the enacting of such, against any other signatory, except in times of declared war between all signatories involved in the embargo; 7. All signatories shall agree a common tariff with non-signatory trade partners, shall work to establish further free trade links, shall agree on common intellectual property law, and shall generally piss off the commies no end; 8. All signatories shall institute a 1% stability FLUFFY WUFFY TEDDY BEAR tax on all foreign exchange transactions, to be put towards building the world's largest ice-cream sundae; 9. All signatories shall work to eliminate trusts and cartels, and to regulate monopolies and mergers of all companies of which Moltan Bausch does not hold a director's seat; 10. All signatories shall exercise their utmost legislative and judicial power to protect midgets and penguins; 11. Signatories may suspend the terms of this Agreement for not more than 120 days per year in times of declared national emergency, war or pilchard shortages; 12. The terms for joining the Agreement shall be depositing with the Head of State of any Charter Nation a note of acceptance; 12a. The terms for leaving the Agreement shall be submitting records of all economic returns since 1627, and then filling out forms P32A, P56-89C, P74I, P999R, PZPZPZPZPZ, P44411MN, P3.14159Y, and PThehillsarealive!Withthesoundofmusic77, in triplicate, and submitting the tan forms, double-signed in red and single date-stamped in black, to the Central Gas Depot Store at 42, Ironside Crescent, Scunthorpe, the buff forms, triple-signed in green and double-date stamped to nine decimal places in magenta, to the fourth floor office, third corridor on the left, ninth door on the right, through the skylight, onto the helipad, take the chopper to Caracas where a man with a white hat will tell you the location of the Jade Monkey, and the wheatgrass-and-opium forms, signed four hundred and fifty seven times in the blood of a (probably fairly plump) virgin and date stamped here, here, there, just to the left a bit and yeah, that's the spot, oh yeah, just there, that's it, oh that's good, in the colour of one hand clapping in a deserted forest, to Room 722B, where you will train with wise Oriental masters for the seven years in the art of catching a fly without moving your hand - this will be utterly unhelpful, as your next task will be to fold the papers into an figurative interpretation of an Ennio Morricone tune, which you will be asked to name for ten bonus points, before choosing between Box A, Box B, Box C, or gamble it all for our luxury star prize - a four-night stay in a guesthouse in Torquay, where you will be informed that you submitted the first form incorrectly - it was meant to be date-stamped root ten times and sealed in liquid nitrogen for a thousand years for an amateur archaeologist with a fetish for Hobnob crumbs to discover - and told to rejoin the back of the line to fill out the forms again;12b. Any signatory found to be in violation of this Treaty, or who insults Vice President Morgan's fashion sense, may be expelled from the Agreement by a vote of the Agreement Council, which shall consist of representatives of five nations, and shall be astonishingly corrupt; 13. A Secretariat for the administration of this Treaty shall be formed: its official languages shall be Phoenician, Atlantean and Oompa Loopman, and it shall be so comically understaffed, underfunded, overworked and generally abysmal, as to avoid the possibility of it actually doing anything. Annex - Privileged Industries The items in this section shall be subject to special treatment, and the trade and cooperation in these sectors is highly encouraged: |
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Provisions
The agreement is a fairly standard free trade agreement, reducing tariffs, import quotas and other protectionist mechanisms, though specifically exempting subsidies. A series of exemptions are applied. Other provisions clauses cover intellectual property law, a common external tariff, anti-monopoly laws, safety regulations and the protection of midgets. The agreement is easy to join - compliance and contact with a charter nation being the only requirements - but extraordinarily hard to leave.
Secretariat
A Secretariat was formed by Clause 13 of the Agreement; given regional dislike of committees, it is specifically designed as unworkable and imcompetent, generally hiring only the most wildly unsuitable staff, and severely constrained by its use of dead languages for all official publications. Pendle Korbitz was its first Director of Operations, a position now held by a tulip called Jan.
Notes
- Sultan Joins Calls For Free Trade Zone
- First draft of Antarctic Oasis Regional Free Trade Agreement
- Discussion of Antarctic Oasis Regional Free Trade Agreement
- Revised draft of Happy Fluffy Antarctic Oasis Regional Economic Advancement Agreement
- Antarctic Oasis Economic Advancement Agreement
