Antigone Morgan
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|---|---|
| Nation | Omigodtheykilledkenny |
| Title | Vice President of the Federal Republic |
| Term in office | June 6, 2005 - June 6, 2010 |
| Predecessor | Some guy |
| Birthdate | January 16, 1973 |
| Place of birth | Thorograd, Graham Land |
| Previous occupations | Star of TV's "Amigos" and a few very bad movies; ran a failed cosmetics company; posed for Playboy |
| Political affiliation | "Politics ... ?" |
| Languages | English |
| Education | High school diploma |
Antigone Morgan is the vice president of the Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny. A former TV star with no previous political experience, her main duties include ribbon-cuttings, attending state funerals, obsessing over her hair and appearance, overloading the administrative budget with ridiculous expenditures on original designer gowns and a superfluous entourage, making overly extravagant entrances to official functions, sitting around and waiting for the president to die or take sick, and only occasionally attending cabinet meetings or carrying out her official duties as chairwoman of the Federal Senate. Her qualifications and capacity for her job are questionable, she is totally out of the loop, and it is rumored the president only endorsed her in the last election because he thought she would put out. No such luck.
Contents
'Amigos'
Morgan, a struggling actor and model who could find nary a job outside the occasional commercial or Aerosmith video, finally got her break in 1996, when she was cast as Ruby in "Amigos," the Kennyite version of "Friends" that premiered in August of that year to a stunning nationwide audience of 196 million households. Suddenly, Morgan was the "It" girl, and was relishing every moment of it, even growing a bit conceited about it, until she announced in 1999 she was leaving the show to pursue a movie career.
However, her first picture, 2000's "Spank Me Scotty!", was a complete flop, and Morgan saw her star fade. After the embarrassment of introducing herself to the Silver Screen in an awful Wayans Brothers comedy which even the friendlier critics described as "painful as a kick to the crotch," and her most memorable scene "involved obscene acts with three emperor penguins and a deranged Easter Bunny, all of which exhibited better acting skills than she," few studios were interested in signing her, though she did return to the set of "Amigos" as a frequent guest star. She also started her own cosmetics company, Candy Lips, which ran straight into the ground after three years. Then "Amigos" was cancelled.
Lacking any other source of income, Morgan finally agreed to a do a shoot for Playboy in 2005.
2005 Election
Around the same time, a joke "Antigone for President" campaign started gathering steam on a few Weblogs, resulting in an 85,000-vote pull in the key Colorado primary for the Freedom-loving, God-fearing Conservative Patriot Party nod. Groups of cynical and disillusioned voters started urging her to run, including Conservative candidate Gov. Justin Grey of Téjas, the son of former President Frank Grey and an aging frat boy who wanted to take the heat off himself for being so ludicrously underqualified. She rebuffed all suggestions that she would enter politics, even after Tim Russert badgered her about it for at least 45 minutes on her first "Meet the Press" appearance.
Russert flogged the dead presidential-prospects horse as only Russert can, asking Morgan if she would stand for president "if Manuelo Fernanda refuses to run," "if all candidates join a death cult and commit mass suicide," "if Paradise City is enveloped by a nuclear bomb launched by psychotic Pallatian separatists seeking revenge for Repeal 'Protection of Dolphins Act,'" "if President John Thorne is assassinated by mutant cyborgs," and "if the 'Independence Day' aliens come to Earth and threaten to envelop the entire nation with toxic turnips unless you, Antigone Morgan, run for president, will you, Antigone Morgan, be a candidate for president?!" Morgan later sued Russert for sexual harassment.
Candidate for Vice President
Either because "Draft Antigone" groups had filed papers on her behalf, or because Morgan had filed papers herself and simply forgot about it, Morgan found herself on the ballot in the 2005 vice-presidential race as an independent, and she was unsure whether to actively campaign for the job. Her agent begged her to run, telling her it was "a steady source of income, for God's sake, and even if you lose, it is sure to bring in more work for you." Her stylist assured her she would look absolutely fabulous for every campaign stop, and that she would "be the envy of all the candidate's wives." That was the clincher.
Morgan got a slight lift in her flagging campaign when Fernanda offered to break with his party and endorse her over the Conservative candidate, Justin Grey, who had dropped out of the presidential contest. Fernanda had an ongoing beef with Grey ever since the latter, as owner of the South Park Cows football team, refused to sponsor Fernanda because "he boxes like my one-armed, epileptic grandmother after she's had one too many," so it was no surprise that Fernanda would snub him. To seal the deal, Fernanda arranged for a private meeting, where Morgan is reported to have told him, "All right, fine! I'll endorse you! Just get your filthy hands off me!"
Both Morgan and Grey refuted charges that they lacked the experience necessary to sit a heartbeat away from the presidency during their vice-presidential debate. Moderator Charlie Gibson asked Grey, "Why the hell should any voter with half a gnat's brain vote for either of you, when it's obvious that even a mentally challenged jack-rabbit is more qualified for this office?" Replied Grey: "I think I'm qualified enough to sit around and wait for the president to die!" Added Morgan: "What he said."
Despite such demonstrable wit, Morgan entered the final week of the campaign 10 points behind her opponent. Luckily, that was the same week her Playboy shoot was scheduled to run, and when it did, she won the election handily, exit polls showing a surprising number of men (and lesbians) having changed their minds at the last minute.
2005 Vice-Presidential Election Results
| Candidate | Electors | Popular Vote |
|---|---|---|
| Morgan (I) | 412 | 285,524,571 |
| Grey (C) | 313 | 224,584,500 |
| Crying Wind (L) | 0 | 20,547,777 |
Term as Vice President
Swept into office on by will of the people, Morgan's election sent the Paradise City political establishment a powerful message, even if that message was mostly "Show us yer boobs!" And show her boobs she did. Morgan quickly found that half her time as VP was spent dodging the paparazzi, and the other half challenging the authenticity of topless photos of her in the tabloids. "I mean, seriously, look at those hips! Do I have hips that wide?" she demanded to a 2005 news conference. However, the vice president did on occasion score some important victories for the Fernanda Administration, which surprised and pleased her corporate sponsors and political base; and stumble into controversy, which pleased the press.
One of Morgan's achievements in office came in July 2006, when her former houseboy and personal friend Sammy Faisano was chosen to replace Jack Riley as ambassador to the United Nations. Victory turned sour, however, when she was accused of fucking Faisano. [1] The vice president also saw some success in her summit with Gruenberger Amb. Moltan Bausch over the sultanate's role in Allied Antarctic Asskickers. [2] Then she was accused of fucking Bausch. In early 2006, Morgan helped convince members of Congress to abandon their investigation into possible impeachable offenses by President Fernanda. Then she was accused of fucking Fernanda. And half the Senate. She just can't win.
Indeed, Morgan has landed herself in hot water again and again as her term has progressed, including the time during the June 2006 Regional Delegate Smackdown, when she accidentally uncrossed her legs while wearing a very short skirt on national television, making KOP-a-FEEL smell blood and congressmen demand her impeachment. [3] The episode haunted her for weeks, until Jack Riley did something stupid and everyone forgot all about it. Her cardinal sin of dancing with Amb. Faisano at the UN Strangers' Bar in August could have caused much grief with the Gruenbergers, but by the time the goat-munchers had occasion to respond everyone had tired of the whole thing. [4]
Additional Material
- A Royal Death
- 2nd Semiannual Regional Delegate Smackdown
- Allied Antarctic Asskickers Treaty draft
- AAA Treaty Signing Ceremony
 Officials of the Fernanda Administration
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| Manuelo Fernanda | Antigone Morgan | Alex Tehrani | Jack Riley | Jimmy Baca | Charlie Valentine | Karen Greene | Susa Batko-Yovino | Jenny Chiang |
