Creative Solutions Agency

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Creative Solutions Agency (also called the Creative UN Solutions Agency) is the office charged with bringing the Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny into compliance with United Nations mandates. Although the central purpose of the office, under the auspices of the Justice Department, is to identify loopholes in UN legislation and advise the government how best to manipulate them, its suggestions are often silly, boneheaded and just plain stupid. Turnover in the policy drafting office has been very high as a result.

frame:PoKA UN Card

How a UN Resolution becomes law in OMGTKK

Once a resolution passes on the General Assembly floor, a few things will happen: Compliance Ministry gnomes will try to infiltrate the nation's borders, but they are usually held back by the nation's strictly enforced shoot-on-sight policy. Gnomes usually resort to changing the nation's stats via remote-control device, but for laws or regulations to issue to bring the Federal Republic into compliance, Creative Solutions must first examine the resolution, in the time-honored UN tradition of "exploiting loopholes for fun and profit."

Creative Loophole Exploitation

Over the years, the Creative Solutions office has issued a good many advisories on UN loopholes, most of them extremely controversial. The following are some examples of Creative Solutions findings.

UNR #61: Abortion Rights

The Creative Solutions Agency has found that the text of UN Resolution #61 only protects the "woman's right" either "to choose whether to have an abortion," or "to have an abortion." It only enjoins member governments not to interfere with the "woman's right." It says nothing about holding abortion doctors responsible for performing abortion procedures. Therefore, federal prosecutors may still prosecute doctors for performing abortions, Federal Republic law may still allow family members to sue doctors for wrongful death, the Federal Republic may still impose taxes and additional regulations on abortion clinics to the point that abortion doctors simply decide they can't afford to stay in business -- all the while not interfering with the "woman's right." [1]

The text also specifically enjoins "member governments" not to interfere with the "woman's right," and as state governments are not members of the United Nations, the Federal Republic allows states to infringe upon abortion rights.

The vagueness of Abortion Rights is so apparent (the official Creative Solutions advisory says of the loopholes: "You can drive a Big Rig through them bad boys!"), the Federal Republic actually opposes a repeal of the resolution, fearing it would allow the United Nations to propose stricter abortion rights legislation. [2]

UNR #81: Definition of Marriage

Creative Solutions has ruled that a "definition" does not obligate any member state to change its marriage laws. Therefore, the Federal Republic, while allowing gay marriage, continues to outlaw incestual unions, which are tacitly authorized in Definition of Marriage.

At the United Nations, however, the Federal Republic may argue that Resolution #81 either does or does not obligate nations to recognize same-sex unions, depending on which position is most convenient to its point of view.

UNR #106: Protection of Dolphins Act

Omigodtheykilledkenny famously defied Protection of Dolphins Act while it was still in effect, although the government did not officially sanction such activities and in fact created the Dolphin Protection Enforcement Squad (DoPES) to prevent dolphin abuse over the high seas. DoPES proved a remarkably inept agency, and managed not to save a single dolphin from the time it was created to the time the Defense Department "accidentally" nuked its fleet after PoDA's repeal. (See also Repeal "Protection of Dolphins Act".)

UNR #107: Ban Chemical Weapons

Creative Solutions' official advisory on Resolution #107 focused on its incredible vagueness: "The Federal Republic could conceivably classify all chemical arms as 'gummy bears' and there's not a thing the United Nations could do about it," it said. Unfortunately, the Defense Department would tragically take that statement literally, leading to several lawsuits from parents who really thought they were buying their children candy. (One important thing to remember about Kennyites: they're not too bright.)

UNR #122: Promotion of Solar Panels

For the first time in its history, the Creative Solutions Agency recommended outright defiance of a UN proposal following the passage of the ill-conceived, and quickly repealed, Promotion of Solar Panels. "We reside in the Antarctic; we don't even get the sun six months out of the year; there is no way the Federal Republic can stop burning fossil fuels," read the official advisory. However, the Federal Republic decided to punish fellow member states over past infringements on national sovereignty and cast its votes in favor of the resolution. [3]

UNR #126: Fossil Fuel Reduction Act

Once the FFRA came to vote, a Creative Solutions advisory official actually asserted that since member nations would be required to reduce emissions based on a rate calculated according to nations' usage over the past three years, the Federal Republic could simply up fossil-fuel emission rates by 1,000 percent that year and avoid having to reduce fossil-fuel levels by any dramatic rate. UN ambassadors were strongly critical of the idea when Jack Riley proposed it. [4]

The Creative Solutions official responsible for the boondoggle was forced to sit through a marathon of "Murphy Brown" as punishment, prompting the gnomes to cite the Creative Solutions Agency for violating Resolution #41.

UNR #135: Right to Divorce

Omigodtheykilledkenny outlawed marriage [5], spurring riots in Paradise City [6], when Right to Divorce was passed. Though the Federal Republic neither opposes nor outlaws divorce, it was strongly opposed to UN attempts to micromanage the institution, and since marriage is not an established right according to UN law, the solution was all too easy. Marriage was reinstituted once Right to Divorce was repealed, but sponsor nations threaten to raise the issue again.

Forced Banishment Ban

Even though the proposal failed on the UN floor, Omigodtheykilledkenny had found an easy way to get around Forced Banishment Ban's prohibition on deporting citizens as a punishment. The Federal Republic for months had been designating troublemakers as "envoys" to foreign governments and dispatching them on "diplomatic missions" abroad in its Kenny's One-Stop Diplomacy Shop! embassy-exchange program. Riley even relayed the Federal Republic's offer to send an "envoy" to FBB's sponsor, Waterana; and the designee, one Thor Eliot [7], would find "love" in a local Wateranan zoo. [8]

Repeals

When a resolution is just so bad that even Creative Solutions can't forge a way around it, the Federal Republic will often undertake repealing the measure, being labeled in the course of its repeal frenzy prejudiced, bigots, homophobes, racists, dolphin-haters, anti-environment, heartless capitalists, he equivalent of Hitler and Stalin, and, inexpicably enough, a "piece of macaroni." But Riley has learned that playing the pity card doesn't work with the General Assembly: Omigodtheykilledkenny is currently 0 for 2 in the repeal-success department, well behind Gruenberg (3-0).

Doomsday File

A sealed Doomsday File has been sitting in a State Department storage facility since the Federal Republic joined the United Nations, and federal law prohibits any person to break the seal, unless directed to do so by the President of the Federal Republic. Although its contents are top secret and unbeknownst to any living Kennyite, according to legend it contains emergency instructions for the government to follow should the UN ever pass a law so insane, so monumentally stupid it would mean the ruin of the republic. A cousin of Omigodtheykilledkenny's first president once disclosed in a private letter that all it said was "Just resign from the United Nations, stupid!", but the letter's credibility has been debated for years.

Additional Material

Omigodtheykilledkenny and the United Nations
Administration and Policies: Department of State | Mission to the United Nations | Voting Record | Creative Solutions Agency | Kennypoll
Mission Staff: Susa Batko-Yovino | Jenny Chiang | Sammy Faisano | Alex Tehrani | Jessie McArthur | George Brown | Jack Riley | Surly the Repealinator
Sponsored Legislation: Repeal "Protection of Dolphins Act" | Repeal "Fossil Fuel Reduction Act" | Repeal "Gay Rights" | Abortion Legality Convention | Unconventional Arms Accord | Prohibition of UN Military | Repeal "Mutual Recognition of Borders" | Accessible Family Planning | Repeal "SPCC Regulation Act" | Repeal "Max Barry Day"