Errinundrian Financial Review
Contents
Masthead
The Errinundrian Financial Review is a struggling broadsheet that only survives due to financial support from various businesses with an interest in furthering their political agenda.
The tone of the paper is petulant, the editors and backers not understanding the mood or politics of the population at large.
Unbeknownst to the editors, those who buy the paper do so for laughs. It is a funny newspaper. Media commentators have wondered whether the paper itself may become a victim of corporate torching.
Catchment
Archives
CUP SUCCESS A SETBACK FOR BUSINESS
Celebrations for Errinundera’s qualification for World Cup V turned nasty last night when revellers went on a rampage and destroyed the corporate office of the nations largest woodchipper, NGDV Ltd. About 10,000 people left a public screening of the 2-1 victory over Amerigo, commandeered earthmoving equipment from the company’s yards and knocked the building flat. They then set fire to the rubble. Only an ash bed is left where one of Errinundera’s most important commercial buildings once proudly stood.
“Errinundrians are mad,” said company CEO, vourd. “This is vandalism. What right do people have to simply knock down something so valuable? And if that isn’t enough, they go and torch the remains. What we need here is a sense of proportion. Errinundera has millions of square kilometres of useless forest. Why don’t these people do us all a favour and knock some of that down? At least we could sell the woodchips to some of the NationStates that believe in profit.”
This was exactly the point of the action said one of the bystanders cheering on the rioters. “NGDV do exactly what they are accusing the people of,” said swellen. “They want to knock down huge swathes of the forest and then torch the rest so absolutely nothing remains. This forest is our home, our refuge and our life. Errinundera is forest. Forest is Errinundera.”
Prominent sociologist, averagea, says that this a perfect example of just how contrary Errinundrians are. “People in normal countries want status, wealth, possessions, respect, and so on and so on. There seems to be a universal desire in Errinundera to live in the most tranquil and beautiful surroundings possible. Clearly the NGDV headquarters were resented as a blot on the landscape. This desire for beauty seems quite incompatible with normal business principles. Mind you, over 1 billion people living in a forest is beginning to present significant challenges.”
Errinundera’s odd set of priorities is a frequent cause for dissatisfaction among business leaders. Top advertising executive, smarket, bemoaned Errinundrians. “Can you believe this nation? Schoolteachers get paid more than CEOs. There isn’t a single profitable advertising company in Errinundera. The television ownership rate is less than 2%. I approached the Protector of the Common Wealth, filthyl, with a proposal to organize sponsorship for the national football team that he is taking to the World Cup. Do you know what his response was? He said that if could afford to pay for sponsorship then we couldn’t be paying enough taxes. So they increased the company tax rate.”
Young entrepreneur, ploser, has a growing business manufacturing football paraphernalia such as jumpers and footballs. He has no sympathy for the business old guard. “They’re not in tune with the market here,” he says. “They simply haven’t understood that Errinundrians love their forests and their freedom to be contrary. We won’t stand for bullshit and exploitation and, until now, that’s what business has always been.”
CUP RIOTS CAUSE CAKE SHORTAGE
The Bonang manufacturing plant of thriving cake company Lammington Ltd was destroyed by rioting football fans incensed by the World Cup 6 quarterfinal commentary of Lemmitania Radio Network. Chanting, “Potoroos are cute, give Lammington the boot,” they broke into the local garage of woodchipping multi-national NGDV Ltd, stole the heavy equipment and flattened the cake factory.
“Errinundrians are mad,” said Lammington CEO, stickyf, “We have nothing whatsoever to do with the Lemmitanian city of Lemmington. We had, until these idiots went berserk, 95% of the Snowy River mud cake market. Now what are the fans going to consume along with the champagne in the semi-final match? Talk about cutting your nose to spite your face.”
Ellery Camp mayor, washingd, weighed into the controversy by declaring that it was the sort of thing you would expect from the blockheads up in denuded Bonang. “They can’t even tell the difference between Lemmington and Lammington. And besides, only blockheads would invent, make and eat cakes that had gooey chocolate spread on all six sides and made a mess of your fingers.”
“You airheads have missed the point entirely,” says riot bystander, swellen. “This rapacious company has systematically driven small cake manufacturers to the wall. And worse, they are discouraging families from making their own. As the saying goes, the price of democracy is eternal vigilance and, as everyone knows, the greatest threat to democracy in the world today is the single-minded anti-people greed of big business. They must be stopped.”
Investigations by TFR have revealed that swellen is not a native from Bonang but is renowned for her political agitation in First Creek Falls. Our reporter in Bonang confirms that the great majority of rioters were simply upset by the commentary of deanosportem and clemolem.
Prominent sociologist, averagea, pointed out that the obsessive desire of Errinundrians to be contrary sometimes led them to do inexplicable things. “This is an instance of the genuine love of the potoroo somehow getting mixed up with a desire to do something outrageous. Although it is unfortunate for business, and I condemn what has happened, it does give the hoi-polloi a sense of national identity.”
Top advertising executive, smarket, regrets that he was born an Errinundrian. “I’ve tried to seek asylum in other nations but I’m always knocked back on the grounds that 1) I’m a economic refugee, not a political refugee, and 2) my life is not in danger. Don’t the people of this nation and all other nations, for that matter, understand that it is an individual’s right to rip off as many suckers as they can. You know what’s happened in this nation? The suckers have taken control and they’re suppressing the elite.”
SHOULD BE CONSUMERS DO IT AGAIN
It’s becoming a tedious tradition. Irate football supporters, angry with the creative business practices of the Ploser-Maw consortium, have, over the last three days, destroyed all 16 Ploser factories in Errinundera. Egged on by the irresponsible union organiser, sharonb, failed revolutionary, levlaf, and all-round troublemaker, swellen, the usual rioters commandeered heavy equipment and bulldozed the sites.
The Managing Director of the Errinundrian Chamber of Commerce and Industry, mememe, expressed his dismay at this wanton destruction. “Why can’t Errinundrians be like normal people and buy televisions, stay at home (except, of course, when they are slaving away for us or going shopping) and buy the things we tell them to. And the government! What are they doing? Egging on the anarchists and persecuting business, that’s what. Don’t they understand that the role of government is to smooth the way for giant corporations to run the country? We desperately need to follow the example of the United States of America: government from big business, by big business, for big business.”
Failed revolutionary, leflaf, sneered at mememe. “That’s just the typical ranting of the professionally envious. First question: what percentage of the vote did the business parties manage last election.? Answer: between them the Conservative Party, the Republican Party, the Liberal Party, the Democrats, and the Labour Party managed just 5% percent of the vote.* No-one takes them seriously. Second question: who pays for the salaries of all the staff at ECCI? Answer: I don’t know but Errinundrian businesses certainly can’t afford it.”
