First Creek Falls Age
First Creek Falls Age
ERRINUNDERA TO FORFEIT MATCH AGAINST EUROPA BRITTANIA
LEATHER SUBSTITUTED FOR LEATHER SUBSTITUTE
With just hours to go before the sixth round of World Cup 7 qualifying, the NationStates World Cup community is about to be rocked by one of its biggest scandals yet. The University of Milosis in McKillops Bridge has explained why Ploser microfibre is indistinguishable from leather.
It is leather.
The university has carried out extensive tests on footballs and boots provided to them by labour union officials who collected them from retail stores all over the nation. This secret collection has been going on since the dispute over wages began in Fanny Moo five weeks ago. Professor elassdomg from the University’s department of Chemical Engineering explained to us that the tests are simple, quick and precise. “Preliminary results show conclusively that only microfibre that has been manufactured within Errinundera can be trusted to be the real thing, that is, a leather substitute. Any material that has been manufactured offshore has so far tested to be a fake, that is, a leather substitute substitute. I’m getting confused here. Let me start again. If the source material was made in Errinundera it’s microfibre, if imported it’s leather.”
Spontaneous boycott planner and activist, swellen, explained the implications. “First of all I want to make two points clear. Errinundera makes very little microfibre for Ploser. Most is imported. On the other hand we make almost all of their finished products such as footballs and football boots. As you know, in the last couple of weeks all their products have been recalled and shipped overseas. So if you want genuine microfibre gear in Errinundera, well I’m sorry, there’s none to be had. It’s as if Ploser Microfibres has played an elaborate joke on our nation.”
To find out how this scam came to be uncovered we need to visit its epicentre: Fanny Moo. The first person to have suspicions was sniffer wombat trainer, whoaboy. “My wombats are trained to sniff out banned substances such as meat, leather, cigarettes, guns, cars, police and military personnel. For some time now the wombats have been getting very agitated whenever I went near the factory. I didn’t think much of it until I mentioned it in passing to my mate, sharonb, the union organiser. Suddenly it struck me that my girls and boys could be on to something. sharonb agreed and promised to have it investigated.”
Errinundera’s Protector of Sport, filthyl, was informed and instantly recognized the implications for the national side. He immediately sent samples of the team’s gear to the University of Milosis for testing. “It’s all leather. Every last scrap of the stuff we use. Breaking the news to the team was one of the most horrible things I’ve ever had to do. Several members of the team, including the team coach fionar, became so ill they vomited.”
A very green about the gills moschatuma told The Age that the team will not play any more matches until they can be assured that their footwear and balls are not manufactured from dead animal products. “Words cannot express my horror at what has happened. To think that I’ve been kicking the shit out of ex-cows is horrible beyond words.” Team coach, fionar, has expressed her solidarity with the team’s decision to forfeit the match against Europa Brittania. Expressions of support have come from the Protector of Sport, filthyl, and from the Main Protector, willd, who issued the following statement: “We are currently endeavourng to locate any Ploser products still around the nation so it can be given a decent and respectful burial. Anybody who thinks the may have a dead animal product can have it tested. Magistrates will be investigating what sort of compensation will be appropriate. It is our intention that Ploser Microfibres be required to pay this compensation.”
It is clear that, despite the nation’s pride in the achievements of their national team, it too supports the players’ decision. As we go to press reports are coming in of angry crowds gathering at Ploser plants around the country.
It also remains to be seen how the NSWCC reacts to these developments. At this stage it is too early to tell what the implications are for the longfoots’ prospects of qualifying.
As yet we have not been able to get an official comment from the Europa Brittania team which is currently lodging at the former palace in McKillops Bridge ahead of the game which had been scheduled for this afternoon.
UNLIKELY STAR ENCHANTS NATION
LEADS TEAM TO WORLD CUP 5
(Huge close-up of gabriellen’s face looking very serious)
Seemingly shy and quiet, gabriellen would never win a beauty contest. Everthing about her is lopsided: from her nose to her knees. She’s as slender as a reed and seems to have missed out on some hormones at a vital stage. She’s not even very skillful at football. Yet everyone who knows her speaks of her in glowing terms. Yet, and despite constant injury worries, she has been the star of the side in the world cup qualifying series, completely outshining the far more psychedelically gorgeous strikers antarcticad and oreadest.
Errinundera’s champion goalkeeper, fionar puts it this way, “Her nose points in the wrong direction; her teeth are lopsided; she has the biggest, boniest hips you ever saw; and she’s knock-kneed. She’s serious, sober and scientific. Yet she’s the coolest babe you ever met. filthyl is her slave – he’d do anything for her.”
The Protector of the Common Wealth is not the only powerful person to have fallen under her spell. Our national leader was once her partner. “She embodies all the most admirable qualities a person can have without the slightest hint of pretence or connivance,” willd told us. “But most appealling is an apparent frailty that you first notice in her sadly beautiful eyes. But don’t be fooled. There’s a very capable and determined person there.”
Most surprising of all is the way gabriellen has comprehensively charmed the entire nation of Errinundera. Noted sociologist, averagea, wondered why antarcticad and oreadest had failed to create the same impression. “These two blokes are spectacular, flambouyant, beautiful and extremely skillful. They have the most spectacular hairdos, bright green and vivid red, you will ever see on a football pitch. Overseas they capture people’s imaginations. But here it’s ho hum.”
We wondered if it was due to the whiff of sexual odour that accompanied her injuries so we spoke with the eminent gynaecologist, khenry. He thought this was essential to her allure. “Errinundrians do like a bit of irony and misfortune in their sexual myths. But there is more. At first blush this person doesn’t seem terribly interesting or particularly outstanding. But the injuries she has endured indicate an athlete of Olympean capabilities. No wonder filthyl so often looks like the cat that got the cream.” When we sought an interview with the team’s physiotherapist, eallcott he would only comment that the most recent injury was a simple strained hamstring.
The cause of the strained hamstring was gabriellen doing cartwheels after the final whistle in the match that secured Errinundera’s place in the world cup. These cartwheels suggested inner qualities that appeal strongly to the average person. We ventured out into the skywalks of First Creek Falls, her home town, to ask random people about town why they adored her so much.
jlong (palentologist): I don’t know for sure. I guess it’s because there’s so many wankers in football it’s good to see an intelligent person become a national hero by using her nous.
donnal (leadlight artist): She’s a self-deprecating, genuine person who copes with setbacks with a wry smile and still succeeds.
martinab (tree doctor): I’d do anything for her. I’d sleep at the foot of her tree to keep the wombats at bay. I’d single handedly take on the NGDV bulldozers for her. I’d bear her love-child.
lionelm (high court judge): There’s no bullshit at all with her. She examines the facts before her, quickly weighs up the options and unerringly makes the right decisions.
squinte (optometrist): She’s supremely beautiful. I’ve just had a child and my partner and I are going to name her ybriellen in her honour.
paratchik (fiction writer): People of all times and all nations will give her name to everything that is fine and strong, to all that is wise and beautiful. The first word I will teach my children shall be “gabi”.
We asked football commentator, spouth, to rate her as a player. He concurred with the general view that she lacked the finally honed skills of the international superstars. “But she has a football brain second to none. On top of that she goes about her business in an undemonstrative way. You get to the end of a season and discover, much to your surprise, that she’s the leading goalkicker and then you wonder how she did it. And she just keeps doing it, year in, year out.
The team’s boot-studder phudson summed it up simply. “She’s a great mate.”
WORLD CUP FANS WARM TO ANTARCTICAD
PARTNER IS SHUNNED
(Huge close-up of a smiling antarcticad; small side picture of dejected oreadest with hands on hips and kicking ground)
He may not have kicked many goals on the field this tournament but antarcticad sure has kicked a few winners with the fans in Tanah Burung. And it’s not just the amazing green haircut. Throughout the series he and crowds have got on like a house on fire. So it comes as no great surprise that he has been popularly elected as people’s player of the tournament. Oddly, his red counterpart, oreadest, hardly rated a mention.
Errinundera’s champion goalkeeper and recently appointed World Cup 6 captain / coach, fionar, has no problems with their extroverted behaviour. “There isn’t any hint of artificiality about these guys. What you see is what they are really like. To them life is fun. They play best when they are happy.”
Outgoing captain / coach, filthyl is just as positive in his comments. “Sure, they didn’t kick a lot of goals in Tanah Burung but they followed my instructions to the letter. So, for all their individuality they are great team players.”
antarcticad was typically exuberant in his reaction to the award. “This is sensational, man,” he said. “Tanah Burung has been like a second home to me. Somehow the local fans and Errinundrians are on the same branch. Particularly the fans in the villages. They now how to live and have a good time. Football is fun, you know. The villagers understand this.”
His erstwhile colour co-ordinated twin, oreadest, wasn’t so sanguine. “Look, I mighta understood being pipped at the post but I got hardly any votes at all. I’d have thought my red hair was much more noticeable than his green hair. Well, that was the theory. I can only imagine it happened because it’s always antarcticad and oreadest, not oreadest and antarcticad. Well, next world cup I’m doing my own thing and he won’t know which tree he’s in.”
Our man in Tanah Burung, pvox, travelled to Findabaya, the scene of on-field and off-field triumphs for the team, to find out why they found our man so magical.
Warung Agus (village head lady): You should see him dance. The way he wiggles his bum is out of the trees.
Mogong Pilo (tree farmer): I really liked how they joined us in the trees after the match. We sat and told stories until dark.
Reelise Reeus (student): We called them monkeys to take the piss out of them but they really got into the spirit of it. I loved antarcticad’s and the other guy’s monkey routine each time a goal was scored.
Ovatha Dop (village sports administrator): At their own expense, antarcticad and the red bloke have arranged a young footballer exchange program between Findabaya and their village, Ellery Camp. A young woman, Canabe Livit, will be going there next year. They are terrific blokes.
Min Kibaz (shadow puppeteer): Weren’t the acrobatics they did after the match amazing. They could make a serious living in Tanah Burung just from that.
Canabe Livit (budding footballer and first recipient of the Findabaya – Ellery Camp exchange program): His haircut is just wild. When I first saw pictures of antarcticad and oreadest I couldn’t make up my mind to have green or red hair. antarcticad’s picture was first in the paper so I went for his colour.
We asked football commentator, spouth, to rate him as a player. Like some Errinundrians he thought he was a little overrated but reminded us that he was still only nineteen years old. “I think he will be under the microscope much more next time round. Much bigger things will be expected of both of them. I hope they deliver. If they do it will be delirious. antarcticad is already only second to moschatum in pure skill level. And his fitness levels are magnificent. I await WC6 with anticipation.”
As the team’s boot-studder, phudson, was not available we give the last word this time to princec, the team’s gopher, “my wife, dip, and I went out for dinner with him. We laughed all night. We were spellbound.”