How to tell if you're Vassfforcian

If you're Vassfforcian...

• You know you live in the best country in the Heartland, but you still go on vacations to Mountainsea and Torquay.
• You know how to play fútbol and know the rules back and forward, comment on the national league and either love or hate Vaqueros de Plenfia and Caballos Salvajes. You have played basketball if you come from the northeast or grindiron if come from anywhere else as a part of your physical education program in school. Volleyball is not a sport, it’s a good excuse to watch membes of the opposite sex on the beach and flirt.
• You pity the poor soul who gets less than four vacation weeks at least. You at least get Christmas, Semana Santa (Easter and the previous week), and one more week on summer.
• You wonder why foreigners consider corridas a barbaric practice; but you don’t often attend.
• You are familiar with what is called world pop-culture. You recognise foreign and local celebrities when they appear on your screen, especially those who have passed the test of time.

If you died tonight...

• You probably believe in God, though you haven’t attended to church for a while (unless you’re a farmer). It's most likely that you think of yourself as a Catholic, but it is also possible that you may be a Protestant, Cathar or even Muslim.
• You think that fast-food outlets are a cheap and possibly health-threatening alternative to proper food.
• You own a television, a telephone, a mobile, a washing machine and unless you live in the northeast a car. Your home is heated in the winter (unless you live in the south where it’s unnecessary) and has its own bathroom.
• Unless you live in Hilvenídica or Plenfia, you don't kill your own food.
• It’s unlikely that you’d have a dirt floor, but it also may happen, after all you work.
• You eat at a table, sitting on chairs.
• You don't consider insects, dogs, cats, monkeys, or guinea pigs to be food. Beef, pork, rabbits, fish, crabs and goats are.
• Power and water are government run. Telephone and electricity are privately owned although monitored by the government.
• Getting a new phone installed is routine. You expect that they will work as a matter of course.
• The train system is OK, if you live in the northeast then it’s very good and actually you don’t need a car.
• You like your multi-party system and it’s the right way to conconduct a democracy. It’s natural for you to think of independent candidates and local parties.
• Most people are white, but you're aware that people of other skin colors exist because you've seen them on television and sometimes on the street and from your point of view if someone integrates well into local culture it doesn't matter what color their skin is.
• The court system is fair, although rather harsh. You know that the court can work in your favor however, you wouldn't dare think of taking someone to court for frivolous reasons.
• You cannot understand people who speak less than four languages. You couldn't imagine not speaking Spanish and Hyarmendorean, another national language and English. Someday foreigners will learn…
• School is free and cursory through the 12th level. If you are able to pass exams, you may enter University which is also provided for free (however, everyone knows how difficult the exams are). There are some private schools, but they are run by religious orders and churches and if they aren’t then there must not be very good (unless they are for noble and very rich children).
• If you live in the city, it's not usually considered odd not to attend University. However, for those who do not, there is always the option to learn a trade.

Everyone knows that...

• Milk comes in bottles and is delivered to your door and maybe the milkman can bring you some cream and butter.
• Mustard comes in jars and is nearly always grain mustard.
• The decimal point is a dot.
• A billion is a million millions.
• Dates are normally day/month/year.
• Marriages happen out of love. You are always married by a priest, even if you don't really take religion seriously. To be married by a judge is a disgrace, and no way would your parents accept that.
• If a man sleeps with another man, he's a homosexual. If you live in the city you’re probably OK with it, if you’re from the rural areas then you probably think it’s bad and that God will punish them.
• You'd only use the informal pronoun tu with friends or family, reserving usted or vous" for everyone else.
• If you're a married man, you don't get involved in the household finances. You give your wife your salary and let her deal with it- she'll give you an allowance back if you're lucky.
• If you're a woman, you've gone to the beach topless but nobody goes to the beach completely naked, however, except very small children.
• A hotel room has a private bath, but in hostales which offer rooms to let the best you can hope for is a private shower or a shared bathroom.
• You'd prefer a foreign film to be subtitled rather than dubbed. Dubbing is for children and illiterate barbarians.
• You seriously expect to be able to transact business, or deal with the government, without paying bribes.
• If a politician has been cheating on his wife, you won’t care much, unless you live in some extremely pious place like Umperia. He won’t lose credibility, but maybe some voters would not reelect him.
• A company can't just fire who it wants. There are laws against that sort of thing, you know!
• Labour Day is on the first of May.

Contributions to World Civilization

• You count on excellent and free medical treatment. You know you won't die of cholera or other third world diseases. You think dying at 65 would be a tragedy.
• You went over Vassfforcian and some Heartlandian history at school; you probably know nothing about Mountainsean or Miraclian history. However, you know at least that Vassfforcia fought a war against Herconia.
• You know the army pretty well… you served for a year in the compulsory military service, you know how to shoot, march and survive in the wild.
• You're used to a wide variety of choices for almost anything you buy, particularly food and drink.
• The police are armed with submachine guns, high caliber rifles or assault rifles near banks, government offices and rural areas.
• You probably have a weapon at home, it’s not compulsory, but the military promotes it.
• The biggest meal of the day is in the afternoon and everyone gets between 2 or 3 hours to go home and eat, no one care to work late when they can eat at home.
• The people most often you make jokes about are Umperians.

It is always Something...

• You feel that your kind of people isn't being listened to enough in Serenísima.
• You don't care very much what family someone comes from. Unless they're dating a female relative, that is.
• The normal thing when a couple dies is for their estate to be divided equally between their children.
• You think of opera and ballet as rather elite entertainments, that’s why you attend!
• You can spend a whole evening in a café discussing art and politics
• Christmas is in the winter. Unless you're Pagan, Rationalist or Muslim, you spend it with your family, give presents, and put up a tree. Since Christmas used to be a no-meat day (à la Lent), you eat cod and other kinds of fish and seafood (and because they are great).
• You know all the capitals in the region and probably can name most leaders.
• You have read the classics and know most modern writers and artists, there’s never a month in which you don’t go to an art exhibition or read at least a book… unless you live in Umperia; those rednecks know nothing.
• Cabs are operated by locals, who have deep knowledge of the city's streets.
• Unemployment benefits are yours by right; you've paid for them after all. And of course those who can't support themselves should get welfare.
• You don't think your kind of people is listened to enough in the Senate. You're satisfied with your representation in the local assemblies, though, and you may even attend on a regular basis.
• If you talk about the Church, you’re referring to the Catholic Church, unless you live in Plenfia where they are Protestants or Tirritidivá, where they are Cathars…
• Church and State are divided; unless you’re Umperian or Plenfian…

Space and Time

• You run on what's known as "Vassfforcian time", which means for non-appointments, you add thirty minutes to the start of an event, or dinner invitation, minimum. If your friends say "dinner at 6:00", they really mean "be there around 6:30 - 7:00 pm". However, arriving an hour and thirty minutes late will raise eyebrows.
• If talking with someone, you feel uncomfortable if they approach closer than 2 inches-- unless it's your boy/girlfriend.
• About the only things you need to bargain for are cars, houses and antiques. Haggling is common and often gives very good results.
• Once you're past college, you very rarely simply show up at someone's place. People have to invite each other over-- especially if a meal is involved.
• When you negotiate, you are polite, of course, but it's only good business to 'play hardball'. Some foreigners pay excessive attention to status, or don't say what they mean, and that's exasperating.
• If you have a business appointment or interview with someone, you expect to have that person to yourself, and the business shouldn't take more than an hour or so.