McKillops Bridge New Statesman
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Catchment
- Location: McKillops Bridge
- Nation: Errinundera
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CUNICULAR GENOCIDE SPREADING ACROSS THE WORLD
Alarming reports are reaching Errinundera of a massive upsurge in the extermination of cunicular beings.
“At current rates this destruction will match the ovine, bovine and porcine genocide that we have been witnessing for many years,” says Errinundrian protector of welfare, drabid. “The awful thing is, we can’t allow these poor creatures in as refugees because they would rapidly destroy our environment. Just think of the long-footed potoroos.”
But, what of the cuniculi themselves? Under the supervision of professor lagerismp, seven doctoral students from the McKillops Bridge Polytechnic Department of Animal Linguistics were smuggled in as workers in the notorious Allanean cunicular battery farms. Five are still recovering from post-traumatic stress syndrome; one didn’t recover and will be buried on Saturday; but the seventh, singerp, has recovered sufficiently to speak with us.
“The torture inflicted upon these poor, defenceless creatures is unimaginably horrific,” she says. “They are kept in huge barns without proper sanitation; their legs are clipped so the don’t waste energy by moving; and vast amounts of synthetic hormones and antibiotics are pumped into them to encourage rapid growth. By the time the creatures are ready for consumption there is no longer enough room for them all on the floor. They just start piling up on top of each other. The ones at the bottom suffer terrible injuries.”
“But it gets worse. At production time one wall of the barn becomes a huge shovel and pushes all the creatures into the processor at the other end. First they are doused alive with chemicals to clean all the blood and shit and rotting food from them - I still have nightmares from the screams. Then they are pushed into giant mincers – alive! How could anyone eat these crimeburgers? Thank goodness we live in a civilised, vegetarian nation.”
When contacted the foreign minister, junketo, merely shrugged his shoulders. “We don’t interfere with other nations. The world is hell. Luckily we live in paradise.”
YOUNG STAR PONDERS FUTURE
The Errinundera football team has had a rocky road to the World Cup 6 tournament getting under way shortly in Kingsford. Up and coming McKillops Bridge star snapier, seems to have cemented her role as official team substitute. We spoke with her on the eve of WC6. You’ll discover that an 18 year old can be an amazing sophisticate.
McKBNS: Football is only a sideline in your life, isn’t it?
snapier: I don’t think sideline is the correct word. It is very important to me, one of the major aspects of my career. But it isn’t everything.
McKBNS: Well, you’re prominent as a refugee activist.
snapier: Many other nations don’t treat their people as well as Errinundera does. Take Quohog for example. You visit there and everything seems fine on the surface. The people have every modern convenience and the public services, while they can’t be compared with Errinundera’s, are quite good. But if someone steps out of line – pow! – the whole family may be liquidated. And other nations aren’t so subtle. The people who come downstream into McKillops Bridge are often in a terrified state, often unwell and usually the only possessions they have are the clothes on their back.
McKBNS: So you think Errinundera’s a good place to be.
snapier: Yes and no. We can be extremely righteous and hypocritical. And yes, it’s great that Errinundrians hate people who take themselves too seriously, but sometimes we don’t take things seriously enough.
McKBNS: You’ve started a degree in magistracy at the McKillops Bridge Polytechnic.
snapier: Errinundrian Law fascinates me. I see myself as having a career in advocacy. The two magistrates in Ellery Camp, oshanep and sgordon have been inspirational role models for me. These women have come from a minority group and have revolutionized the way magistrates treat the law.
McKBNS: And you’ve had short stories published, you’re a photographic model, a Buddhist and a nightclub rager. Where do you find the time for everything?
snapier: I don’t know. Who knows where the time goes?
McKBNS: To football. The qualifying situation for WC6 has become a farce, hasn’t it?
snapier: You’re not wrong. In the latter part of the qualifying series we thought we were gone for all money. Then we pulled it together in the last few rounds and scraped into third position in our group. From earlier announcements we thought we had qualified by finishing 6th amongst the 3rd placegetters. Then various members of the WCC started releasing very confusing and contradictory press statements. The idea of a round robin of the 9 third placegetters seems to be in fashion at the moment. We can live with that even though it is disappointing after we had thought we had qualified. If a round robin is held it’s entirely up to us, so we won’t complain. Just lately, though, there have been suggestions that the best six non-qualifiers will go forward regardless of where they finished. That would mean the end for us. That would be disappointing after the expectations that have been raised.
McKBNS: Your performance so far?
snapier: It’d be nice to spend more time on the grass. But I’m happy to do whatever fionar asks. They’re a sensational team. The other women are an inspiration to me. How many other World Cup teams have women in all the leadership positions? None, I’ll warrant. I’m happy with my form. fionar told me from the start that the team’s intention is to blood me this series. She says everyone thinks I’ve got an exciting future ahead of me. I hope I can live up to their expectations.
McKBNS: And McKillops Bridge.
snapier: The NationStates Champions tournament was a hoot. We ended up in the top 8. It was great to do better than Ellery Camp for once. We’re getting fed up finishing second to them in the first division here. The recruitment of sorais and nyleptha is a big plus. Next year we aim to give Ellery Camp a shellacking. Football is exciting at the moment. There are lot of fantastic young players coming through at the club and national level. It’s great to be part of that.
