Moltan Bausch

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Moltan Bausch
Ambassador Moltan Bausch
Nationality Gruenberger
Current position Ambassador to Omigodtheykilledkenny
Appointed July 6, 2006
Predecessor Arakina Spolly
Previous position Ambassador to the United Nations
Dislikes Human rights, women's rights, workers' rights, "lefties"
Likes Repeals

Moltanus ('Moltan') Keinhart Bausch (born August 17, 1956) is a Gruenberger diplomat, currently serving as Ambassador to Omigodtheykilledkenny, and most famous for his time as Gruenberg's second Ambassador to the United Nations. He had previously been one of the most decorated officers in the history of the Gruenberger Army, a successful businessman, and a government official, serving an infamous spell as Governor of the Gelzien Nub.

As Ambassador to the UN, he was Gruenberg's most visible representative on the international stage, and he not only forged Gruenberg's new foreign policies of engagement but also played a greater role than any other individual in shaping wider perception of his nation. A staunch supporter of national sovereignty, he nonetheless promoted the importance of good international law on appropriate topics, notably free trade. His style in the General Assembly was rarely conciliatory to his opponents, and his vitriolic condemnation of his opponents, rampant sexism and appalling personal manners made him a highly controversial figure, but he was immensely popular both at home and among friendly nations. Following a downturn in his legislative success, and amidst widespread allegations of corruption, he was abruptly fired, but managed to rescue his career through his skilful management of the Antarctic Oasis Economic Advancement Agreement, and was appointed as Ambassador to Omigodtheykilledkenny. There is increasing speculation that he may be romantically involved with Vice-President Antigone Morgan.

Early life

Born in Kemf Waaschtechen, a small town in Stammerslab, Bausch is the eldest son of Eisodor and Krakalopowot Bausch. When he was 4 they moved to Flurthwel, where his siblings Rittek, Lerna and Bnep were born. His father was a wealthy textiles merchant, and his family had a history of public service, high social status, and violent mental instability. From an early age it was clear that he would be suited to a career in the Gruenberger diplomatic corps: he was expelled from the exclusive Raasbeh Academy For Little Lords at age eight for stabbing a classmate in the neck with a wooden sword.

He went on to attend the prestigious Wellen School, where he was an outspoken and disruptive student, who found success within the school cadet force and sports teams, as well as with a couple of the dinnerladies. He also gained his first experience of rhetoric when he was forced to explain trading the debate team's minibus for a month's supply of frozen yogurt. His time at the Central University of Flurthwel was undistinguished academically — originally registered to read Political Science, he switched courses in his second year, and ended up taking a Basic Certificate in Bee-Keeping, obtaining a Merit for his intricate comb-work — but saw him captain the football team through an undefeated season, lead the Officer Training Corps, and learn to down a pint in four seconds. He stayed on to complete postgraduate studies - although it remains unclear what, and indeed whether, he actually researched.

Military career

Captain Bausch on active duty
Bausch served in the Gruenberger Army for a total of sixteen years. After leaving university and spending a few months travelling, he accepted a commission as 2nd Lieutenant in the 1st High Home Cavalry, a historic but largely ceremonial unit, where he completed his basic training. Eager to see real action, he requested a transfer to the 43rd High Sultanic Dragoons, stationed in West Gelzia. When open violence broke out, his unit was mobilised. He served three tours of duty, spanning a total of four years; interestingly, a ceasefire had been negotiated after 18 months. When hostilities finally ended — it purportedly took seven men to hold him back — he transferred again to peacekeeping duty with the 14th High Sultanic Infantry in East Gelzia, so he could continue to kill people legally. After a further five years, during which he earned his first Gruen Cross, he returned to his original unit, and was involved in numerous operations around the world, as well as a brief spell heading a guard unit in The Holy City.

In 1990, a uprising in the Gelzien Nub saw his return to frontline action there. He served throughout the Final Campaign, taking on increasingly significant operational responsibilities, and becoming the public face of the counter-insurgency forces. He was popular with the media and the public, but despised by most Gelziens and frequently denounced for human rights abuses and war crimes by international observers. By 1994, he had become the first man to win the Gruen Cross three times, obtained the rank of Colonel, and commanded the historic operation to finally force a surrender from the Gelzien Resistance Front. Admired as a leader and tactician, he was tipped for a future post with the General Staff, but was sadly discharged from the Army on medical grounds after sustaining shrapnel injuries during a panty raid on a nurses' dorm.

United Uranium

On his retirement from military service, Bausch set about amassing a considerable fortune. Initially offered a lucrative executive position with Gsgsgsgsgsgsgsfffffffffft Industries, he told them to fuck off until they came up with a more sensible name and embarked on a year-long 'cultural tour of the world', at the end of which he was treated for minor cirrhosis. In the meantime, Gsgsgsgsgsgsgsfffffffffft had renamed themselves United Uranium, and Bausch accepted a position as Commercial Director. His first act was to suggest the company abandon their novelty keyring projects, and concentrate on actually mining uranium.

He worked for United Uranium for four years, taking them into a position of national dominance through a combination of ruthless business strategy and thumb-screws. By the mid 1990s, they had established an effective monopoly in the Gruenberger mining sector, no doubt aided by massive Court hand-outs, mostly arranged by Bausch himself. He also gained his first real taste of diplomacy when he chaired the negotiations with New Greater Tibet to allow Gruenberger corporations — led by United Uranium — increased access to Tibetanese uranium deposits. One of his most significant achievements was negotiating a merger with Combined Chemical Manufactures, and he is believed to have been the principle author of the contract (the text of which read "We get to keep your assets; you get to keep your kneecaps"). His relationship with United Uranium ended on a sour note, however, when his increasingly audacious expenses claims began to cause concern in the accounting department. When they refused to commission a new whaling mission because he was "a bit peckish", he stormed out. Subsequent accusations of massive embezzlement attracted the interest of the State Department of Foreign Affairs, who approached him with a job offer.

Government service

Bausch served as Deputy Secretary for Administration in the Department of Foreign Affairs for a year, but very little is known of what he accomplished. Whilst he has claimed this apparent lack of industry in fact conceals the classified nature of much of his work, a more likely hypothesis is that he just spent most of the time in the local pub, as evidenced by many photographs and two police cautions. More notable were his fund-raising activities for the Monarchist Party, and by this point he had become a close affiliate of Sultan Gardab Woltzten IX. Upon the assassination of Harlo Pithe, Governor of the Gelzien Nub, a replacement was needed: Bausch stepped up.

Governor of the Gelzien Nub

Bausch's reign in the Gelzien Nub lasted just two years, but was one of the most significant in the province's development, principally in terms of setting it back by a good two hundred years. Almost upon arrival, he began introducing draconian laws to restrict civil and political liberties in the name of stability and security - indeed, he'd only got one leg out of the car before he was shouting, "BUUURRN THEM!" - and set about consolidating all power in his hands. He wiped out local councils, replacing them with committees staffed by known collaborators, abolished most requirements for accountability and transparency, and organized a ruthless and efficient network of informants to report to the secret police, whose powers he vastly inflated. His official appointments favoured personal friends, cronies and women he fancied his chances with, whilst the entire mechanism of government was regeared to focus on feeding his frenzied corruption.

He was popular in mainland Gruenberg, where he was seen as taking a hard line on terror. Certainly, he did break many underground terror cells and bring hundreds of criminals to his particular brand of justice - quick, messy and irreversable - but he also managed to detain or disappear thousands of probably innocent Gelziens. The prison system was notoriously harsh, and the death penalty was actually reintroduced to the province not at his insistence but of a coalition of prisoners who "just wanted to end it all". His own success in curbing resistance was his undoing: once insurrection died down, he was left to administer more mundane civic duties, which he had little time for. After stripping public projects of every scrap of funding to line his own pockets, giving the green light to a range of controversial drug testing programs and pawning off the gubernatorial silver for poker money, he resigned.

The United Nations

In the late 1990s, rumours began to circulate that Gardab IX was seeking to bring Gruenberg into the United Nations. Bausch immediately responded to this with a 7,000 word article in the Gruenberg Times & Citizen (4,000 of which were "fuck") in which he lambasted those who would "bend our proud nation in foreign devils and infidels". He ended with an explicit and anatomically detailed explanation of where the international community "should stick itself". He is reported to have also drawn crude diagrams; these were not printed. In 2001, he was appointed to head the newly founded Gruenberger Office of UN Affairs.

For the period leading up to Gruenberg's first entry into the UN, Bausch was tasked with advising the Court on implementation of UN resolutions. He advocated a policy of borderline non-compliance, and hired noted Gruenberger lawyer Lori Jiffjeff to aid in him formulating a strategy in implementing legislation without forcing too great a shift in Court policy. Their efforts were initially slow and unproductive, in part hindered by Jiffjeff's bringing 18 consecutive cases of sexual harassment against Bausch (prefacing her notes on the 14th with "Oh come on he's not even trying to hide it anymore") but, over time, they brought Gruenberg around to a state of readiness to enter the UN.

As Bausch hired and trained staff, appointed all of the major advisors, and prepared the operation for the move to the UN Headquarters, he must have felt confident that he would assume the role of ambassador. His disappointment when the Sultan instead chose his nephew, Zlott, was apparent: he is reported to have spent three days wandering the streets of Flurthwel headbutting people, trees, lampposts, and a small pigeon. Nonetheless, he did eventually calm down enough to formally accept Zlott. After the debacle of Zlott's resignation following the the Transgender Equality Act, and the failure of that proposal, Gardab IX announced his intention to persever with Gruenberger entry; he also made it clear that he wished the new ambassador to take a vocal role in UN affairs. To prove that he was that 'more vocal' person Gruenberg needed, Bausch screamed obscenities into the Sultan's ear for three days straight, finally collapsing of severe respiratory distress. He awoke in hospital to find he had been given the role. Three days later, he was back in hospital, this time the subject of minor liver surgery. A week later, he had taken up his post at the UN.

Bausch has publicly stated that there are many resolutions he wishes to see repealed

Gruenberg and the United Nations
Main topic
Resolutions: Repeal "UCPL"Repeal "Right to Divorce"Repeal "The Law of the Sea"Abortion Legality ConventionUN Demining SurveyRepeal "Banning the Use of Landmines"UN Recycling CommissionChild Pornography ProhibitionUN Educational Aid ActIndividual Working FreedomsClothing Supply PactFair Sentencing ActRepeal "Hearing Impaired Aid Act"
Staff: Biggles McXiminez
Former staff: Jianna WoltztenZlott WoltztenRittel WenkeinMoltan BauschNuck ChorrisRono PyandranLurs LenntoPendle KorbitzKirby DugganIffne HevanLori Jiffjeff