OMGTKK Department of State
The OMGTKK Department of State is charged with conducting the Federal Republic's foreign affairs, including the nation's relations with other sovereign states, regional and United Nations affairs, and membership in international alliances such as ACCEL. The department's importance within the federal government has increased dramatically during President Manuelo Fernanda's administration, thanks to Secretary of State Alex Tehrani's informal role as the president's closest adviser, and his insistence that the nation take unprecedented steps to engage the international community, particularly through greater involvement in the NSUN, and diplomatic initiatives such as Kenny's One Stop Diplomacy Shop! The State Department supervises the national diplomatic service, which staffs OMGTKK's individual embassies and mission to the United Nations.
This article examines specific areas of Kennyite foreign affairs managed by the State Department.
While the Federal Republic enjoys constructive bilateral relationships with literally tens of nations in the NS world (most rising out of regional or UN interactions), and the State Department insists that all of them are "special," in truth, some are just more special than others. And by "special," we usually mean "severe migraine- and bowel disorder-inducing." Below are descriptions of some of the more productive relationships Omigodtheykilledkenny has shared with friendly nations.
One of the first nations to accept an invitation from OMGTKK to join the Antarctic Oasis region, the Evil Conservative Empire of The Palentine is one of the Federal Republic's closest allies, and one of only two nations in the world (Gruenberg being the other) to be conferred with MFIA, or "Major Fucking Important Ally," status by the State Department. Kennyites and Palentine citizens enjoy a remarkable cultural affinity, as well as a common belief in unfettered, militant capitalism, time-honored capitalist practices such as trading bribes for votes, and a shared admiration for mythical conservative hero Ronald Reagan. As regional defense secretary, the empire was a founding member of the Allied Antarctic Asskickers (AAA) in 2005, and under the 2006 AAA treaty, it is the only other permanent member of the Regional Security Council, along with OMGTKK. The Palentine succeeded OMGTKK as Regional UN Delegate in Dec. 2005, partly because the former had tired of the "demands" of the office and was longing to foist them off on someone else, and partly because it really was the only logical choice. This gave the Federal Republic a chance to sit back, relax and have good laugh at The Palentine's expense as the latter repeatedly grumbled about all the crap proposals littering the UN queue. OMGTKK-Palentine relations are cemented in a sense by the close personal friendship of the nations' respective heads of state, Manuelo Fernanda and Jhessan Spaulding.
The Kennyite ambassador to The Palentine is wealthy businessman and Fernanda campaign contributor Steve Sax; the returning envoy is Franco Rocky Sulla, brother of Palentine deputy prime minister (and inimitable icon of Barbaric Militant Machismo™) Horatio Sulla.
OMGTKK's first encounter with the Holy Wenaist Sultanate of Gruenberg was during a 2005 UN floor debate on Repeal "Protection of Dolphins Act", wherein Kennyite diplomats to the United Nations noted that for a sheer fucking insane theocratic regime, Gruenberg's arguments on UN policies were rather sensible and even-handed. (Of course, that was the State Department's first impression of The Eternal Kawaii too, and we all know what happened there -- and if you don't, scroll down.) Though the repeal failed, it began a long series of collaborations on UN legislation. Gruenberg would also help OMGTKK draft and campaign for Repeal "Fossil Fuel Reduction Act", which failed; Unconventional Arms Accord, which failed; Prohibition of UN Military, which failed, and Repeal "Mutual Recognition of Borders", which also failed. The Federal Republic really should have realized it sooner: Gruenberg is a fucking jinx. But the sultan's daughters are pretty hot, so it's not so bad. Also, Repeal "Gay Rights", in which the Gruenbergers also had a hand, passed, but that little item was omitted for the sake of constructing a lame joke. And let's not even mention ALC; forgottenlord will surely have a cardiac episode. In 2006, Gruenberg officially aligned itself with the Antarctic Oasis region in a diabolical scheme to get endorsements; OMGTKK later retaliated by making the sultanate UN Delegate. Since then, the two nations have worked together on regional projects, notably the Antarctic Oasis Economic Advancement Agreement and the AAA treaty.
Ambassador Dr. Angela Heimann-Weisenstrauss heads the Federal Republic's embassy in Flurthwel, and former Gruenberger ambassador to the United Nations Moltan Bausch heads the sultanate's embassy on Paradise City's Van Diesel Road (an embassy receiving an inordinate number of personal visits by the vice president of the Federal Republic, we might add).
The Federal Republic's relationship with the Spankingly Delicious Harem of Karmicaria is relatively young, but is well-established -- although Karmicarian leaders' congenital sluttiness, cattiness, and disturbing eagerness to punish necrophiliacs on an international level (and we all what Karmicaria's idea of "punishment" is) does on occasion give the Kennyite government pause. Why is an established democratic world power like OMGTKK aligned with a bunch of crazy, catty, bitchy, sexy, sexy sluts, you ask? Well, look at it this way: you got one nation whose president is a sleazy oversexed hornball, and another nation whose primary industry is private, er, "entertainment." You do the math. But other factors have contributed to the OMGTKK-Karmicarian alliance: former Queen Adrienne's willingness to ruin her life by marrying Fernanda buddy Susa Batko-Yovino, for one, and the resulting quid pro quo appointment of Karmicaria to the Regional Security Council. The Federal Republic and the erstwhile queendom (which is now a republic, we think) took pains to maintain friendly relations even after the latter briefly moved out of the region.
The OMGTKK embassy to Karmicaria, staffed by Ambassador Mark Reyes and Deputy Ambassador Whatzisface, is located at 123 Fake Street in Karma City. Karmicarian "Ambassador" Casandra Chase, meanwhile, may have annoying sleep habits, but is a demon in the sack, according to a very high-placed source in the federal government.
State Department analysts have classified the Dominion of Kivisto as a staggeringly dangerous tyrannical regime bent on systemically oppressing its citizens, intimidating political dissidents into silence, brutally ping-ponging fellow UN members on the General Assembly floor, and sexually propositioning anything with a pulse. And the Federal Republic would have it no other way. President Fernanda is also a big fan of the Kivistan national "Creep Hotline." According to Kennyite diplomats, Kivisto has brilliantly managed regional affairs as UN Delegate, and was swift to respond to a pathetic coup attempt in Paradise City by a departing whiner from the region who wouldn't shut the fuck up already.
There is a strong historical connection between OMGTKK and the Governorate of Cobdenia, despite the 75-year temporal gap: the two nations were founded on the same day, both choosing to make the Ameranta region their home. Sir Cyril, Cobdenia's current UN representative, served as ambassador to the Federal Republic from around 1995 till the early 2000s -- during which time a formal OMGTKK-Cobdenian alliance was forged -- but after Cyril's promotion the embassy was abandoned. This changed in 2005, when Kenny's One-Stop Diplomacy Shop! opened for business, giving two old friends a chance to catch up. Sir Rory Relp, then the Cobdenian foreign minister, really knew what he was doing when he recommended for the ambassadorial post an attractive young nudist woman with a crush on President Fernanda: as a result, OMGTKK's relations with the Governorate have never been stronger. Cobdenia, which provided naval support for the 2006 Kennyite invasion of Chechnya, moved to the Antarctic Oasis region in December.
The Joor Muffler Man currently serves as Kennyite ambassador to Cobdenia, having succeeded the late Lord Iganov; the Cobdenian envoy to Paradise City is Dame Elizabeth Cutler-Newington -- and any suggestion that her alleged affair with the president was the reason for Fernanda's decoration by the Governor-General in 2005 is rightly laughed off as the preposterous fantasy that it is.
OK, so the thing is, Kennyites don't usually commune with filthy communists, but the People's Democratic Republic of Yelda is much different than your everyday, run-of-the-mill, two-bit Stalinist regime: it likes Free Trade. And more importantly, it's willing to buy votes with generous gifts of Fine Yeldan Cheeses™, which really are delicious, let me tell you. They have a slight European flavor, yet at the same time maintain a certain Wisconsin-esque charm, and unlike the French varieties, they don't smell like shit. Yeah. So anyway, Yelda, despite its ties to The Pleiades region, has a strong affiliation with OMGTKK's humble abode. Iron Felix, Yelda's former UN ambassador and current director of state security, has been dispatched to the region as a goodwill ambassador of sorts. Both he and President Fernanda sit on the board of WhaleCo Global LLC, which sponsored a repeal of the UN's whaling ban in 2007. Yelda also assisted with the Kennyite-sponsored repeal of Protection of Dolphins Act in 2005.
The Federal Republic does not maintain formal diplomatic ties with the People's Democratic Republic.
No diplomatic relationship is perfect, and the alliance between the Federal Republic and the Principality of Ausserland is certainly indicative of that. The Ausserlanders and their delightfully no-holds-barred UN diplomats have strenuously opposed Kennyite proposals such as Repeal "Protection of Dolphins Act" and Unconventional Arms Accord, yet at the same time, the two nations share a common international goal: the annihilation of global terrorism. The Federal Republic and Ausserland, both longstanding members of UN DEFCON, contributed to drafts of UN initiatives banning state sponsorship of international terrorism, and strongly argued for their passage. In addition, Ausserland's ambassador to the Federal Republic, former army commando Xinnia Yossarian, has been acknowledged by the Kennyite government for her assistance in capturing and killing Paradise City militants.
Fernando Fernanda, the president's brother, is the Federal Republic's ambassador to Ausserland, and Yossarian serves as dean of the OMGTKK Diplomatic Corps. Sister Mary Frigidia Hahrdkaess is Ausserland's ambassador to Antarctic Oasis.
'States of concern'
Particularly threatening regimes were reclassified as "states of concern" by the State Department in 2002, mostly because the Thorne Administration was too polite to call them what they are: rogue states. Sec. Tehrani reverted all nations under this category to "rogue" status in 2005, but that only encouraged some of them in turn to dub the Federal Republic a "rogue nation." The following sections relate to affairs with some of the more prominent nations about which the Federal Republic has voiced strong "concern."
The Eternal Kawaii
Though the international community was mostly mute on the Cold and Sometimes Lukewarm War between the Federal Republic and what was formerly called the Holy Otaku Church of The Eternal Kawaii (HOCEK), any idiot with half a gnat's brain knows that the insane, theocratic Kawaiian regime was plainly guilty of international high crimes and misdemeanors too numerous and terrifying to recall. But we'll give it our best shot. First, there was the otaku's decision to open diplomatic channels with OMGTKK just so they could send a spy to Paradise City, posing as an "ambassador" while covertly investigating C-4 Penguin colonies in order to steal valuable military secrets. Then there were HOCEK's attempts to conceal its secret and unlawful (what international laws they actually broke we're not quite sure) nuclear activities, prompting the Federal Republic to sneak-attack them while they were too busy running and screaming in terror over a bunch of rampaging kittens to notice (yeah, they're nuts!). Then there was the HOCEK NSUN Nuncio's perceived provocation of the Kennyite diplomats when he picked the office suite right across the hall from the Kennyites at UN Headquarters. Then there was that time the Nuncio deigned to speak to the UN General Assembly, forcing then-Ambassador Jack Riley to kidnap him and hold him for questioning. Then there was the otaku's defiance of the post-Kitten Revolt ceasefire agreement by staging an illegal nuclear test. And finally, as a parting insult to Kennyite pride, there was that wholly biased account of these events posted on their wiki page. The silly kitten-worshipers probably never thought that their famed nemeses would find the "Save Page" button! But the joke's on them, because they did! Mwahahahahahaha!!!!
Formal diplomatic relations between OMGTKK and HOCEK were severed during the 2005 Kawaiian conflict, when the Federal Republic expelled the otaku's Nuncio for espionage. Relations were renewed somewhat after the ceasefire, but were finally terminated around November 2006 when the otaku expelled Ambassador Riley prior to Kawaii's nuclear test. State Department officials are pondering reopening diplomatic channels with the succeeding Diaspora Church.
Yet another bunch of crazy cat-lovers to ruffle the Kennyites' feathers (the all-too-clever cat-and-bird metaphor being used here to indicate that the Federal Republic is clearly the victim in this exchange), the State Department suspects convicted Ardchoillean felon Dicey Reilly of casting some magic spell on Ambassador Jack Riley, causing him to go insane and catnap Reilly's "feline adviser" Bast in 2006. This was followed by a period of increasing tensions between the diplomats' respective governments, during which, rather than try to resolve the incident diplomatically (or at least reverse the spell, because what else could possibly account for Riley's behavior?), Ardchoille elected to provoke the Federal Republic by terrorizing its citizens with legal notices demanding Bast's immediate return. This necessitated OMGTKK's deployment of smelly hippies to the Randomly Coherent Conclave. It was around that time that Reilly again came under deputy national security adviser Jenny Chiang's radar, when the former sought to harbor one of the hippies, accused tax-cheat and international fugitive Mike Grandison, by making him an Ardchoillean citizen and appointing him ambassador to Ausserland. Reilly is then alleged with trying to distract the Kennyite UN ambassador by enticing him with her pretty young intern.
The Federal Republic's ambassador to Ardchoille is former First Lady June Radey, while necromancy victim Granny Dhurigh serves as the Conclave's envoy.
While not having done anything overtly to offend the Federal Republic (yet), the People's Democratic Socialist Republic of Ariddia remain a bunch of slimy communists, so they're not to be trusted. They like to sponsor UN resolutions punishing free-market nations for contributing to "climate change." And besides, they keep implying that the Kennyites are running some sort of dictatorship, and consistently rank OMGTKK toward the bottom in their so-called "social rights rankings." They're probably terrorists too. A fair number of Ariddian agitators have been arrested in Paradise City anti-globalization demonstrations. So when PDSRA's foreign ministry applied for an embassy, the State Department was smart to send a home-grown anti-capitalist terrorist in return, to give the red devils a taste of their own medicine.
The Federal Republic's ambassador to Ariddia is Tad Braxton; Dr. Jane Ranomezanjanahary-Souvanhnavongsa-Fincfeuiaki is his counterpart on behalf of PDSRA.
- Manuelo FERNANDA, president of the Federal Republic
- Antigone MORGAN, vice president of the Federal Republic
- Alex TEHRANI, secretary of state
- Terry AUIMAUINUUESE-PUNI, undersecretary of state for regional affairs
- Jack RILEY, assistant secretary of state for UN member affairs
- Susa BATKO-YOVINO, ambassador to the United Nations
- Jenny CHIANG, deputy ambassador to the United Nations
- Antoin VENN, ambassador at large
- Lenny BETETA, ambassador to Antarctic Oasis
For a complete listing of accredited ambassadors to and from Omigodtheykilledkenny, please see Kenny Diplomatic Service.
|Omigodtheykilledkenny and the United Nations|
|Administration and Policies: Department of State | Mission to the United Nations | Voting Record | Creative Solutions Agency | Kennypoll™|
|Mission Staff: Susa Batko-Yovino | Jenny Chiang | Sammy Faisano | Alex Tehrani | Jessie McArthur | George Brown | Jack Riley | Surly the Repealinator|
|Sponsored Legislation: Repeal "Protection of Dolphins Act" | Repeal "Fossil Fuel Reduction Act" | Repeal "Gay Rights" | Abortion Legality Convention | Unconventional Arms Accord | Prohibition of UN Military | Repeal "Mutual Recognition of Borders" | Accessible Family Planning | Repeal "SPCC Regulation Act" | Repeal "Max Barry Day"|