Pontiff LaTank XVI

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The New Pontiff

The highest rank in the combined political and spiritual hierarchy of the Most Serene Republic of Harmonyca is the Office of the Pontiff. As the mouthpiece of God, he is possessed of infinite wisdom and knowledge, and is able to pass on divine commandments to which the citizens must adhere. The Pontiff is elected by the Cardinals in a Conclave, and he remains in his post until his death.

The previous holder of the office was Pontiff Bonbon II, a man greatly loved by both the clergy and the laity. His reformist policies on many divisive issues have given hope and inspiration to millions, and brought the faithful, not only in Harmonyca but around the world, closer to their God. When, tragically, Pontiff Bonbon's parachute failed to open, the country was in mourning, and a Conclave was called. Though racked with grief and despair, the cardinals had to keep a clear collective head, since they faced a challenge: how could they possibly elect someone to fill Bonbon's papal shoes?

Pundits were expecting a long Conclave, perhaps even longer than the 1478 meeting in which the college of cardinals, greatly reduced by famine, consisted only of two people, presumably continually voting for themselves. In this they were mistaken, and surprised: the new Pontiff was announced after a mere three days.

And thus is was that Cardinal Jerikko Faëfl came to be known as His Royal Imperial Holy Holiness of the First Diocese The Most Serene and Enlightened Reverend of Reverends Pontiff Iohannes Marq Praise-God LaTank XVI.


A Dark Day for Liberals?

Flaëfl seemed an unlikely choice for Pontiff – indeed, the bookies had given the scary-eyed Cardinal odds of less that eighteen thousand to one, despite the fact that gambling had been outlawed in Harmonyca by the previous Pontiff – and the announcement of his election was met with surprise by all, and dread from the more liberal of the laity. The Cardinal's hard-line views on such topics as abortion, gay marriage and not burning people quite so often are well-known, and so the new Pontiff had a reputation for being somewhat right-wing even before he made his somewhat controversial inaugural speech:

"Ehhh… ehhh… ehhhhheh… heheheheheh… Hehehehahahaha ha ha ha HA! HAAAA HA HA HA HAAAAA! HA HA HAAAAR! HEEE HEE HA-HAAAAAAAARGH! Hehe." – Pontiff LaTank XVI, 5th April 2005

It was perhaps in an attempt to dispel this politically unfavourable reputation that the Church allowed reporters from HarmonyCom News, Harmonyca's premier television broadcasting company, to interview him in his secluded palace. If the intention had been portray him as a sympathetic, understanding, compassionate 'People's Pontiff', it backfired terribly: rather than answering the their questions, LaTank chose instead to stare unblinkingly at them until, unnerved to the point of tears, they decided to conclude the show forty-five minutes early.

Though there are precedents for the use of this rather unsettling interview technique (see entries for Pontiff Innocent XI, Pontiff Polite XXIII, and the Git Wizard David Blaine), it did nothing to reconcile LaTank with the liberals.

Finding themselves short of video footage, the HarmonyCom crew decided to fill the gap by interviewing several other Conclave members, all of whom showered Pontiff LaTank with appropriately reverential accolades. One, however, who chose to remain anonymous, gave a different story:

"Pontiff LaTank has a terrible drinking problem," he said. "He has a drink to help himself wake up in the morning, a drink to send himself to sleep. All through the day he has a glass in his hand, taking great big gulps of the vile stuff morning, noon and night. He's out of control! He just can't stop himself!"

When asked how long LaTank's alcoholism had lasted, the Cardinal stared blankly at them, then shook his head. "I don't mean alcohol, oh no. I mean soy sauce! He drinks it by the pint!"


Economic Policies

Though LaTank's ultraconservative standpoint on many moral issues has been well documented, much praise has been bestowed upon his deft handling of the economy. By fully absorbing all other aspects of daily life into the existing religious hierarchy, and reducing bureaucracy by cutting out the middleman and telling people simply to "Ask God What To Do" (LaTank XVI, 2005), the Pontiff has been able to lower income tax from 100% to as low as 64%. This feat has been welcomed by Harmonycans the world over; in fact, he has already been hailed as "the Pontiff who defeated Communism" (Bleet, 2005).

Though the fall of Communism has given a huge financial boost to the Department of Religion and Spirituality, which now consumes more than 70% of government spending, other areas such as healthcare, education and commerce have become terribly neglected. This has caused the average income per head to drop alarmingly, with only the somewhat unorthodox system of the Faith-Based Soul Credit (Adjusted) keeping the economy afloat. Recently, an economic essayist from the nation of Induced Capitalism suggested that public transport may be improved by converting to the radical new economic theory of Grahamonomics; the fact that this essayist was promptly stoned to death for heresy could be interpreted as a negative response to this suggestion.


Religious Policies

Although he has rarely appeared before the masses, preferring to delegate such activities to Cardinals who "Give A Flying [expletive deleted] About The Masses" (LaTank, 2005), the impact he has had on the religion has been extraordinary. By spending many, many hours in prayer and contemplation, he has been able to pass on, from God, over two hundred and fifty commandments in the space of a week, increasing the length of the Holy Dogma by a third.

It would appear that Pontiff LaTank's religious fervour has taken the college of Cardinals by surprise. Acerbic religious commentator Sebastian Dimblepax for HarmonyCom news has shown that the Pontiff's policies are frightening the Cardinals away from the religious right, yet simultaneously causing wide doctrinal schisms on the left which prevent them from forming the necessary socio-political alliances required to mount a sufficient minority opposition. Meanwhile, his Breakfast Show co-worker Caroline Kaplinskokomigorbachev has pointed out how tired they all look all the time.