Ragnar III
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Emperor Ragnar III “Angel Of Death” is the current emperor of Hellaciousism. This liberal-minded king only recently ascended to the throne after the death of his father, Olav III “Schoolgirl Hammer”, and is currently in the process of scaling back military spending and working on improving the country’s human rights record.
Contents
Biography
Beginnings
Ragnar III acquired his peculiar title in an equally peculiar fashion. It is said that only five minutes after emerging from the womb, young Ragnar snatched an electric guitar from one his father’s servants and played the opening solo to the Slayer song “Angel of Death” so flawlessly that it would have made Kerry King shit himself. Even his parents began calling him “Angel of Death”, and when it came time to choose the new emperor’s title, it was an obvious choice.
The Teenage Years
As a young prince and heir to the throne, Ragnar was taught all of the things that heirs must know, such as swordfighting, archery, mathematics, economics, philosophy, and how to pick up chicks. It was at the age of sixteen that he met his first love, a girl named Clarice. This relationship soon ended, however, when Clarice was killed by a cyborg sent from the far future who mistook her for a woman named Sarah Connor.
His heart in tatters, Ragnar returned to the Imperial Palace and attended a drinking party that his dad was throwing. While there, he met a beautiful model who had recently been featured in that year’s “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit issue, and they clicked. Unfortunately, she was already dating a muscular wrestler in the WWE, who promptly proceeded to beat Ragnar’s face in while inexplicably screaming “CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN’???”
These two incidents damaged young Prince Ragnar’s ability to pick up women for the next few years.
Ragnar Meets His Future Wife
Two years later, Ragnar decided to attend another one of his father’s parties. His father, disappointed that his son apparently hadn’t inherited his own legendary woman-luring skills, asked a nobleman for advice. It turned out that the nobleman’s only daughter, Garnet Anaxander, was also having having dating problems. The Emperor and the nobleman set up a meeting between these two young people, who quickly fell for each other. As soon as he turned eighteen, Ragnar proposed, and the two were married in a drunken ceremony of epic proportions.
Ascension To The Throne
Things were peachy until soon after Ragnar’s 22nd birthday. His father, the appropriately-titled “Schoolgirl Hammer”, died after a fembot sent by Dr. Evil seduced and assassinated him behind a bar. After presiding over his father’s funeral, Ragnar accepted the crown, becoming Emperor Ragnar III, the “Angel Of Death”. This was only recently, and Ragnar is now hark at work revamping the country’s policies.
