Recent events in Wharf Springs

Listed in chronological order since the dawn of time, i.e. 1947, §0:

Wharf Springs Hosts Damn Good Party!

FORMICA WOODTOPS, Wharf Springs: President Bernard of the Federation of Wharf Springs today thanked the leaders of all the free world, as well as all the leaders of Evil Countries Who Whip Their People Into Submission, for their presence at a Damn Good Rave in capital city Formica Woodtops. The event, which involved much alcohol and even more table ingestion was declared "an almighty success" by the President shortly before falling into a bathtub filled with cranberry juice and starch. Before the event, The Ambassador received all representatives of other nations and immediately invited them to sample his wares: often licked, never beaten.

Afterwards, a small ceremony was held in honour of the wonderful sparkly lights currently visible within the area of Wharf Springs. Rumours that the lights are merely a reflection from the potassium benzo-dixoide clouds being produced from neighbour Induced Capitalism were dismissed later as "total balderdash" by CEO Thomas, who later was rushed into hospital for treatment of an unrelated illness.

The party was eventually broken up at 3am after a heated verbal exchange between leaders of Harmonyca and Pistol Whipped People over which nation's people are hard enough to use the Toughest Toilet Paper of All: ASDA Red Fox Cheap As Sh*t Sh*t Wiper Upper Stuff (Now In New Brown Fragrance Variety).

Wharf Springs In Turmoil

FORMICA WOODTOPS, Wharf Springs: President Bernard made significant moves to quell the riotous population of Wharf Springs today after it emerged that supplies of popular Australian soap "Neighbours" had dried up for the Christmas holiday at the state television station, WSTV. This unprecedented move came after reports that tapes of episodes are changing hands for over ten thousand coffee jars on the Wharf Springs black market.

President Bernard moved quickly to dismiss speculation that he had abused his position to obtain advance copies of new episodes as they are released to the WSTC. He told reporters that the story was "complete nonsense" and later added, "And who would have thought that Luka turned out to be gay anyway?" before being swiftly escorted away by the security forces from an angry mob that had co-incidentally gathered nearby.

President Bernard blasts UN, Resigns in Protest

FORMICA WOODTOPS, Wharf Springs: President Bernard of Wharf Springs today unleashed a major attack against the world's only gubernatorial body, the United Nations, dismissing it as "sovereignty intruding and fiercely anti-democratic" before lampooning the UN's catering staff for producing "inedible dog turds that even the bacteria and fur that you find on the Finest Kloomp Pie would turn their noses up at."

The unprecedented statement came after the most recent UN resolution "The Sex Industry Worker Act" had a major impact on the Wharf Springs economy, causing it to grow by 800% overnight, leading to rampant inflation across the country and spurious demands from bureaucrats to spend the new found wealth on solid gold pens, solid gold toilet roll and importing the finest Lemon Fresh air fresheners from Kloompamia.

Bernard explained that the UN was destroying the internal sovereignty of his nation, and decided that it was no longer feasible for his nation to remain a member. The move was soon sharply rebuked as "treachery" by UN Secretary-General Coffee "General" Adnan.

The liberal media in Wharf Springs was also taken aback by the move, which it complained was "severely right-wing". Question marks have now been raised over Bernard's capability to govern, while some commentators opined that the President may be getting right-wing in his old age. Some hours later, the President was rumoured to have issued several fatwas against a handful of noted journalists and editors, but he moved to dismiss speculation that the two incidents were related, before he drew a sword from his pants and beheaded a member of the paparazzi for daring to "place a foot on his property."

STOP PRESS: The government has just issued a press release announcing that it will introduce legislation through the Senate tomorrow that will make it legal for homeowners to use any force in removing intruders from their land. The President's press secretary then added, "Naturally, this law would apply retrospectively, but only in certain special cases, particularly those involving the President." He was then bundled away through a secret revolving fireplace to the sound of muffled screams.

President Bernard Laments "enormous" Tax Bill

FORMICA WOODTOPS, Wharf Springs: President Bernard today, in line with his administration's new policy of Grahamonomics, decried the nation's 91% tax rate as a "national travesty", an "outrage", and a "bloody pain in the backside that I only get to take home 200 coffee jars a month, not even enough to keep my wife's cocaine addiction funded... ooops." The measures were rammed through Parliament last week after some brutal and questionable tactics involving the incitement of voodoo curses on noted opposition politicians. Between stabbings of pins into the eyes of small dolls, Bernard wailed, wept and gnashed his teeth at the fact that he wasn't even able to afford to get a handyman to open his stuck windows so that he could engage in his favourite pastime of "launching binbags out the window."

It has been noted by many in the media lately that the President is becoming increasingly concerned about attracting more foreign direct investment (FDI) into his nation. Responding to critics of his tax rate today, the President suddenly leaped into the air and released a strange and potent fragrance that some journalists noted was "akin to the smell one might find in one of those funny coffee shops you find in the Netherlands. And certain localised areas of Hull." No one was quite sure what the move signified, but noted philosopher, existentialist and psychoanalyst of President Bernard, Prof. Dan Corleone claims, "this was a classic retaliatory move by a President who feels he is not getting enough respect from his peers. And after all, what is man if he is not respected? Being respected allows one to ignore the gaping hole in one's bank balance."

The President is expected to continue revising the tax rate downwards over the coming months in his efforts of shoring up the nation's economy. At his daily press conference, the President was asked to analyse the current economic state. He replied:

"Well, Jim... I believe right now that the current boom in our economy that we're still feeling from the UN's prostitution resolution will soon fade. Man cannot live on sex alone, and it is a mistake to feel that our economy will continue to boom just because some loner, geeky 20-somethings, bored 30-somethings and aging 40-somethings aren't getting enough..." at this point, the President imitated the noise of a creaking bed for some 12 minutes: "...from their wives. Or in some cases, nothing at all.

"You know, there have been cases of sex-based economies all the way through history. The city-state of Sod'Em was well known as the Buggery capital of the world, where a Respectable Gentlemen could politely roger a lady for some 30 minutes in exchange for just three shiny pennies. Well, you know what happened there in the end!"

A note of silence fell upon the room as the press corps waited expectantly for the President to finish the story. He eventually did...

"The Mormons moved in! And we don't want the Mormons seeping across the border from Harmonyca! They'll lock everyone's genitals up in clamps before you can say "John Leslie is an innocent man!"

"So it's vital we start to expand our economy before my People Expend all their Love on Prostitutes! I'd rather they blew their load on pearl necklaces for their wives!"

The press corps, understandably, burst into laughter at this latest embarrassing blunder from the now increasingly gaffe-prone President, who was escorted out by security services. Sources close to the head of the Intelligence Directorate later revealed that the President was seen to be "visibly foaming at the mouth" and "on the verge of buying the Daily Mail" shortly afterwards.

Opposition Leader Mourns Loss of Teeth

FORMICA WOODTOPS, Wharf Springs: Communist party leader Prof. Miguel Turdgess today was the butt of most jokes when he appeared today to open a brand new Anti-Cattle Grid outside of capital Formica Woodtops sporting a somewhat toothless grin.

The Professor, one of President Bernard's harshest critics and staunch totalitarian had been riding a wave of publicity lately after his most recent book, "How Centrally Controlled Is Your Economy?" became an instant smash hit, debuting at #1 in the book charts, and his become the nation's favourite page-turner. Police chiefs have been blaming a recent spate of violent verbal assaults in the street, whereby citizens denounce each other as being "the only free-marketeer in the village", squarely on the book. In accordance with new anti-privacy laws, the Head of Very Special and Secret Intelligence has made it well known that they are closely monitoring the opposition leader's movements, "just in case he tries to overthrow the government without anyone noticing, you know, just like they did in Nazi Germany."

The incident turned sour when the Communist leader was asked for a reaction to comments that he had a fathered numerous love childs in his teens, contrary to his party's policy of Compulsory Genital Clamping so the State is allowed to be the only Organ of Love by deciding when and how "new Comrades" are "Freed Into The Motherland" as the official party manifesto. Before responding to the comments, the Professor indicated a new justification of the policy, stating, "if we had had this policy when our party invented it 25 years ago, I have no doubt we would not currently be suffering the daily excretions and feculence of the Kloomp Family who have been blocking the drains of Wharf Springs for generations!"

When one journalist pointed out that the question had not yet been answered, the opposition leader denounced the accusing mother in question as an "enemy of the Kommunist ways" and a "notorious prostitute who has recently been very busy thanks to the Accursed UN!". He went on to say categorically that he "did not have sexual relations with that woman - Miss Kaplinksy." When further pressed by the media for the definition of sexual relations, given the fact that they were fooled by Bill Clinton some years ago, he bellowed:

"I didn't THHHHHUCK her, alright?!"

A shower of saliva danced pleasantly across the sky and coated six journalists with Kommunist Kleansing Agent. Wondering what had happened, it took a small boy, aged 6, to point out that the Kommie Scum had just tried to sound the "f" consonant and had not been able to due to the lack of teeth. The press pack immediately pounced on him, prised open his jaw with a nearby crowbar relieved from the rebellious 6-year-old and took thousands of pictures of the Toothless Kunt's mouth.

The Not-So-Great Leader Now was rescued eventually by a rampant cow from a nearby field who had managed to cross the cattle-grid before the official opening and dispersed the Baying Mobs of journalists quicker than a Kloomp downs a Fur Pie. As he made his escape on the back of the cow, Turdgess was heard to be whinging and whining about the "new right-wing media not giving me a fair crack of the Sickle" and "those damn 99% tax rates are stopping me from getting a new set of dentures." It is rumoured that his conversion to Grahamonomics is complete, and The New Freedom Media Have Triumphed Again In Their Goal Of Removing All Traces Of Liberalism From The Nation! Hail Ronald Reagan!

Police remain on the lookout for the rogue cow, known only to its friends as "Killer", and have told citizens to be on their guard, as it is known to consider "bleeding heart liberals" a delicacy.

A Daily Mail Production.

President Bernard On The Warpath

FORMICA WOODTOPS, Wharf Springs: President Bernard this morning called a shock press conference - promising to deliver 10,000 fresh volts to all journalists who failed to report his statement accurately - where he announced the news the nation was dreading. In recent months, the President has become increasingly concerned about cementing his place in the Long and Glorious History of Wharf Springs, primarily due to the fact that the opinion polls have plunged massively against him, and in some states even registering as a negative, prompting suspicions of a disturbing new fad in so called "anti-votes", often cast by young, hooded individuals who are Hell Bent on Destroying Wharf Spring's (very)-Liberal Democracy. As a consequence, with the next election less than 1 § away, the nation was on tenterhooks for what Bernard's latest Denouncement would be.

Denouncements have become commonplace at Bernard's press conferences. Since his conversion to Grahamonomics, he has slowly become more insular and conniving. Previous Presidents had a habit of holding morning press briefings amid a lighter yet more surreal atmosphere, with much tokeage of fine Hamey-Endorsed Wizard Bongs and some good, good music provided from the Cliff Richard's legendary "stoner" phase, with all the while office tea-boys and girls holding torches under their chins and wearing a lampshade which projected the phrase "Your President Loves You, And Your Wife" (a throwback to the days of notorious love-addict and ex-President Randy Flypops) onto the walls of the briefing room. However, this once daily ritual of Happiness has since been turned into a morning strop from President Bernard, where instead he pulls out the Wheel Of Hate, which he spins and where the pointer finishes he spends 30 minutes proclaiming with voracity and spittle-flecked invective (often leaving journalists wading knee-deep in saliva) why today's new Hate Figure should be lynched from the nearest Hitchin' Post.

This morning, however, it was not to be. The President first shocked the assembled Press Pack by not coming out from the Maple Office to the hallowed strains of the Wheel of Fortune theme tune while clutching today's Hate Wheel which he normally attaches to the spinning device installed in front of his lectern. When the journalists had recovered from the shock, the President waved his arm in the air to silence the hubbub. They did so without delay.

"Friends, relatives, countryfolk, sewerfolk, and My Darling rats," he began. "This morning, I have decided that it is time to take Action. Action that is long overdue." The President gave a pause that seemed to last for an eternity, while seemingly enjoying the rise in tension in the room as the nation sat gripped in anticipation. The journalists sat bolt upright and poised their pens to receive the News. He pressed his hand against his chest, and continued.

"Yes. It is time for Action against the tax rate that is still far too high."

The nation quivered with fright. The tax rate, currently standing at 61%, could surely not go any lower. Most people agree that they are not responsible enough to look after their own money, and would prefer the government to spend it for them, especially since the reduction in tax rate has been directly attributed by Important Professors and Bored Post-Graduate students to the rise in crime rate, the decline in exam results and the increase in the number of pyramid tea bag related accidents in the country.

Yet the journalists in the room exploded with joy and applause. For They are a Hardworking and Underpaid bunch. They want more money so they can donate it to cute kitten charities, the rescue of equine animals who get needlessly dumped in the sea each year, and pressure groups involved in pressing for the destruction of all barriers to central heating boiler ownership. The President raised his arm to the sky, clutching a gold envelope.

"This envelope contains the solution. In it is the entire contents of what I haven't spent from this year's Federal budget - £4.50 and a coupon for a free footlong Subway sandwich - and a personal note to my friend and closest ally, Professor the Lord Clamp of Lemona."

The room gasped collectively. The figure of the Professor Clamp is talked only about in legends, and only then to scare children sh*tless before bedtime to warn them of the perils of low tax rates, low hygiene rates and low never-opening-your-f*cking-window-despite-creating-such-a-f*cking-stink rates.

"The Professor is an expert in this field. He Will ensure that our tax rate comes down to more acceptable levels before the next election. I Will leave my Legacy on this country." The President's tone of voice started rising: "By luring him to Wharf Springs with the promise of a free footlong Beef Maximum with added Lemon Sauce, I will finally cause him to come out from hiding. He Is Needed. This is His Call to Greatness. And I Will Be The Man Who Summoned Him Out Of His Hermit State!"

With that an astonished press corps fell silent with mouths gaping open. Never before had President Bernard delivered such a stirring piece of oratory. But then he topped the Ben & Jerry's ice cream with the finest cherry the world has ever seen.

From the ceiling descended hundreds of Jif Lemons which fell neatly into the aforesaid journalists' open mouths. The President roared with laughter as the lemons emptied their foul, sour contents into their victims who writhed with agony, unable to move since the President issued an Executive Order two months before that all assembled media types must wear electromagnetic shoes that ensure they cannot shuffle or move during important Speeches on the Press Room's metal floor while the President is speaking, since his voice has a habit of causing electricity to flow towards and gather in nearby conductive surfaces.

The howling and wailing continued as the President decided it was time to move on. With a click of the heels he rose from the ground and sailed out the open window, evidently engaging himself in his new daily ritual of sun obscurance, an odd form of torture perfected by the President and performed for 5 minutes at 12 midday daily in order to remind people just who is in charge. The darkness causes the national animal - the flobble - to come out early and with normally devastating consequences as it tears to pieces all citizens who have failed to spend their new found wealth from the government's lower tax rates.

For most citizens, the next election cannot come too soon.