Repeal "Gay Rights"
|#144: Repeal "Gay Rights"
The repeal of the Gay Rights resolution proved one of the most controversial topics that would ever come before the United Nations. In spite of the proposal's inoffensive arguments, and its simple housekeeping goals, it would spark a highly emotional floor debate and open a rift among longstanding UN Members.
Getting a repeal of Gay Rights passed was actually a New Year's resolution  made by OMGTKK UN Ambassador Jack Riley, probably while drunk. Riley opined, with disturbing sincerity, that a race of Mayan aliens were using mind-controlling air fresheners to force humans to build a network of underground tunnels for their army of giant radioactive hamsters which would rise up to attack the Earthlings, allowing the aliens to enslave all of humanity before December 23, 2012, when the Earth's magnetic poles would reverse and the world would explode -- unless a repeal of the Gay Rights resolution was adopted by February 11, 2006. Kennyite leaders and intellectuals alike dismissed Riley's latest off-the-wall harrangue, holding that the idea that a race of Mayan aliens were using mind-controlling air fresheners to force humans to build a network of underground tunnels for their army of giant radioactive hamsters which would rise up to attack the Earthlings, allowing the aliens to enslave all of humanity before December 23, 2012, when the Earth's magnetic poles would reverse and the world would explode -- unless a repeal of the Gay Rights resolution was adopted by February 11, 2006, was laughable. To quote the irrepressibly eloquent Secretary of State Alex Tehrani: "The idea that a race of Mayan aliens are using mind-controlling air fresheners to force humans to build a network of underground tunnels for their army of giant radioactive hamsters which will rise up to attack us, allowing the aliens to enslave all of humanity before December 23, 2012, when the Earth's magnetic poles will reverse and the world will explode -- unless a repeal of the Gay Rights resolution is adopted by February 11, 2006, is laughable."
Defense Secretary Charlie Valentine, however, wasn't taking any chances, having convinced President Manuelo Fernanda to take action against the hamster menace and authorize tactical nuclear strikes on pet shops in strategic locations across the globe. Things got sticky when the radioactive material from the Kennyite nukes infected the hamsters in said pet shops, producing an army of giant radioactive hamsters which would wreak havoc on the affected nations -- forcing the Defense Department to develop mind-controlling air fresheners to compel the people in those nations to build a network of underground tunnels in which to stash the giant radioactive hamsters until a repeal of the Gay Rights resolution was secured. Altogether, an ironic twist worthy of a Greek tragedy.
Earlier Repeal Proposal
The Kennyite efforts to repeal the Gay Rights bill actually grew from an earlier attempt to repeal the resolution on national sovereignty grounds. The debate that ensued produced a UN Secretariat ruling  that the repeal arguments were moot, as gays already enjoyed substantial freedoms under other UN mandates, so nations would not have the authority to oppress gays, even if the resolution was repealed. In spite of this ruling, the smackdown continued between the hardliner sovereigntists, and moderate NSO members and other supporters of gay rights -- including a heated exchange between Riley and the Fonzolander delegation involving disagreements over the latter's quoting NSO members (Riley thought) to bolster its own arguments, and repeated references to the little-known and probably nonexistent nation of Boricuastan.       (The Yeldan contingent, which both nations cited in their arguments, would later declare itself amused at the exchange. )
In the course of the discussion, Riley also confronted a certain militant-themed Secretariat nation contending that national sovereignty was not a valid basis for repealing anything.     Though part of the moderator ruling may have been based on what Riley considered faulty grounds, he had to accept that the ruling was essentially valid. The Gruenberger delegation, however, contended a repeal was still possible on redundancy grounds , and produced a tentative draft , largely the inspiration for the eventual Kennyite draft.
Riley's draft was quickly honed over New Year's weekend, and was ready to be submitted by early January. But in order to get his proposal to queue, Riley had to call upon the dastardly duo, the usual suspects, the studly sultanates, the sovereigntist saboteurs, the guys who don't know the meaning of the word "fluffy": Moltan Bausch of Gruenberg, with the amazing ability to excoriate UN lefties with devastating invective (and think up thousands of amusing nation pretitles, all variations on the word "goat"), and Sheik Nadnerb bin Cluich of Cluichstan, harnessing the powers of his indomitable army of loyal phone-sex operators. Combined with Riley's special ability to make insanity seem like a day trip, our three heroes formed the Unholy Trinity -- which really has four members (Horatio Sulla of The Palentine was away on business that week, most likely relating to heavy intakes of Wild Turkey™ and indecent proposals to the Thessadorian ambassador). The three nations carpetbombed the list of UN Delegates (Riley taking the opportunity to pimp for the Federal Republic VP ), and the repeal sailed to quorum; it would have to sit in the queue for weeks, however, behind the roughly 8,546 other repeals the UN at the time was considering.
UN Floor Debate
In spite of the relative civility that surrounded the draft and submission process, things turned very ugly very fast as soon as the secretary-general's gaval sounded to start the official debate. Despite the fact that moderate sovereigntists (some reluctantly) joined with Fonzoland (with which the Kenny delegation locked horns over the previous repeal attempt) in endorsing the repeal, longstanding human-rights advocates in the assembly hall could not bring themselves to vote for a repeal of Gay Rights. Enn admitted upfront that it was voting against for purely "sentimental reasons."  And though the repeal text simply stated that the UN should commit itself to tossing out waste, though gays deserved the protections granted them by other resolutions, some claimed it would have negative ramifications beyond its stated intentions.
The sparks began to fly as members of the Gay region (which Gruenberg had tried to lobby prior to the repeal's submission) chimed in to accuse repeal proponents of homophobia.    The inimitible, if irascible, Aram Koopman of Knootoss followed with a declaration that the repeal was a "kneefall to homophobes and bigots," and denounced "the lies promoted by the YES-camp." He claimed the standing resolution did "no harm to anyone" , chided the assembly's "breeder majority" for condescending to gays , and closed with an oration accusing the proponents of harming gays by replacing their "beloved resolution" with "an entire bureaucratic circus and a painful divisive debate." 
The Texan Hotrodders delegation, which had urged repeal opponents not to "turn this resolution into your teddy bear," followed through with an offer "to distribute a cute and cuddly teddy bear to all those who vote against the repeal," flatly telling them, "you need one."  Sulla did one better, offering to share his stock of hard liquor (as it turned out, hard liquor would flow heavily with this particular debate).  These offers did not stop the Love and esterel contingent from raising questions about Riley's intentions and assertion that the standing resolution, among others, was "worthless shit."    This prompted Riley to threaten to shoot himself , and Gruenberg to accuse LAE of trying "to paint the supporters of this repeal as homophobes."  Charges of homophobia continued, including one mystifying remark from Smarxsh: "It would appear that Omigodtheykilledkenny is attempting to start a fundementalist backlash against the erotic liberties of the human race!"  At this, the Jevian ambassador, an opponent of the repeal, threatened to switch his vote. 
In the end, despite the conventional wisdom that Gay Rights would never be repealed and the sniveling prediction from the Bresnian consul that the sovereigntists were "going to lose this debate" -- to the surprise of many -- the repeal passed 3-to-2.
Major Delegate Votes
- The Pacific
- The South Pacific
- The Rejected Realms
- Awful Circle
In order to facilitate the floor proceedings and avoid unnecessary questions, the Kenny delegation distributed a talking-points FAQ to UN representatives at the outset of the debate, valiant efforts some considered wasted:
Why repeal this resolution? Removing one barrier of protection for gays will only make other protections more vulnerable, won’t it?
Well, first off, let me reiterate: This proposal does nothing, so we aren’t really removing anything. The only protections the standing resolution grants are: outlawing discrimination against gays, and allowing gay marriage. (Anti-)Discrimination Accord (Res. #99) already protects gays from discrimination, and does a much better job than this waste of paper – just as Definition of Marriage (Res. #81) does a better job at protecting gay marriage. Also, the chances of repealing those two resolutions are very slim, so the protections outlined in this proposal remain intact (and, in my humble opinion, invulnerable), even if this article is struck out.
But what if we’d rather repeal (and replace) other bad resolutions, like Rights of Minorities and Women, and Sexual Freedom? Wouldn’t repealing this as well leave a void?
No. The only resolutions Gay Rights overlaps are #81 and #99, so repealing RoMaW and SF would still leave a “void,” even without this repeal.
Seriously, why repeal something with such a lofty goal as protecting gay rights?
Because it doesn’t really protect them. All it does is give broad generalities about what the goals should be (“protect all people from discrimination,” “gay marriages should be protected”), without outlining how it should be done. Since this bill was passed, the United Nations has had the chance to improve significantly on its provisos, with the passage of (anti-)Discrimination Accord and Definition of Marriage, so this resolution is no longer necessary. Besides, this body’s (anti-)Discrimination Accord flatly states that Gay Rights “in practice does virtually nothing to protect citizens’ rights”; why would the United Nations keep a resolution it has already condemned as ineffective and unnecessary?
This repeal is prejudiced and homophobic!!!!!!!! Vote AGAINST!!!!!!!
That’s not even a question. I’ve already explained why this isn’t a campaign to deny gay rights. Read the damn proposal. As a super-special player opined of this proposal on an off-site forum: “This repeal is undoubtedly the most sympathetic repeal anyone could imagine, and its opening paragraphs probably do more for the cause than the original proposal ever did ...”
I agree with this repeal. Gays are cute, cuddly and beloved by children everywhere, and they should have rights.
Umm, I don’t think you understand what “repeal” means. Here’s a dictionary. Look it up.
I am sick of all these repeals!!!! Why can’t you guys come up with NEW legislation, instead of just repealing everything?!
(Sigh) Why don’t you write something new? No one’s holding a gun to your head not to.
I’m sick of all these repeals!!!! How do I resign?
That’s easy. See the button on the NationStates UN page labeled “Resign”? Press it.
“But the button doesn’t work!”, or
“The gnomes won’t let me out the door unless I pay my insurance deposit first! Even though I already paid it!”, or
“I’m afraid the notorious UN office raiders will steal all my stuff if I leave!”, or
“The office raiders are already banging down my door; I may not get out of the building alive!!”
Easily remedied. Simply submit ten proposals, all within minutes of each other, all just one letter long, and all in the proper order. Your first proposal should read: “T,” your second: “H,” your third: “E,” and so on: “U.,” N.,” “I,” “S,” “G,” “A,” “Y.” You will instantly be booted from the UN for rules violations. And security will escort you out of the building.
Will you invade me if I vote against?
What kind of silly question is that? ... Of course we will invade you! You best start sealing yourselves in your underground bunkers now, and ready yourselves for a long nuclear winter.
Description: UN Resolution #12: Gay Rights (Category: Human Rights; Strength: Strong) shall be struck out and rendered null and void.
Argument: This Assembly,
AFFIRMING that gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender individuals are deserving of full and equal protection under the law;
REAFFIRMING its earlier stance in Resolution #99: Discrimination Accord, that the resolution Gay Rights "in practice does virtually nothing to protect citizens' rights";
VOICING its concern that keeping poor, ineffectual legislation such as Resolution #12 on the books will do nothing to advance the cause for human rights, and will in fact hamper this body's ability to make further strides in that arena;
ACKNOWLEDGING that gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender individuals are ALREADY afforded substantial protections under international law through past declarations of this body; protections including, but not limited to:
1) Freedom to marry individuals of the same sex or gender;
2) Freedom to express their love for persons of the same gender;
3) Freedom from imprisonment based on sexuality;
4) Freedom from discrimination;
5) Freedom of sexual privacy; thus
DEEMING the Gay Rights resolution redundant and unnecessary;
MINDFUL that it is in the interests of the United Nations to streamline and strike out superfluous and ineffective legislation;
RECOGNIZING that the enactment of this article will NOT permit member states to discriminate against gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender individuals; hereby
REPEALS Resolution #12: Gay Rights.
- Votes For: 8,084
- Votes Against: 5,359
- Implemented: Sat Feb 4 2006
As the opponents of the repeal predicted, all UN member nations immediately transformed into Psychotic Dictatorships, governments began routinely to oppress and persecute their citizens, a resulting surge in flights from UN nations triggered a massive refugee pandemic, the world ended, Armageddon was unleashed, the Earth crashed into the Sun, and to top it all off, the NS server crashed, never to be recovered, and all NS nations ceased to exist, permanently. Oh, wait. None of that actually happened. It all must have been just a wonderful dream ...
To streamline the debate process, the Federal Republic offered member governments the chance to state their position without entering a statement into the record. The InstaPoll™ results reveal that 80 nations sincerely wanted to strike out waste, 86 thought the repeal would have unintended negative consequences, 10 just wanted to piss off the fluffies, five wanted to piss off the sovereigntists, two were afraid to state their position, 13 didn't care, 19 thought Kenny was a "big gay homophobe!!", five were ashamed of their mutilated penises, 43 were sick and tired of the long string of UN repeals that greeted the New Year, and 35 were possibly homophobic themselves. For purposes of comparing the forum poll with actual results, just 42 percent of forum respondents were in favor of the repeal, despite the fact that it passed by a 60%-40% margin. 53 percent of polled forum users were opposed. It is difficult to explain the sharp discrepancy, aside from the fact that more delegates voted in favor, and delegates control more votes than regular members (though that alone cannot account for a 31% swing). That, and the poll wasn't scientific.
A mathematical formula may also be applied to compare and contrast poling data with actual results. To do this, add columns 1 and 2, subtract from the sum of columns 3 and 5, multiply by the square root of the average length of UN envoys' mutilated penises, divide by the number of times Kenny has died in episodes of "South Park," add the combined total of columns 4, 6, 7, 8 and 10, subtract the number of rogue nations the Federal Republic has invaded in the last six months, divide by the number of times you barfed when you read about Bob Flibble's "genetic jackhammer" or Cluich's offer to give LAE a lapdance (including the times you barfed after reading it here), multiply by the number of CPSEL agents it took to subdue Jack Riley, subtract the number of times Koopman has been charged with arson, add the number of IQ points you lost after reading the repeal debate, then multiply the whole thing by pi. It's easier than doing your taxes.
InstaPoll™: Express your government’s position without posting! Oh, the efficiency!
1: I vote YES, because gays are already afforded plenty of rights under UN conventions.
2: YES, because the UN should not afford gays ANY rights.
3: NO, because repealing this only opens the door to more human rights repeals.
4: NO, but only to piss off the sovereigntist scum.
5: YES, but only to piss off the Fluffy morons.
6: NO, because I am ashamed of my mutilated penis.
7: NO, because Kenny is a big gay homophobe!!
8: ABSTAIN, because if I said how I voted, the other ambassadors might hurt me.
9: NO!! I am SICK of all these FREAKIN’ REPEALS!! YOU GO TO HELL!! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!!
10: I just don't care.
- Repeal 'Gay Rights' UN Floor Debate
- Repeal Gay Rights: NEW AND IMPROVED!! Draft/Submission Thread
- REPEAL Gay Rights Earlier Nuked Repeal Attempt
- Repeal "Gay Rights" NSO Telegram Campaign/Proposal Discussion
- UN Timeline
- Index of UN Resolutions
|Omigodtheykilledkenny and the United Nations|
|Administration and Policies: Department of State | Mission to the United Nations | Voting Record | Creative Solutions Agency | Kennypoll™|
|Mission Staff: Susa Batko-Yovino | Jenny Chiang | Sammy Faisano | Alex Tehrani | Jessie McArthur | George Brown | Jack Riley | Surly the Repealinator|
|Sponsored Legislation: Repeal "Protection of Dolphins Act" | Repeal "Fossil Fuel Reduction Act" | Repeal "Gay Rights" | Abortion Legality Convention | Unconventional Arms Accord | Prohibition of UN Military | Repeal "Mutual Recognition of Borders" | Accessible Family Planning | Repeal "SPCC Regulation Act" | Repeal "Max Barry Day"|