Professor the Lord Clamp of Lemona
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The economics genius behind Grahamonomics.
Biography
Clamp had a difficult childhood. From the deepest darkest bowels of the heart of England, he learned to deal with the problems that life threw at him from a very early age. By 2, he had managed to learn how to fry the perfect cooked breakfast, much to the surprise of his family.
Once this had been discovered, they chucked him out on the streets to fend for himself with nothing more than a frying pan, an oven dish and his favourite recipe for Mediterranean Shepherd's Pie for company. There he learned about the harsh realities of life, including how to live on a shoestring. He began to rely entirely on public transport for his shelter and there he earned a living by entertaining the commuting masses with his witty repartee and enchanting anecdotes about how he had the greatest things, when it was quite clear from his appearance that he had nought. Little did he know it, but these experiences of his joys of trains, planes and omnibuses were later to become the essential ingredients of his Unified Theory of Grahamonomics.
Jumping from train to train, and bus to bus became second nature to him. He knew how to avoid those damn ticket inspectors, and realised ultimately that it would be much better to all if no one ever had to pay anything to travel on any form of public transport.
By the age of 18, he eventually stumbled upon a gentleman who took pity on him. He gave him some application forms for student loans, and told him that he could make a lot of money to get out of his rut by studying economics - The False Science.
Clamp immediately packed his bags - and there were many after 16 years of hoarding pizza boxes - and set course for University. Armed with £4,000, he worked hard to achieve his BA in Economic Management.
The Professor was an instant hit at University, making several hundred friends in the first few weeks. It was here that he first began to work upon the principles of Grahamonomics. Although in the first few years he made a couple of basic errors by forgetting to pay his accomodation, and wasting money on food that was never eaten, he chalked it all up to experience: which only made his final theories even more remarkable and original for one so young.
On publication of his PhD. thesis, the world was taken by storm. Clamp became an instant hit overnight, and appeared on many television programmes. He was immediately given a peerage by the Induced Capitalism government who didn't miss an opportunity to get some easy populist votes. The peerage was bestowed on the learned Professor as a result of his excellent work and research which contributed towards the capital city of Induced Capitalism, Lemona. Clamp was noted for his contributions by the Viceroy, who decided that the national animal of the country should be named after him.
In recent times his life had been a more tragic story. After being awarded a Professorship by Induced Capitalism, he retreated into his shell and became a hermit. It was also rumoured that he had learned how to drive, putting an enormous questionmark over his commitment to the principles of his own theories.
The last work he had published in an academic journal was "The Separation of Powers: How Milk Divides Into Cream and Water If Left Long Enough". It was roundly condemned by most in the field of biology as "stating the bleeding obvious", while leaving most economics academics to be astonished that Clamp has decided to start writing articles in fields he is not traditionally associated with.
Clamp then startled the world by appearing on Channel 4's "Too Posh To Wash". Observers at the time noted that it was possible that Clamp is suffering from a mental disorder of some kind.
However, in more recent times he has been suddenly discovered by the President of Wharf Springs, President Edward Bernard who has bestowed a membership of his Cabinet upon Clamp. Clamp is now working hard with the President to put in place some of the most radical economic policies since Hitler built all those autobahns in Germany. We should not be surprised at this remarkable turnaround since Clamp has shown time and again, confounding critics along the way, that his resilience, strength of character and flexibility is second-to-none.
Quotes
"Febreze it!"
"<squeaky laugh>"
"Hame!"
