Zwangzug national football team

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The Zwangzug national football team began international competition in the Baptism of Fire for World Cup 33, won the twenty-fifth Cup of Harmony, and has qualified for all World Cups since. Along the way to a fourth-place finish in World Cup 36, it became the first team to beat Bettia in the knockout stages but fail to win the tournament, and won the inaugural Golden Haddock award. It then took fourth in World Cup 37 as well. Essentially consisting of "whoever shows up" (athletics are not priorities in Zwangzug, though recent success has inspired the nation to take interest once in a while, which could not have been foreseen), and theoretically overseen by the Zwangzug Athletics Organization, it practices high in the Rackham Range (though the stadium is a bit lower than the training grounds) and flies, when not having one of its many airport fiascos, by Isolani Airlines. Due to training in the high altitude, the players have high endurance at relatively high-oxygenated stadia closer to sea level. They have also played home games in the Palloci Pagoda, but this is relatively rare.

Starting Roster

Statistics are through World Cup 37. Goal totals include friendly games for the national team, but do not include games played with club teams or "kicks from the penalty mark" to decide matches. The team has only gone through one of the latter and isn't particularly interested in repeating. Nevertheless, should such a situation arise, the order of shooters would be Olson, Barons, Barnes, Vanderpent, and Card, followed if necessary by Stings, Ruck, Deguela, Faustino, Hanson, and Lauren.

Zwangzug's players age approximately two years with the passing of every World Cup, but any effect it has on the level of technology in the country or how the year is reckoned in binary time is negligible.

  • #4, Philip Stings, right forward. The shortest player on the team, but also one of the fastest. Very "street-smart", having acquired a savvy from his hometown that still leads him to get physical quickly. 58 career goals.
  • #1, Simon Ryne Olson, center forward. From Merano. Show-off, arrogant...but with the talent to back it up, Simon Ryne plays for Marienburg United in St Samuel. 74 career goals, including 3 hat tricks. He was named one of the "Best XXIII" players in World Cup 36.
  • #3, Peter Vanderpent, left forward. A very "visual thinker", aware of the correct location to be even when he can't get there, Peter joined the team before World Cup 37. 14 career goals.
Midfielder Jacob Barons became the captain for World Cup 36.
  • #13, Steven Ruck, right offensive midfielder. Younger brother of Ulysses Stael: constantly felt like he's in the other's shadow, though a talented player in his own right. (Steven took the surname of his mother's second husband.) With Ulysses' retirement, the brothers are on better terms. 3 career goals.
  • #54, Jacob Barons, left offensive midfielder. Notably outgoing as a Ketrian: unfortunately, few have seen much beyond that. However, his steady and capable play earned him the team captaincy beginning World Cup 36. 9 career goals.
  • #11, Eddie Barnes, left defensive midfielder. Having watched football as a child in Arlington, Eddie joined before World Cup 35 expecting national excitement very different from Zwangzug's reality. He is the older brother of the team's official oboist, and a "big-game" player, at his best against big-name opponents. Eddie plays for Dunboor F. C. in the Cafundéu first division as an offensive midfielder, wearing #10, and was named one of the Best XXIII in World Cup 36.
  • #10, Brendan Deguela, central midfielder. Brendan joined the team at the beginning of World Cup 37, but didn't break into the starting lineup until World Cup 38. He hopes to bring new energy to the central midfield, especially by covering more "lateral" ground. All-around, he is one of the most athletic on the team.
  • #6, Ursula Lauren, right defensive midfielder. The first female to break into the starting lineup, which she did in World Cup 38 after joining in World Cup 37, Ursula could in fact care less, contrary to popular opinion. The only reason she cares, however, is because she will very angrily snap at anyone who tries to harp on it as a big deal.
  • #46, Andrew Card, right defender. A moody "strategic rule-breaker", but concerned for others when he needs to be. Andrew plays for Joseon in the Daehanjeiguk national football league. 1 career goal.
  • #9, Mal Faustino, left defender. Joining the team before World Cup 36, he is a quiet but focused player. Mal plays for A. F. F. in Cafundéu. 1 career goal.
  • #44, Bartholomew Hanson, center defender. He also joined the team before World Cup 36. At first glance, he might seem to be an exceptionally tall child, but he is older and more mature than his appearance would indicate, and his height is a welcome addition to the defense. He was named to the Best XXIII of World Cup 36.

Other personnel

Substitutes

Anne Onymous, who wore all the untaken integers from 1 to 11, was the sole substitute from World Cups 33 through 36, after which she retired. Equally versatile as a forward, midfielder, or defender, she was able to play in multiple incarnations (she originally ranged up to 99, but it was decided that if she was needed more than nine times, there would be more concerns than she could deal with).

Following World Cup 36, however, unprecedented popularity meant that the team could include many more players. The following joined and remain on the bench: Gary Maini (forward, #5), Natalie Instonenext (defender, #7), Bethany Kieschnick (defender, #8), Ian Felsenfeld (forward, #14), Evan Terwilliger (midfielder, #15), Claude Seu (midfielder, #16), Jesse Arneson (defender, #17), Cameron Beyer (defender, #18), and Preston Liebersbach (forward, #20). Kayla McGee, #19, retired after World Cup 37.

Of these, Maini and Instonenext are generally considered the best and most likely to play. (Maini is the only substitute that has scored, with four career goals). All, however, are slightly more defensively-oriented than their starting counterparts: regardless of position, fewer goals will be scored and conceded when more of the substitutes are in. Seu is notable for his Ariddian ancestry. Three more players will join for World Cup 38.

Coach

The native Bigtopian and former refugee Doodypants Mcgimpy became coach beginning for World Cup 36. Previously, the coach had been BOB 64, a product of the Artificial Intelligence University. "BOB" was sometimes jokingly said to stand for "Bought Out By" (presumably the number 64, as advertisements are forbidden in the country). An emotionless computer, unpopular among most of the team. Following a reprogramming by a Hurdist disguised as a Rejistani fan (with significant assistance from Lawrence Sevvy), BOB spewed support for open-source software. These "malfunctions" led to its replacement.

Media

Alan Babbage and Charles Turing cover the team for Zwangzug Broadcasting. An oboist also travels with the team to perform Zwangzug's Anthem (replacing her older sister, the saxophonist, who left the team around the beginning of World Cup 38). While all three of the country's leading newspapers cover it to some degree, not all have correspondents with the team: there is little financial support from the government, also evidenced by the fact that the players had to sleep two to a room, a practice mercifully abandoned after World Cup 36.

Retired starters

  • Ulysses Stael wore number 31, played as a midfielder, and retired after World Cup 34. He is the older brother of Steven Ruck, and would have had a long and talented career if Zwangzug had fielded a football team earlier. Ulysses was at one point in negotiations to play for a domestic team in St Samuel: it is unknown if those came to fruition.
  • Lawrence Sevvy wore number 69, played as a defender, and retired after World Cup 35. He originally hailed from the city of Bassabook. Known for his off-the-field affairs more than anything else, he disliked BOB more than most. His crowing achievement was the eviction of BOB as coach: following that, anything else would have felt anticlimactic.
  • Rube Tercer wore number 27, played as a defender, and was the team's first captain until his retirement after World Cup 35. Strategically minded, coming up with creative formations BOB often overlooks, Rube's smiling face is the one any team would want to present to the media. Eloquent and kind to teammate and opponent alike, his idealistic attitudes became fairly nauseating to a great deal of the team.
  • Yul Maughum wore number 12, played as a forward, and retired after World Cup 36, having scored 32 career goals. A large, lumbering man, with more power than aim in his shots, he set up many goals for fellow Bangkok native Phillip Stings.
  • Roger Hammers wore number 50, played as a midfielder, and retired after World Cup 37. Hailing from Merano, he was usually in the center right-left as well as forward-back, which was difficult in a 3-4-3: such movement away from the center eventually forced him to admit that he had as many unique quirks as anybody else (perfect pitch, for one), because if he was truly average, that would be exceptionally strange. (It made sense that late at night.) Roger played for Seojang in Daehanjeiguk, where he became the first foreigner to score a hat trick.
  • Timothy Nexus wore number 2, played as a midfielder, and retired after World Cup 37. He came from 102d by way of the AIU, and was formerly only known as "the techie", assisting BOB when the nature of fractal reality interfered with wireless communication, Timothy joined the team before World Cup 35. He was fueled mainly by a seemingly endless supply of caffeine.

Colors

The home jerseys for the Zwangzug team are white with black stripes. The away jerseys are black with white stripes.

Style

Stylistically, the team played a defensive 3-4-3 through World Cup 34. Though this could have been seen as oxymoronic by other countries, the team believed it to be a moderate formation, with as many forwards as defenders. This symmetry was taken to a new level when it adopted the 3-2-1-2-3: it played with an attacking style for one cup as it made the transition, but has been neutral since.

Performance by event

  • Baptism of Fire 20: 1-0-5 in group play, eliminated in regional semifinals
  • World Cup 33 qualifiers: 9-4-5 in group play
  • Cup of Harmony 25: champions
  • World Cup 34 qualifiers: 7-1-4 in group play
  • World Cup 34 proper: 1-1-1 in group play
  • World Cup 35 qualifiers: 6-1-3 in group play, advanced through playoffs
  • World Cup 35 proper: 1-1-1 in group play
  • World Cup 36 qualifiers: 9-2-3 in group play, advanced through playoffs
  • World Cup 36 proper: fourth place
  • World Cup 37 qualifiers: 12-1-1 in group play
  • World Cup 37 proper: fourth place


National football teams
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