Alex Tehrani
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Alex Tehrani is the secretary of state of the Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny. Persian by blood, he is the first Muslim to hold his office, where, aside from directing the administration's foreign policy (including the nation's dealings with the United Nations), Tehrani remains President Manuelo Fernanda's closest adviser, confidant and political ally. The president's utmost confidence in him has served him well in his dealings with foreign leaders, as well as his attempts to temper Defense Secretary Charlie Valentine's insatiable warmongering.
A native of Paradise City, Tehrani graduated from Cartman College in 1994 with a B.A. in physics, only to discover later how utterly useless his degree was and begin to pursue other career fields. He alternately worked as assistant manager at a McDonald's, a sailor, Abercrombie & Fitch model, male stripper, back-up dancer for Jennifer Lopez, and male gigolo. Rumors also persist that during this period, Tehrani starred in a porno or two. In an effort to establish himself in an industry without obvious gay overtones, Tehrani took a job as a Playboy photographer and international sports reporter, finding time between shoots and assignments to moonlight as an Xtreme Sports afficionado, NASCAR driver, trapeeze artist, mall Santa, star defender for Omigodtheykilledkenny's spectacularly awful soccer team, and foreign jihadist.
It was during a 1998 shoot at the Playboy Mansion that Tehrani met Fernanda, then a professional boxer. He took the fall for the future president when, after the shoot, Hugh Hefner demanded to know who had stolen his weed and his Mercedes Benz to party with a bunch of his girlfriends. Tehrani won Fernanda's respect that night, and years later, when one of those girls turned up with a little Mexican son, a paternity suit and some cock-a-mamey story about getting knocked up by some boxer in the backseat of Hef's Mercedes, Tehrani as secretary of state would have her exiled to Palixia, because that's the kind of friend he is.
In 1999, while accepting an award for sportsmanship from the king of Siabsolam, whose soccer team had torched the Federal Republic's just the day before, the king, amused at some of Tehrani's past career choices, made so many terrible gay jokes at the Kennyite soccer player's expense that he finally hauled off and popped the good king right on the nose. Fernanda hired him as his foreign-affairs adviser the next day.
During the 2005 presidential campaign, Tehrani and Fernanda found themselves throwing back a few over a game of cards with The Palentine's Emperor Captain Spaulding I and Sen. Horatio Sulla. Fernanda dared Tehrani to streak a ladies' society luncheon to be held the next day in his opponent's wife's honor, and was so convinced Tehrani would not do it, he told him he'd make him secretary of state if he did. Tehrani asked the president if they shouldn't be strategizing for the campaign just then, but Fernanda said no, "we'll just smear my opponent's war record and call him unpatriotic. Now are you gonna streak Mrs. Thorne's dinner or not?" A side order of chelow kabab the dining society ladies weren't expecting and 500 horrified gasps later, Tehrani got the job.
Tehrani is considered a top prospect for the presidential race to succeed Fernanda in 2010. He also dislikes sushi.
