BloodyDays Incorporated
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Mission Statement
Throughout history, some of the best tools of our daily lives originated from tools originally withheld by the government for military use. BloodyDays Incorporated has reversed this historical trend, with the belief that if it's good enough for supporting a person, it's even better for destroying them.
In the Beginning...
The BloodyDays corporation was founded right after the Clowno-Janeroso war by a young graduate of the Saint ShmickleMickle University of Abusive Business Management and Other Careers Involving Nail-Guns known as Boddie Odore. He saw the amazing potential of military science, but sought a new approach that would allow the common man to understand his glorious national legions, and one that would allow him to test weapons in his parents' basement.
The result of his ambitions was his first prototype weapon. The Model No. 1 Series 1 BreadBox-238 Semi-Automatic Carbohydrate-Based Projectile Delivery System; nicknamed the Toast-Battery. It was assembled primarily from the designs of a 2-slot toaster oven, a simple metal frame for side-arm and back handling, a Game-Boy camera for up to the minute magnification and surveillance, and a Uranium-238 fueled Nuclear Turbine to generate the power of this propulsion.
He patented it under the label of Cookumbury Corporation, the name of his mentor in college. After patenting, he noticed the inconvenience of selling it in convenience stores, as it was so big it would block the porno on the shelves. Instead, he decided to attempt selling it to the military.
However, the Vengeful Clowns military soon rejected the purchase of this design claiming that the only way to effectively fire the gun would be through the use of an english muffin, which has not yet seen an advance that would allow it to maintain an effective firing range beyond 150 yards.
Soon after, Odore died of radiation poisoning for unknown reasons, and he was succeeded by his college-roommate who never did anything but eat pizza and play game boy during his 4 years, Mork CooCooCaChoo.
CooCooCaChoo was disgusted with his partner's failures to grasp the realities of the competitive swim-or-sink business world. He immediately discarded the old doctrines of the one man corporation and came up with an entirely new strategy. Rather than creating ridiculous weapons straight from household products using questionably obtained multi-billion hammer implements, he would first suck his clients off, sell his family into slavery, and then draft a weapon made of household products and questionably obtained multi-billion hammer implements.
The strategy however, also miserably failed. Upon asking his father, he had both of his legs broken and was thrown out of his house, and then upon asking his sister, he realized that he didn't have one and that he was looking in a mirror at himself in a wig.
Set back but not discouraged, he immediately got to work on his next device. In his next work, he put together a tiny power-wheels car (as he couldn't afford a real car), many slide projectors, Odore's gay porno stash, Odore's stereo system, and a CD of the leader of Janerosis singing to create the a completely new tool for reconnaisance. It inovolved all of these items stacked onto the car, to make it look like a giant garbage dump, thus concealing itself to enemies. However, he realized that if it were discovered, it had no means of defense.
To solve this problem, he put a 50-megawatt hydrogen bomb inside as a last-ditch defense in case the car were compromised. He dubbed the machine, The Car with Random Pieces of Crap Dumped On It. When he showed the CRPCDOI, it was once again rejected. Not only had he not given his offer "100 percent", but the car itself was so crammed, that there would be no room to put dice in the mirror, the standard insignia of mechanized units. However, the government was intrigued by the hydrogen bomb inside, and were interested in finding a way to transport these heavy explosives without the danger of slow-flying bombers that could easily be shot down by flak.
Mork quickly went home and watched enough porno so he couldn't walk, before quickly diving into his next project. This new weapon was to transport hydrogen bombs to enemy territory without detection. He quickly created the first prototype of the Big-Nut. It consisted of a suction cup attatched to a string that hung an acorn. He attatched this, and a 50-megawatt hydrogen bomb to a squirrel's skull and back. Unfortunately, the squirrel was pressed to death by the massive weight of the weapons.
Shocked at this technical distance, he refused to believe the squirrel was structually insufficient, and tested it on 30 more squirrels, watching them all die the same way. He thought for long weeks, until he realized another way around the problem. He instead decided to use 1000 simoltaneous squirrels. Unfortunately, the first results were that he was bitten be each and every one and they all ran after the acorns on their head. He eventually realized that squirrels did not possess the intelligence or the strength to carry these massive bombs.
Taking a rest from this project, he sought to create a hand-to-hand weapon. He took an ordinary cheese grater and attatched a strap that goes around the holder's hand. He quickly rushed to the Vengeful Clowns military technology office and showed up. Doubtful, they all turned him away, asking him what he could possibly make that was deadly enough to be useful. In response, he turned to the man that made the remark, and quickly rubbed the grater against his cheek. Scraping the flesh off of half of his face and causing him to writhe in pain on the floor, he was applauded by the staff, and given a 50 billion hammer grant to create weapons.
However, the generals did not like the name Cookumbery Corporation. Instead, they asked him to come up with something more "hip" for the "urban cultures of today's customers". Complying, he christined the company as none other than "BloodyDays Incorporated"
What can BloodyDays do for you?
Today, people all around Woe Unto Us buy their latest and trendiest in anti-personnel and anti-vehicle weapons from BloodyDays Inc. Currently, BloodyDays Inc. is releasing their newest line for the summer. The summer weapons include the family camper's pack, equipped with a nalgene bottle full of cyanide, and a tent that launches into outer space and fires missiles on the targets below.
