Dr. Zaalarian

The childhood of Dr. Zaalarian, who was once known as Glerble, was a journey of discovery that frightened his neigbhoors into at least one swoon per day, up to three for the dainty ladies. It starts with his parents, who planted the seeds of Glerble Zaalarians madness by abandoning early in his life. It also didn't help that they named him something so obviously mockable as Glerble. It is readily assumed by most historians that his parents most definitely hated him. I mean Glerble? Anyone with a name like that is so obviously screwed from the beginning.

Thus Glerble was forced to live with his Aunt Norma and give her daily foot rubs on feet that could kill an elk with their stench. The only way Glerble was able to survive that ordeal was by stuffing his nose with onions. However, he frequently escaped the house by putting Aunt Norma's socks up to her nose and knocking her out with her own stench.

In his little town of Recluse He preformed daily disections on any manner of beast he could trap. Catepillars, mice, squirrels, roosters, and Speedy Gonzalez's cousin, lethargic McGee. He also strung up his unfortunate victims and developed a cadaver-manaquin show. Tormented and ostracized by his fellow schoolmates for his outlandish behavior and bizzare name, Glerble became steadily more and more isolated from his surrondings.

As the years went on, Glerble Zaalarian became taller, gangly, and vampiricaly pale. He aspired to create great things to show the world that the work he had done and was continuing to do would cause great positive changes. He toiled and slaved in Aunt Norma's old, decrepid, and still quite pungent shell of a home(She had been taken away years ago for creating a toxic environment in the town), creating wonders that could benefit the world many times over. A cure for AIDS, ultra-smart prosthetic limbs; he even managed to perfect a cloning technique to provide much needed organs. These inventions were all in vain as the fearful and ignorant people of the town labeled them as the tools of Satan and called him Mad Dr. Zaalarian.

Resentment for all who dwelled in the town boiled within Dr. Zaalarian and his dreams started to become filled with images of town-dwellers being tortured......and unicorns. Then one day, he saw the most beatiful women in the world coming to his ramshackle ruin of a home. The woman had heard all the stories of Mad Dr. Zaalarian, but she believed that he was just a person who desired someone to understand him.

In time the woman, Sinestra, gained Dr. Zaalarian's trust and his affection. Dr. Zaalarian found himself in a state of complete bliss, comparable only to to the time he had had chili dogs and really had to go to the bat....but that's a story for a different day. He no longer felt the compulsions and urges to maim and punish the townspeople. In two years Dr. Zaalarian and Sinestra were married and appeared to have a bright future ahead of them.

Dr. Zaalarian still spent a good portion of his time slaving away in his laboratory, creating what the villagers assumed to be abominations to nature and their God, though now he also desired to be in the company of his beautiful and understanding wife. He also yearned for a child to nurture and graft an extra mechanical arm on each shoulder(what? I'd want two extra mechanical arms). Little did Dr. Zaalarian realize that the townspeople had already set events in motion to shatter the happy existance he had so briefly known.

They had convened a town meeting with the three elders(a position which was attained by being able to count past six) and declared him to be the instrument of evil. There were also many shouts of "think of the children", though this was mostly because they had consumed all the alcohol in the hall. Fortunately they had drunken just enough to pass out and allow me to move on with the story. The townspeople quickly requested that the elders form an angry mob. The size of the mob that night has never been known, for even the elders could not penetrate the boundaries of the number eleven, but the night was filled with the light of torches.

As the townspeople came upon Dr. Zaalarians house, they heard moaning. "What is that noise?" They questioned among themselves. They listened for a few more minutes. "It sounds like they're...you know...workin it" One of the more knowledgable townspeople suggested. The other villagers were clueless.

"The no-pants dance." The savvy townsperson offered. The other townspeople might have as well been rocks.

"Sex." He finally stated bluntly. "Hehehe. He said sex." The other townspeople twittered like brain-dead birds. The townspeople were still curious about what exactly was going on and decided they needed a closer look. They then formed a human pyramid outside so at least one of them could look inside and describe the action to the others. The order was quickly decided by those being kicked in the groin collapsing, then having others climb on them, get kicked in the groin, and so on until one townsperson was high enough to see in the window.

"Hey Zaalarian has a pretty well toned and defined ass." The townspeople then realized that Homo McManlover had somehow made it to the top of the pile.

"Damnit McManlover, we don't want to hear about Glerble naked." They then quickly decided to scratch that idea in favor of charging in....which they did, though they waited about twenty minutes. They may have been a mob, but they respected a man's need to get some.

As the townspeople poured into Dr. Zaalarian's home they called for him and his wife to come down, or they would come up. Dr. Zaalarian realized that they had no choice, but to descend and hoped that he could subdue the enraged masses. He didn't realize the extent of the townspeoples fears.

Before Dr. Zaalarian could even speak they thrust him aside and seized Sinestra.

"Glerbie!" Sinestra exclaimed.

"What are you doing!?" he cried alarmedly.

"Mad Dr. Zaalarian, for creating devices in mockery of God, we are going to kill your wife by baking her into a giant pie! This will show you that there are consequences for endangering the lives of us townspeople!" The chief elder explained.

"NO!" Zaalarian exclaimed as he charged the chief. He was quickly restrained by the mob and tied up. He was then forced to observe the townspeople bake his wife in the giant pie crust they had previously been prepared. The townspeople released him afterwards to return to his hovel.

His whole world shattered, Dr. Zaalarian's urges to destroy, maim, and torture returned to him. They became his all consuming reason for living. It also created in him the need to bake a pie every year on this date. He would never eat it, just look at it in tortured remembrance. Dr. Zaalarian was having trouble coming up with plans to exact revenge, for he was understandably at least half-crazy. One day he saw it on the cover of Junior Mad Scientist Monthly that had from his younger years. It was a waffle iron that shot waffles back at the one who put them in. It wasn't much, but Dr. Zaalarian saw potential.