Difference between revisions of "Manuelo Fernanda"

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Manuelo Fernanda
Nickname "The Destructor from Del Fuego, Mexico" Nation Omigodtheykilledkenny Title President of the Federal Republic Previous occupations Professional boxer; reality TV star

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Manuelo Fernanda, aka "the Destructor from Del Fuego, Mexico," is the charismatic president of the Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny. Formerly known for boxing, the middlewieght earned his fame on South Park, when he got in the ring with Hong Kong singer Wing and beat the hell out of her [1]. A native of Paradise City or Del Fuego, depending on the biography, he was elected president on the God-fearing, Freedom-loving Conservative Patriot Party ticket in 2005. The first Latino, Roman Catholic and at 33 the youngest man ever elected president, Fernanda has developed a reputation as something of an international playboy and womanizer while in office, mostly going for women world leaders and diplomats, and his administration has been notorious for a cavalier disregard for the sentiments of the international community (Fernanda holds the record for most rogue nations invaded in a single term), and a certain disdain for the United Nations.

Boxing Career

Fernanda, born and raised in a Spanish ghetto in Paradise City, has been boxing since he was 16, when kids used to tease him about his muscles. Having been expelled from six consecutive high schools for pulverizing his tormenters in the student body, his mother finally suggested that he channel his rage into a sport. Fernanda liked the idea, but his foray into figure skating didn't take. Despondant and unsure of what to do with his life after school, a friend told him, "You know, you have a pretty good right hook; why don't you go into boxing?" Fernanda immediately clobbered him for not also mentioning his magnificent uppercut punch.

Following the friend's funeral, Fernanda decided to honor him and follow his advice. After graduation, he joined an amateur boxing league and enrolled as a health-science major at Our Lady of Perpetual Belligerence College in nearby Basin City, where he was first suspended over a fraternity prank involving streaking a sorority fundraiser, an impromptu wet T-shirt contest and some scandalous Polaroids; then expelled for seducing his history teacher, who also happened to be a nun -- an offense for which Fernanda also faced excommunication, but he somehow got out of it by convincing The Vatican that the nun was a total skank.

Professional Boxer

Fernanda -- aside from having an annoying habit of showing up at his colleague's matches to taunt them and pelt them with candy and peanuts -- is undefeated as a professional, having won two world titles with the W.B.A. and the I.B.F. and competed 37 times (scoring a total 25 KOs) in three different weight divisions -- defeating in the course of his career three former and then-world champions, including Oscar de la Hoya; a mutant cyborg; a genetically engineered warrior penguin; an insolent horse, and Rosie O'Donnell. Mike Tyson also tried to pick a fight with him one night at a club in Los Angeles, but, valuing his ears, he wisely chose to run away like a bitch.

Fernanda triumphantly returned to the ring in 2005 as a guest contestant on Sylvester Stallone's "The Contender."

Fernanda-Thorne Rivalry

When McCormick Ice Shelf Sen. John Thorne denounced the adult-film industry in a 1995 speech on the floor of the Federal Senate, Fernanda became incensed and immediately fired off an angry letter to the senator containing numerous threats and insults, a challenge to meet him outside the Capitol Building after dark, and the immortal words, "Hey bitch! Don't take away my porn!" Thorne responded with a form letter, an inpardonable transgression in the eyes of Fernanda, who up till then had always faced off with his opponents in person and one-on-one.

He began to pursue Thorne, showing up outside his offices in Paradise City and his home state, but when staffers there refused to allow him to see the senator, Fernanda held vigils outside the Paradise City office and began to show up at Thorne political events all over the country, winning widespread media attention for himself. Michael Moore even filmed much of the protest, later incorporating the footage into a documentary entitled "Fernanda vs. Thorne: Capital Smackdown."

Fernanda was heckling the senator at a speech in Stan Marsh Islands when Thorne finally decided to start yelling back at his pursuer. The two got into a heated exchange, until Fernanda shouted: "Yo bitch! Why don't you bring your fucking bitch attitude to the ring?!" "The boorish malcontent has a point," responded Thorne thoughtfully. "Damn fucking right!" Fernanda shot back.

2005 Election

The next day Thorne threw his hat in the ring, announcing his candidacy for president, prompting Fernanda to write the senator: "I meant the boxing ring, retard!" With Thorne now under Secret Service protection, and Fernanda completely blocked from any personal access to him, the boxer had no choice but to announce his own candidacy as a Conservative.

The race was extremely tight, with most polls showing a dead heat throughout. The candidates sparred heavily on foreign affairs, with Thorne promising to "apply internationally recognized standards of law established in UN resolutions and international agreements and treaties." Replied Fernanda: "Who the fuck cares what the UN thinks?!" In their first televised debate, Fernanda continually taunted Thorne with verbal insults and foul comments about his mother, and pelted him with spitballs throughout.

2005 Presidential Election Results

Additional Material

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