Timothy Head
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Timothy Head was the 2nd President of Wharf Springs. Taking office in §40 after defeating Legendary 1st President Habeas Corpus, he was always going to have a very tough act to follow. Nevertheless, Timothy Head is fondly remembered by Wharf Springians for his hard working and tireless demeanour.
Contents
Biography
Born §-8 - Died §83
Timothy Head was technically an immigrant to Wharf Springs like the other 5 million citizens who founded the nation in 1947. He was just 3 years old when his family were selected to be part of the mass emmigration to the new lands of Wharf Springs. Yet, most children who were under the age of 10 at the time are often considered by population scientists as 1st Generation Wharf Springians.
Childhood
Head had a difficult childhood, mainly due to the fact that he and his peers went through several experiments with the newly founded education system of Wharf Springs until the government finally settled on the best way to educate children. In one particularly memorable year, Head suffered at the hands of 48 different teachers, all attempting to teach him the subtle science involved in the art of philately. The constant toing and froing of the educational establishment meant that Head remained in school for §38 years, largely due to his failure to achieve anything above a Z-- for stamp collection. Eventually, having called in the finest tutors money could buy (which was illegal under Wharf Springs law at the time), he was able to tell the difference between a penny farthing and a penny black. Historians believe that his inability to tell the difference between an Old Skool bicycle and a Victorian stamp should have precluded him from rising to the office of President, but stranger things have happened (see Florida 2000).
A Political Star Is Born
On finally leaving school in §30, Head was a very vindictive man. Feeling horrendously let down by the fact that he had wasted many years of his life in school due to the poor political system, and appalled by the fact that incumbent president Habeas Corpus had been in office for an extremely long length of time for a so called "liberal" country, Head decided to return to his constituencies and Prepare For Government. With just a few hundred coffee jars (the local currency) to his name, Head formed a Presidential Election Committee to challenge Corpus in the election of §32. It soon became apparent, however, that unless Head further improved his philately skill - something considered vital to have a decent existence in Wharf Springs - then Corpus, a Legendary philanderer philateler, would expose Head's ignorance in live television presidential debates and completely destroy his chances of winning.
With that in mind, Head quietly withdrew from the §32 contest, and spent the next four years working hard to make himself look less of a complete pillock. He formulated complete political theories that were shockingly liberal in comparison to Corpus' centrism, and sharpened his skills so that he was eventually a ruthless stamp-identifying machine. Rumours that he had a wire feeding him answers in the 3rd Presidential Debate of §36, in which Corpus produced an enormous archive of stamps from behind his ears, challenging Head to identify them, have persisted since Head's 100% success rate with his responses were deemed "super-humam" by experts. Head always insisted that the lump in the back of his jacket, photographed by journalists, was merely a result of a prominent hunch in his back which emerges when he is in stressful situations as a result of him sitting at small, badly designed tables and desks during his enormous school career, but he found it harder to explain the apparent earpiece in his ear. His excuse was his ear had suddenly became deformed due to "cauliflower ear" syndrome suffered by rugby players, but his medical records released after his death showed that he was allergic to the material used in rugby balls. The mystery remains unsolved.
Head narrowly failed to win the election of §36, but he did manage to push Corpus into a 2nd ballot for the first time in his career. He refused to accept that the nation didn't want him, and so four §'s later, in §40, Head came back for another go at Corpus. This time he had a landmark to defeat. Corpus wanted to be endorsed for the 10th time by the electorate, but Head managed to use this to his advantage by getting people to rally around stopping this signficant milestone from occuring. Head's slogan, "Corpses Shouldn't Be Left Unburied!" (a reference to Habeas Corpus' nickname "The Corpse") for the election turned out to be remarkably popular, and finally he sealed victory in the 2nd round of the presidential election.
The Second President
Head's ultra-liberal ways informed his entire presidency. His first act was to place a three-term limit on all Presidents of Wharf Springs from this point on in order to stop "elected dictatorships" as he called them. This key legacy is still felt to this day in the country.
Given his experiences in the education system, it is hardly surprising that Head made it one of the priorities of his government. The irony was that Head's resentment of the way he was taught led to him to inflict changes year after year on the curriculum, and one of the most controversial was his removal of philately from the school syllabus.
during his Casserole Dish phase
One of his other remarkable achivements was the institution of a new department within the Ministry of Rehabilitation of Criminals codenamed "MURDERERS ARE PEOPLE TOO". This extraordinary experiment with convicted murderers, turning them back into decent members of society was declared an amazing success given that no less than five future presidents of Wharf Springs and countless MPs and Senators came through the programme and paid back their debt to society by working hard on behalf of their electorate. The programme is still in operation today and it is often met with derision from more right-wing nations, who like to quip that Wharf Spring's government has more murderers in it than Wormwood Scrubs.
Head is largely credited by many for bringing stability to the country when it needed it the most. By the time Head took over, the country was beginning to corrupt itself from within due to the fact that the government or the country had barely changed in decades. During his 12 §'s in office, including two more elections he won convincingly, Head set the country on a path to true liberal democracy, turning what had become a nepotistic state into an open and transparent system.
Post-Political Life
Head left office in §52, and lived for another 31 §'s. He published a book called "My Mum Doesn't Use A Bowl To Cut My Hair Any More" shortly after retiring from office and retraining to become a barber. He worked hard to bring fashion and style to Wharf Springs for many years, and was voted Wharf Spring's most eligible batchelor six §'s in a row. Yet, people still wonder if the fashion magazine editors at the time were giving this award in sarcasm, since they relentlessly referred to Head's triangular facial features as "the ultimate sex symbol" despite them clearly being anything but. Many people have commented that the three-cornered nature of his face was the reason why he never married or had children, and that the magazine editors were in fact getting revenge for being forced to operate CCTV cameras during their youth, caught up by Head's policy of the Burberry Ban.
Quotes
"A large casserole dish produces the best shaped hair when cut around. Fruit bowls are just wrong."
"Reformed murderers make the best MPs. They understand that public policy is in their hands, and if they make a mistake their idiocy could consign many people to death. And they wouldn't want that to happen. Would they?"
| The Presidents of Wharf Springs Series | ||
| Preceded by: Habeas Corpus |
2nd President of Wharf Springs | Succeeded by: Richard Tatorial |
| Preceded by: Habeas Corpus |
2nd Independent Party President | Succeeded by: Richard Tatorial |
