Difference between revisions of "Moltan Bausch"

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Moltan Bausch
Nationality Gruenberger Politics Conservative; sovereigntist Dislikes Human rights; animal rights; workers' rights; 'lefties' Likes Repeals

Moltan Bausch is the Ambassador to the United Nations for the Sultanate of Gruenberg, and heads the Gruenberger Office of UN Affairs. He has held the office ever since Gruenberg's re-entry into the UN following the defeat of the Transgender Equality Act.

A staunch conservative, he has become an increasingly dogmatic proponent of the principle of national sovereignty, a source of some criticism. He is known for his abject lack of a sense of humour, quasi-fetishistic obsession with The Law of the Sea, and avowed hatred of environmental legislation. And dolphins.

Biography

Moltanus Keinhart Bausch was born in The 688th Year in Kemf Waaschtechen, a small mining town in Stammerslab. He was the first of four children of Eisodor and Krakalopowot Bausch, wealthy textile merchants. From an early age it was clear that he would be suited to a career in the Gruenberger diplomatic corps: he was expelled from the exclusive Raasbeh Academy For Little Lords at age eight for stabbing a classmate in the neck with a wooden sword. He went on to attend the prestigious Wellen School. A popular and outspoken pupil, he was promoted to Cadet Warrant Officer and senior student NCO in the school cadet force. He instituted the now famous 'Wena's Day Parade', on which the entire corps would complete a solemn three hour procession around the quad before going on a violent rampage through the local town. He also had his first experience of rhetoric when he was forced to explain trading the debate team's minibus for a month's supply of frozen yogurt. His time at the University of Flurthwel was undistinguished academically — originally registered to read Political Science, he switched courses in his second year, and ended up taking a Basic Certificate in Bee-Keeping, obtaining a Merit for his intricate comb-work — but saw him get his first taste of politics, when he ran for election to the student council on a "Burn the heathens" platform. He lost, heavily.

Bausch the brave

Captain Bausch on active duty in the Gelzien Nub

Bausch the businessman

He held the position of Commercial Director for eight years, taking United Uranium into a position of national dominance through a mixture of ruthless business strategies and thumb-screws. By the early 720s, United Uranium had established a total monopoly in the Gruenberger mining sector, no doubt aided by massive Court hand-outs, mostly arranged by Bausch himself. He was also allowed to sit in as an official observer on the negotiations with New Greater Tibet to allow Gruenberger corporations — led by United Uranium — increased access to Tibetanese uranium deposits. One of his most significant achievements was negotiating a merger with Combined Chemical Manufactures, and he is believed to have been the principle author of the contract (the text of which read "We get to keep your assets; you get to keep your kneecaps"). His relationship with United Uranium ended on a sour note, however, when his increasingly audacious expenses claims began to cause concern in the accounting department. When they refused to allow him to charge a helicopter as 'communications optimisations', he stormed out. Subsequent accusations of massive embezzlement attracted the interest of the State Department of Foreign Affairs, who approached him with a job offer.

Bausch the bureaucrat

Little is known of Bausch's activities during his time as Deputy Secretary of Administration in the DoFA. He has suggested that this apparent lack of industry is actually on account of many of the projects on which he worked being classified. A more likely hypothesis is that he just spent most of the time in the local pub, as evidenced by many photographs and two police cautions.

However, in the late 720s, rumours began to circulate that Gardab IX was seeking to bring Gruenberg into the United Nations. Bausch immediately responded to this with a 7,000 word article in the Gruenberg Times & Citizen (4,000 of which were "fuck") in which he lambasted those who would "bend our proud nation in subservience...to foreign devils and infidels". He ended with an explicit and anatomically detailed explanation of where the international community "should stick itself". He is reported to have also drawn crude diagrams; these were not printed. Within a week he was appointed to head the newly founded Gruenberger Office of UN Affairs.

Office of UN Affairs

For the period leading up to Gruenberg's first entry into the UN, Bausch was tasked with advising the Court on implementation of UN resolutions. He advocated a policy of borderline non-compliance, and hired noted Gruenberger lawyer Lori Jiffjeff to aid in him formulating a strategy in implementing legislation without forcing too great a shift in Court policy. Their efforts were initially slow and unproductive, in part hindered by Jiffjeff's bringing 18 consecutive cases of sexual harassment against Bausch (prefacing her notes on the 14th with "Oh come on he's not even trying to hide it anymore") but, over time, they brought Gruenberg around to a state of readiness to enter the UN.

As Bausch hired and trained staff, appointed all of the major advisors, and prepared the operation for the move to the UN headquarters, he must have felt confident that he would assume the role of ambassador. His disappointment when the Sultan instead chose his nephew, Zlott, was apparent: he is reported to have spent three days wandering the streets of Flurthwel headbutting people, trees, lampposts, and a small pigeon. Nonetheless, he did eventually calm down enough to formally accept Zlott.

Ambassador to the UN

After the debacle of Zlott's resignation following the the Transgender Equality Act, and the failure of that proposal, Gardab IV announced his intention to return Gruenberg to the UN. He also made it clear that he wished the new ambassador to make a more vocal role in UN affairs. To prove that he was that 'more vocal' person Gruenberg needed, Bausch screamed obscenities into the Sultan's ear for three days straight, finally collapsing of severe respiratory distress. He awoke in hospital to find he had been given the role. Three days later, he was back in hospital, this time the subject of minor liver surgery. A week later, he had taken up his post at the UN.

He arrived in a flurry of publicity, not for his bold rhetoric or political views, but rather his fascination with quoting Beatles lyrics. This initially led to him being mistaken for Ringo Starr. His first act was to attempt to justify Gruenberg's stance with regard to The Law of the Sea: this led to declaration of war by several parties, culminating in the Battle of the Thermometers. It then took him all of four days to decide that he had become a UN legal expert, and begin dispensing advice, a trait that many have found extremely annoying and indicative of a sublime arrogance. After repeatedly asking to smoke in the Strangers' Bar (and ignoring the rather large signs permitting such) he asked one final question of the General Assembly, enquiring after the location a guide written by the representative from DemonLordEnigma. In doing so he inadvertently started a monumental shit storm between several representatives, notably those of Powerhungry Chipmunks and Enn.

Bausch has publicly stated that there are many resolutions he wishes to see repealed