Antarcticad
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Contents
Personal Details
Extraordinarily gifted striker who became more famous for his hairstyles than for the number of goals scored.
- Local team: Ellery Camp
- National team: Errinundera
World Cups
- Stats include qualifying matches
- leighm medal is voted upon by the Errinundrian coaching staff for the Player of the Series.
- 1 goal
- 3 leighm votes
- Errinundera qualified but didn't progress beyong the group stages.
- 13 goals
- 13 leighm votes
- Errinundera lost in the play-off for 3rd place in a penalty shoot out.
- Voted as most popular player of the tournament
- 14 goals
- 9 leighm votes
- Errinundera wins the World Cup.
That hair
In the first matches of World Cup 5 antarcticad's hair cut was inspired by tree ferns. In fact he was named after the soft tree fern (Antarctica dicksonia). Yep, he looked like he had fern fronds growing out of his head. His fellow Ellery Camp striker, oreadest was named after the Gippsland waratah (Telopea oreades) so he sprouted a bright red style. In the second qualifying round against Tanah Burung it went down a treat. From there the legend grew. By the fifth match everybody at the matches would have dyed green or red hair, regardless of which country they barracked for.
The two also became noteworthy for their gorilla routines during matches and their acrobatic stunts after the games in the stands or trees with the fans. Oddly enough they weren't kicking a lot of goals but no-one seemed to mind.
By the group rounds it was becoming noticeable that the number of green dyed heads were outnumbering the red dyed heads.
Despite this worrying trend, the two young strikers set up a young player exchange program between Ellery Camp and the Tanah Burung village of Findabaya.
The Depa Doping Debacle
antarcticad was stood down from the team for the first seven qualifying games of World Cup 6 after he tested positive for the horse stimulant, depa. Investigations eventually revealed that he had been doped by an envious oreadest, using drugs he purchased in Tanah Burung. It transpired that he resented antarcticad's greater popularity with the fans. He also felt that he wasn't getting the chance to show his skills while antarcticad was playing along side him. The ostracised oreadest never played for any Errindrian team agan, however he was welcomed with open arms in Tanah Burung where he had a successful career in the local competition.
There was an odd and unexpected twist to the depa scandals. Errinundrian genetic engineers crossed the depa plant with the infamous Tanah Burung evisceratomatoes and came up with a very beneficial hybrid. People would glow purple for a while after eating them but that only added to the appeal.
More Hair
Soccer fans were stunned when antarcticad returned to the football field. His hair glowed brightly. And this had nothing to with depa or evisceratomoes. He declined to reveal how it was done. At the first qualifying match for World Cup 7 antarcticad shocked everyone again, but this time all he had done was shave his hair off.
“It’s not by choice I tell you,” he said. “It all fell out. The glowing hair was powered by a subcutaneous battery linked to optical fibres sown into the scalp in between the hair follicles. The battery leaked and has killed all the hair follicles. That’s the price of fame, I guess.”
And that was end of the hair circus.
Career off the Field
- Coach at the National Football Clinic in Ellery Camp
- Head coach at the National Football Clinic
- Head of the National Football Clinic
- Married and had 15 children with rostac
From the Archives
The First Creek Falls Age
WORLD CUP FANS WARM TO ANTARCTICAD
PARTNER IS SHUNNED
(Huge close-up of a smiling antarcticad; small side picture of dejected oreadest with hands on hips and kicking ground)
He may not have kicked many goals on the field this tournament but Antarcticad sure has kicked a few winners with the fans in Tanah Burung. And it’s not just the amazing green haircut. Throughout the series he and crowds have got on like a house on fire. So it comes as no great surprise that he has been popularly elected as people’s player of the tournament. Oddly, his red counterpart, Oreadest, hardly rated a mention.
Errinundera’s champion goalkeeper and recently appointed World Cup 6 captain / coach, fionar, has no problems with their extroverted behaviour. “There isn’t any hint of artificiality about these guys. What you see is what they are really like. To them life is fun. They play best when they are happy.”
Outgoing captain / coach, filthyl is just as positive in his comments. “Sure, they didn’t kick a lot of goals in Tanah Burung but they followed my instructions to the letter. So, for all their individuality they are great team players.”
antarcticad was typically exuberant in his reaction to the award. “This is sensational, man,” he said. “Tanah Burung has been like a second home to me. Somehow the local fans and Errinundrians are on the same branch. Particularly the fans in the villages. They now how to live and have a good time. Football is fun, you know. The villagers understand this.”
His erstwhile colour co-ordinated twin, oreadest, wasn’t so sanguine. “Look, I mighta understood being pipped at the post but I got hardly any votes at all. I’d have thought my red hair was much more noticeable than his green hair. Well, that was the theory. I can only imagine it happened because it’s always antarcticad and oreadest, not oreadest and antarcticad. Well, next world cup I’m doing my own thing and he won’t know which tree he’s in.”
Our man in Tanah Burung, pvox, travelled to Findabaya, the scene of on-field and off-field triumphs for the team, to find out why they found our man so magical.
Warung Agus (village head lady): You should see him dance. The way he wiggles his bum is out of the trees.
Mogong Pilo (tree farmer): I really liked how they joined us in the trees after the match. We sat and told stories until dark.
Reelise Reeus (student): We called them monkeys to take the piss out of them but they really got into the spirit of it. I loved antarcticad’s and the other guy’s monkey routine each time a goal was scored.
Ovatha Dop (village sports administrator): At their own expense, antarcticad and the red bloke have arranged a young footballer exchange program between Findabaya and their village, Ellery Camp. A young woman, Canabe Livit, will be going there next year. They are terrific blokes.
Min Kibaz (shadow puppeteer): Weren’t the acrobatics they did after the match amazing. They could make a serious living in Tanah Burung just from that.
Canabe Livit (budding footballer and first recipient of the Findabaya – Ellery Camp exchange program): His haircut is just wild. When I first saw pictures of antarcticad and oreadest I couldn’t make up my mind to have green or red hair. antarcticad’s picture was first in the paper so I went for his colour.
We asked football commentator, spouth, to rate him as a player. Like some Errinundrians he thought he was a little overrated but reminded us that he was still only nineteen years old. “I think he will be under the microscope much more next time round. Much bigger things will be expected of both of them. I hope they deliver. If they do it will be delirious. antarcticad is already only second to moschatum in pure skill level. And his fitness levels are magnificent. I await WC6 with anticipation.”
As the team’s boot-studder, phudson, was not available we give the last word this time to princec, the team’s gopher, “my wife, dip, and I went out for dinner with him. We laughed all night. We were spellbound.”
Radio Errinundera
Late Night Live with adamsp
Ah.. the jaunty bittersweet music of Elena Kats-Chernin welcomes you to another edition a little radio program called Late Night Live here on Radio Errinundera, Radio National and the wubbleyu wubbleyu wubbleyu.
First up we cross to Washington where one of the many famous Schapiros will tell us about the latest public execution scandals gripping the US. Then, if we can track him down, we will talk to Robert Fisk in Iraq who has got plenty to say about the attacks on the occupying military in that country. Then to wrap up the program we will be talking to a footballer. Yes you heard me correctly. A footballer. Here at LNL we have said many a disparaging thing about this intellectually challenged group of people so perhaps tonight we will prove one way or the other whether footballers have the ability to think intelligently.
(35 minutes of talking heads and 3 very short snatches of music pass by.)
As I mentioned at the start of the program I am about to interview a footballer. Those of you who have been listening to me over the years and who read my weekly column know that I don’t have a very high opinion of people who publicly try to force solid objects into heavily guarded repositories. In fact, this interview was not my idea at all. My producer told me that either I do it or my contract wouldn’t be renewed next year. (Laughter can be heard in the background.)
I didn’t know I had a contract. (More laughter.) What will they think of next? (More laughter.)
Well, at least my guest has a sense of humour. I’m speaking with antarcticad from the Errinundrian national team. Now, my producer tells me you’re what they call a striker. Is that because you refuse to play?
antarcticad: For the last few weeks I would have been grateful for that opportunity. Unfortunately, I was forced from the team due to some regrettable circumstances. No, a striker is one of the players who try to score goals.
adamsp: Apparently one of your teammates poisoned you with a psycotropic drug?
antarcticad: Well, that’s what the enquiry in Ellery Camp found.
adamsp: You have no hard feelings towards the other fellow?
antarcticad: Not really. I don’t think he expected things would turn out the way they did. And, in the long run he will be worse off than me. Which is odd because, of the two of us, he was the thoughtful, far-sighted one. I’m not sure why he did it... well, the magistrates were probably right about his motives... but... I don’t know... it was a crazy thing to do.
adamsp: How do you mean worse off?
antarcticad: Well, I’m back in the national side. My reputation is restored. On the other hand, no-one in Errinundera wants to know him. Our club, Ellery Camp, has put him on the international market and can’t get a bidder.
adamsp: Lovefest University in Tanah Burung want him.
antarcticad: Isn’t that marvellous? That will be a fantastic outcome for him. The Tanahs really love him. He’s only 23 so he will fit in really well there. Rita, the partner of another member of our team, firset, graduated from the Lovefest University. In fact, according to firset, she’s now a first-rate tutor and gives him lots of free lessons...
adamsp: At this point I might just remind the listener that this is adamsp bringing you Late Night Live on Radio Errinundera, Radio National and the world wide web. I reckon it’s right to say that you’ve got a bigger reputation for your hairdos that for your ability on the football field.
antarcticad (laughing again): In fairness that’s probably right. In WC5 though, you must remember I was only nineteen. I’m still only 23 and learning all the time. filthyl and fionar have been fantastic coaches so I can get much better. But you have to always try not to forget that football is only a game and if you’re not enjoying it then I think you should give it away. The hairstyles? They’re part of the fun. I like to surprise people. See that look of wonder on their faces. One of the newspapers think we look stupid. When you think about it, the green or red or glowing hair probably is stupid but, hey, it makes me happy and it makes a lot of other people happy so why not? It’s also about crossing a line. Would you do it?
adamsp: Probably not. So what makes you do it?
antarcticad: Either the money or the glory. No, probably both. Seriously though, crossing the line is important to me. I remember once hearing Eric Clapton talking about Jimi Hendrix. Clapton said that a genius was a person who dared to go to that place that other people were afraid to. Ever since I was young it’s been apparent that I’m blessed with extraordinary football talent. That’s not boasting: I’ve been very fortunate. To deny I’ve got football ability would be to delude myself. Everyone needs to be self-aware. But to be truly great I’ve got to delve deeper than other people. Time will tell. I’ve got maybe only two and a half world cups to find out.
Well we’ve run out of time. That wraps it up for another evening. On our next we will be travelling to some very odd places indeed: Mezitzia, where a dictator treats his citizens as playthings – literally; Quohog, where the shopping centres are so large that people get lost for days; and Hegemonia Poslka, where the whole country was treated as a tasty piece of real estate and sold to The New Russia.
(The sad, ironic sounds of Elena Kats-Chernin leads into the time pips for 11pm and the hourly news bulletin.)
