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Late Night Live with adamsp

Ah.. the jaunty bittersweet music of Elena Kats-Chernin welcomes you to another edition a little radio program called Late Night Live here on Radio Errinundera, Radio National and the wubbleyu wubbleyu wubbleyu.

First up we cross to Washington where one of the many famous Schapiros will tell us about the latest public execution scandals gripping the US. Then, if we can track him down, we will talk to Robert Fisk in Iraq who has got plenty to say about the attacks on the occupying military in that country. Then to wrap up the program we will be talking to a footballer. Yes you heard me correctly. A footballer. Here at LNL we have said many a disparaging thing about this intellectually challenged group of people so perhaps tonight we will prove one way or the other whether footballers have the ability to think intelligently.

(35 minutes of talking heads and 2 short music stings pass by.)

As I mentioned at the start of the program I am about to interview a footballer. Those of you who have been listening to me over the years and who read my weekly column know that I don’t have a very high opinion of people who publicly try to force solid objects into heavily guarded repositories. In fact, this interview was not my idea at all. My producer told me that either I do it or my contract wouldn’t be renewed next year. (Laughter can be heard in the background.)

I didn’t know I had a contract. (More laughter.) What will they think of next? (More laughter.)

Well, at least my guest has a sense of humour. I’m speaking with antarcticad from the Errinundrian national team. Now, my producer tells me you’re what they call a striker. Is that because you refuse to play?

antarcticad: For the last few weeks I would have been grateful for that opportunity. Unfortunately, I was forced from the team due to some regrettable circumstances. No, a striker is one of the players who try to score goals.

adamsp: Apparently one of your teammates poisoned you with a psycotropic drug?

antarcticad: Well, that’s what the enquiry in Ellery Camp found.

adamsp: You have no hard feelings towards the other fellow?

antarcticad: Not really. I don’t think he expected things would turn out the way they did. And, in the long run he will be worse off than me. Which is odd because, of the two of us, he was the thoughtful, far-sighted one. I’m not sure why he did it... well, the magistrates were probably right about his motives... but... I don’t know... it was a crazy thing to do.

adamsp: How do you mean worse off?

antarcticad: Well, I’m back in the national side. My reputation is restored. On the other hand, no-one in Errinundera wants to know him. Our club, Ellery Camp, has put him on the international market and can’t get a bidder.

adamsp: Lovefest University in Tanah Burung want him.

antarcticad: Isn’t that marvellous? That will be a fantastic outcome for him. The Tanahs really love him. He’s only 23 so he will fit in really well there. Rita, the partner of another member of our team, firset, graduated from the Lovefest University. In fact, according to firset, she’s now a first-rate tutor and gives him lots of free lessons...

adamsp: At this point I might just remind the listener that this is adamsp bringing you Late Night Live on Radio Errinundera, Radio National and the world wide web. I reckon it’s right to say that you’ve got a bigger reputation for your hairdos that for your ability on the football field.

antarcticad (laughing again): In fairness that’s probably right. In WC5 though, you must remember I was only nineteen. I’m still only 23 and learning all the time. filthyl and fionar have been fantastic coaches so I can get much better. But you have to always try not to forget that football is only a game and if you’re not enjoying it then I think you should give it away. The hairstyles? They’re part of the fun. I like to surprise people. See that look of wonder on their faces. One of the newspapers think we look stupid. When you think about it, the green or red or glowing hair probably is stupid but, hey, it makes me happy and it makes a lot of other people happy so why not? It’s also about crossing a line. Would you do it?

adamsp: Probably not. So what makes you do it?

antarcticad: Either the money or the glory. No, probably both. Seriously though, crossing the line is important to me. I remember once hearing Eric Clapton talking about Jimi Hendrix. Clapton said that a genius was a person who dared to go to that place that other people were afraid to. Ever since I was young it’s been apparent that I’m blessed with extraordinary football talent. That’s not boasting: I’ve been very fortunate. To deny I’ve got football ability would be to delude myself. Everyone needs to be self-aware. But to be truly great I’ve got to delve deeper than other people. Time will tell. I’ve got maybe only two and a half world cups to find out.

adamsp: Well we’ve run out of time. That wraps it up for another evening. On our next we will be travelling to some very odd places indeed: Mezitzia, where a dictator treats his citizens as playthings – literally; Quohog, where the shopping centres are so large that people get lost for days; and Hegemonia Polska, where the whole country was treated as a tasty piece of real estate and sold to The New Russia.

(The sad, ironic sounds of Elena Kats-Chernin leads into the time pips for 11pm and the hourly news bulletin.)