Kothuwania
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| Flag of Kothuwania | |
| Motto: "Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = CRAZY DELICIOUS!" | |
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| Region | Paradiso of Inferno |
|---|---|
| Capital | Ko |
| Official Language(s) | Kothuwanian English Dialect |
| Leader | Ko |
| Population | 283 Million |
| Currency | w-PANG |
| NS Sunset XML | |
The Rogue Nation of Kothuwania is a huge, devout nation, notable for its punitive income tax rates. Its hard-nosed, cynical population of 310 million are fiercely patriotic and enjoy great social equality; they tend to view other, more capitalist countries as somewhat immoral and corrupt.
It is difficult to tell where the omnipresent, socially-minded government stops and the rest of society begins, but it juggles the competing demands of Law & Order, Religion & Spirituality, and Defence. The average income tax rate is 63%, and even higher for the wealthy. A large private sector is led by the Beef-Based Agriculture industry, followed by Automobile Manufacturing and Door-to-door Insurance Sales.
Every product goes through extensive safety-testing by the government, skateparks can be found in every city, the alarmingly racist TV show 'Bigtopians Say the Darndest Things' is a hit, and prime real estate is devoted to wind farms and solar energy generators. Crime -- especially youth-related -- is a major problem. Kothuwania's national animal is the Bloodthirsty Trouser, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its currency is the w-PANG.
But let's face more interesting facts. Read on.
Geography
Kothuwania is located in the southeast of the region Paradiso of Inferno. Many port cities are located along the coast. Kothuwania is an active trade nation and since its founding has expanded into other regions.
The Mainland
Kothuwania is the third nation to enter the borders of P of I. Since its founding, eleven other nations have entered and become part of the region. Three of them were welcomed. Kothuwania is the fourth largest nation in P of I. The mainland features major port cities, the largest being Onrefni, the hottest place in the world to host an ice sculpture competition. There are many tropical islands off the coast, the largest being Osidarap, which is also the name of the major tourist resort city located on it.
Colonies
Several colonies exist in another region that was discovered by the Kothuwania space program. A series of floating islands orbiting the earth became the new home to many Kothuwanian explorers. Several years later, there was an evacuation decreed by the nation's most renowned scientist, Michael B. Donk. Not taking any chances, the colonists evacuated. The next week the air islands were gone. Nobody knows just how they disappeared, but many theories have been made. The leading theory suggests that a highly evolved cockroach with heavy artillery hijacked an interstellar cruiser and crawled into the ship's computer, merging itself with the brain of the machine. The bug/ship flew to the planet Xarqua and detonated several nuclear devices on the planet, killing all forms of life on the planet except for its cockroaches. Then the bug/ship (we'll say Bip) absorbed all the energy from the bugs and became a super-intelligent entity. He grew so large that he became the size of a small planet with its own eco-system. The local wildlife (roaches) scurried about in their happy lives. Then one day, Bip moved too close to a black hole and was sucked in. At the other end, he came out 3,000,000 years and many light-years away in the shape of a glass of milk. Then a vicious creature made of malice, evil and tungsten came up and drank it. For some reason, nobody could figure out what happened to the glass.
Donk claims he saw a cockroach acting out of the ordinary. Coincidence? I think not. Everyone believes him.
There is another theory that states that Donk is the b'donk da'crazy parawhackasmack'da-gon wizz-onk to-the chizzi'dag whackjob (in Kothuwanian: slightly mentally challenged). In fact, the abbreviation for b'd/d'c/p'ws'd-g/w-o/t-t/c'd/wj is the word "Donk."
For some reason this theory is not widely accepted.
Currency
The Kothuwanian currency is the w-PANG, a small, sentient piece of unidentified metal.
History
The w-PANG was founded by Yeagle Barnes Akyurit, who discovered a new type of metal that closely resembled an aquamarine stone. Y. B. Akyurit claimed he had found massive deposits of the valuable stone, but a closer scientific look showed the mystery substance to be a combination of plastic, very small rodents, and paper from ancient tabloid magazines. When Mr. Akyurit found this out, he decided to forget it and tell everybody that it was valuable. By the time the public got wind of the truth, it was too late and the stuff had become the national currency. Mr. Akyurit was later quoted as saying, "Why be Precise?"
Behind the Name
A better name than "that stuff that's made of plastic, very small rodents, and paper from ancient tabloid magazines" was proposed by a group called All Hail Our Young Mother Earth (or AHOY, ME (don't ask)). The activist group wanted to use the word w-pang-b'dongua-chizzoquo, the word for "pinky toe" in ancient Jizzokian, from the Jizzoke people that once lived in the area centuries ago. These people were known for their humorous oracles, from whose descendents became known as comedians. AHOY, ME stated that calling the money the same name as the word for "pinky toe" was funny. Experts say that it would have been funny in the time of the ancients. Maybe.
The PANG that puts the PANG in w-PANG is capitalized by some people in an attempt to make profit. However, some people just capitalize the letters. The reason is to stress the second syllable in an exaggerated way. This happens frequently in the Kothuwanian dialect for the sole purpose of making silly noises in one's mouth.
Alternate spelings are:
- wh-pang
- wimpong
- whoppang
- whpnag
- dag
- w-pang d'dang diggy-diggy
- apple
Alternate spelings of the word "speling" include:
- Spelling
Although why anyone would want it to be this way is beyond me.
Value
1 w-PANG is approximately equal to the value of a BIGGIE size Wendy's combo meal. But not one of those GREAT BIGGIE things. No way. That would be, like, 1.4 w-PANGs. And nobody can handle that chizzong-b'dong (Kothuwanian for "large quantity"). That's way hardcore.
There are no other Kothuwanian units of currency. w-PANG is about it, so there really is nothing else to compare to. However, a radical group has declared that
Clearly, this theory is not widely accepted. But, due to constant pressure from said radical group, a compromise was made.
Everyone seems to be okay with this, except for Ferd. Ferd is a man who had a mistake on his birth certificate.
Currency Rates in Comparison to Paradiso of Inferno
1 w-PANG is equal to... *
1.75 dollar (QRF, Amer Adawiya, Jahzir) 57.5 hair (Suminski) 4 Republican Credit (Helen Rose, Andrew Keomany) 0.40 flips the bird (Hellfire XV) 0.0001 blood note (Hate XV) 5 svuck (Shaydedland) 1 AOL promotion CD-ROM (Dragun-topia) 0.714285 GREAT BIGGIE value meal (Wendy's) -1 human soul (Pugatorioso) 3.14 milkshake man (Communist Dangle) 3a(5+8) whiplash (Darth Slater) 3i water balloon (The Order of Light Ish) 2 w-PANG (Kothuwania)
*Disclaimer: these currency rates factoids may or may not invariably be either true or false.
Conspiracy theories concerning w-PANGs
It has been rumored that the small smelly metal pieces of currency are in fact alive and plotting the demise of all Kothuwanians humans. This has not been proven, but there was an incident involving a w-PANG and a battle-axe. Nobody was hurt, but a squirrel sustained critical injuries. Hang on, little buddy. You're gonna make it.
Language
Modern Kothuwanian is an unusual dialect of English, with many embedded apostrophes, dashes, and surprise birthday parties. This elaborate pallete of lingual paints was put together when English was merged with Kothioq, Ko's native language (who says he can't have his own?) and then jumbled together with ancient Jizzokian, which was a move pushed by the environmentalist group AHOY, ME.
Jizzokian
The ancient peoples of Jizzoke lived in the area where modern-day Kothuwania is now. Before then, they lived in what is modern-day Shaydedland. They moved, however, due to the dragons, which nobody likes, which happens to be due to the fact that they eat people, which is due to their immense hunger, anger, and general scorn for all civilized life. The ancient peoples were known for their comedy, which is said to be far different from ours, and for their invention of skittles.They left the land when thaxoglyceropropolic acid, the chemical which gives the fruity snack its taste, became a rarity. Their language no longer survives, but much of it got into Modern Kothuwanian.
Phrases
A-wong g'down bout Ko, wiggi-diggi-dong qua-pang Kothuwania-tang.
"All hail Ko, omnipotent leader of Kothuwania."
B'donk da-donk da-donk ish.
"You're full of it."
Zapadong pong d'op-ogon chess b'gon lod...
"A computer once beat me at chess..."
...ra'a'pang w-TANG d'kick wh-pick blod.
"...but it was no match for me at kick-boxing.
National Motto
There is great dispute about which absurd statement will become the national motto, so Kothuwania tends to switch to new ones every once in a blue moon. Such absurdly ridiculous proposals for the motto include:
- "For Freedom and Liberty!"
- "Fly the Flag High!"
- "Kothuwania: Land of Opportunity"
- A Paradise among Infernos"
Fortunately, only sensible comments ever see the light of day.
- "Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = CRAZY DELICIOUS!"
- "I'll kill you until you die!!"
- "The World is More Like it is Now then it Ever has Before"
- Kothuwania is Gonna Do-Sum-Bou-Dis!"
Politics
Ko, upon founding the country, declared that there would be no politics. To his dismay, a unique form of politics has squeezed its way out of the proverbial sewer hole of democracy. The organization responsible, S.A.N.T.A. (Solutions Are Not The Answer) is in charge of everything wrong with Kothuwania.
Culture
Kothuwanian tradition is complicated. Contrary to the below list, an elite group of Kothuwanians are in fact smart; smart enough to write articles on the country. But apparently not lists. Or complete sentences.
Compared with the other countries in P of I, Kothuwania ranks...
average in politics
high in defense
first always in religion
first always in compassion
high in agriculture
high on substances
low in speling
last always in intelagins
Flora & Fauna
Kothuwania has a wide array of interesting wild-life.
Rarest Plant
The most rare plant in Kothuwania is the Vline, short for "Vine Line," a plant that creeps along the ground and then turns up at a perfect 90-degree angle to climb up walls. It never bends, but can be used to split adljacent plots of property if placed correctly. It looks like this:
Rarest Animal
The Rarest Animal in the country and the region is the Lod. The Lod is found in the deep forests of Adman Islands off the west coast of P of I and can only be seen when all of the citizens in the region turn and face east.
National Flower
The national flower of Kothuwania is the Rabid Egg. It is a giant flower with blue pedals, light green leaves, and a yellow center. It smells very good. I actually have no idea why it is called the Rabid Egg.
National Animal
Kothuwania's national animal is the Bloodthirsty Trouser, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, but you already knew that. The BLT (Bloodthirsty Extra-Large pair of Trouser s) is so named because of its striking resemblance to said article of clothing. If you were wondering about the abbreviation, they mostly wanted it to say "BLT" because of its similarities with "Bacon, Lettuce, and Trousers." I hope you don't have a problem with that.
National Colors
The Kothuwanian National colors are light green, light yellow, red, and blizzang-orp. Blizzang-orp means light blue in Mothuwanian. Flightless insects and the rest of the population, however, call it "light blue."
Interpretations
It is said that the each of the four national colors in the Great Flag of the Rogue Nation of Kothuwania represent four undying virtues that the country was founded upon. Actually what happened is Ko was engaged in an epic sword-battle and shortly after defeating the foe, blood was spilt on a Rabid Egg plant. Ko found the resulting colors pleasing to the eye.
The Old Flag
The very first national flag of Kothuwania is a stunning portrait of Ko during the first year of his reign. Note the life-like reality of the artist's rendering. Also note the Pepsi can.
Modifications
Kothuwania's first proposed flag was similar to the present flag, which the political group S.A.N.T.A. devised as a way to dehumanize the famous ruler. Their goal was to eventually modify the flag until it became just a large blue square. They won't tell why. Contrary to their goal, the existing modification has worked to the advantage of Ko. He won't tell why.
