Kublai Khan

Khan! A name that echoes throughout the ages. Khan! The Mongol hordes, destroying all in their path. Khan! Er, not THAT Khan. A distant descandant, actually, although the blood has been so weakened over the years that only a fondness of furry hats remains, as well as an urge to run through all his enemies with large axes.

Childhood - the birth of a genius

Kublai Khan was born in the Year of the Enraged Tortoise, the Century of the Fruitbat, or 1965 in the heathen calendar. His birth took place in the main hospital of Sovereign UN Territory, and the secrecy regarding his mother has lead some to speculate that she may be the Secretary-General herself.

Khan had a care-free childhood, partly due to the rumours of his parentage, but mostly because of his love of axes, which more than compensated for his aforementioned love for furry hats. He achieved 2000000 on his SATs, and while this is obviously cheating, his teachers felt that someone smart enough to foil the system (an old lady with a typewriter) deserved that score. At college he earned a Majors in Communications, and found himself jobless.

Kublai Khan: The Tyrant Years

Realising that his chances of getting a job in the UN were slim, Khan emigrated to Free Country, NSUSA. There, he met a man with a wrestling mask glued to his face, and several people with no arms, but also an incredible gift for ESP. One of these handicapped people seemed to resemble a broom, and her boyfriend had no pants. Khan quickly slaughtered these misfits and created UnFree Country, NSUSA, over which he reigned for 5 hours, until the former monarch led a revolution. Khan quickly fled NSUSA. (It has since been discovered that Khan merely poked the disabled residents with axe handles, and told them they were dead. Sadly this seems to have worked, as audio tapes of the invasion have several cries of "Oh no! I'm dead!" and "Shut up! Corpses don't talk!".)

Then, as Khan lost all hope, he discovered Equalitonia, a nation that ran on information. Using his Majors degree in Communications, he managed to trick his way into presidency in just 5 days. Since then, he has been a cold, cruel tyran- (gun cocks) I mean, a wonderful, benevolent dicta- president, I meant president. Napkin save Khan!