Xuetopia

Xuetopia (pronounced "Shoo Topia")

Founded on 26 September 2005 when one afternoon our glorious founder Wenxue dreamed of the mass slaughter of accountancy students.

Instead she went to The Elder Scrolls Forum and invited others to join her in founding an island paradise. This was New Vvardenfell - Xuetopia's first incarnation.

Information for New Citizens

You don't have to apply for citizenship. Just land on our shores and you are welcome. You need to build you own hut, dry your own food for winter etc. We have a barter based economy and hemp is our main trade product. If you want a govenment job ask me what we have available or tell me what you are good at. Otherwise just contribute to the community any way you can - weave rope, chop wood, gather herbs, fix broken huts etc.

Our main meat food is chicken. We eat some duck but only on really special occasions as duckies are sacred. We currently have teams of explorers out in the west of the island. We have found a volcano, an abandoned pickle factory and a huge network of mysterious caves. We are building a railroad, working on generating power and make strange and exciting scientific discoveries.

Welcome to our world!

Government

The Xuetopian government is currenltly made up of the following ministers:

Eek - Farming

MusicalGibbon42 - Hemp Production and Distribution

Ratwar - Gaming

J4m3sb0nd - Art

Jecassiruk - Trade

Interfekter - Intelligence and the secret services

Mortyr - Evil Wizardary

Cow Guru - Muffin Based Magicka

Icetroll - Forestry

Alexander, Waspinator and Jrinswand - Population growth

Myles Kalabarn - Defence and Military Strategy

Sting Hurts Only Once - Tourism

Helkalas-so-Tauna – Rock and Roll (Deputy Minister - Hendrix Bach the chicken)

Wkinkade - Chickens and miscellaneous poultry

Stargate525 - Transportation

Geisskane - Plumbing and Minerology

McFadden – Education

Karilos – Sport

Working citizens

Quite a few people wanted to start fires also - they were not hired. Belwar wanted to be village idiot. He was duly hired. Chief Explorer Raithen explores the unexplored bits of the island and faces straneg plants and fearsome beasts. Taegril Avarail built himself a hut in the mountains and stayed in it and became the island's hermit. Gamgee is a fearsome hunter of caribou. Steve settled on a ranch in the south of Hempshire and he raises horses. Havocism sails the seas and brings it's fishy bounty home to the plates of grateful Xuetopians. The noble dragon maiden Cira plucks trees from the earth for our woodcutters to saw down into planks. Glorfindel keeps the people safe from the dangers of an unwatched fire. FunkyMonk likes to throw fireballs - we are still figuring out a role for him. ThePenguin has settled just to the south west of Dragon Mountain where he survives on what he can find. Crazynordic Guy keeps watch over the outside of the mysterious pickle factory in case whatever is inside decides to venture outside. Dagg whacks chickens with a hammer in order that we all may feast on chicken and viking ale on cold winter evenings and barbequed chicken and cold viking ale on warm summer evenings.

Culture

Xuetopia has a fine bardic tradition, which lives on in taverns and on street corners across the land.

Some popular ditties include:

Cow Guru - Song of Xuetopia

Xuetopia, your Muffins are grand

Your beach is amazingly full of sand

Hempshire is home to a good brass band

And there's lovely runways for the dragons to land.

The Admiral has a lovely hat

Your shops have top-quality souvenir tat

You still don't have even one screaming brat

Oh dear, I think I just trod on a cat.

I brewed up some muffins to make the tea

I brewed it up in a pot called Lee

Eek drank the lot and left none for me

But I didn't mind, because I'd spat in it.

Queen Wenxue - A Royal Ode to Xuetopia

Xuetopia your hemp is green

Your muffins are like I've never seen

Your duckies are agressive and very mean

Xuetopia, lets hope the tourists are keen

History

There was a fearsome war of muffin and necromancy as Mortyr and Cow Guru slugged it out. Mortyr wanted what all evil wizards want - world domination. Cow Guru just wanted a world of muffins - a muffintopia. Wenxue just wanted the nice quiet island she was after in the first place. Head of the Secret Police, Interfekter stepped in to put a stop to all the magical based mischief - before trying to depose queen and god Wenxue himself. He ended up locked in a gingerbread dungeon sustained only by stale brioche.

Then Sir Myles and the noble Dragon Sting Hurts Only Once had something of a disagrement. Dragons and knights. You just can't put them in the same room together. Anyway it was long and messy and noble and there was lots of fire and some shiny swords.

After all this god queen Wenxue had not found the paradise she seeked so she set sail and found a new island with fewer muffins. This island became Xuetopia and is located in Nirn.

Most of her people followed her there, possibly for the hemp.

Addition by Myles Kalabarn

Adding onto the details of the conflict with th SecretE Police. When the SecretE Police declared rule over New Vvardenfel, Sir Myles secretly had a meeting with eek, Cow Guru, and Bacchanel. Myles thought that the Wenxue's original plan of rule was not working, he believed it would be best if it switched from monarchy to a republic. Thus, the people of the meeting became the Knights of the New Republic. First, they broke Sanctus Servo out of prison, and from there he and Cow_Guru created a massive army of gingerbread men and deadly animated muffins, while eek rallied up others for the fight. However Interfekter was not intimidated saying his army would eat through the Baked Food Division. However, Myles had a mighty army, called the Paladins, who fought with the SecretE Police's clone army, while the BFD snuck into the cloning labs and destroyed it, defeating the SecretE Police. whenever Wexue returned, she decided that New Vvardenfel was a failure and locked the SecretE police into a gingerbread prison feeding them dried brioche, guarded by the muffins. This was the story that fills the gap between the end of NV and Xuetopia. also, the conflict between stings hurt only once was because the Dragonling planned to take over Xuetopia, along with Kalabar. Myles was not going to stand for this, so he sent his noble Paladins to battle the corrupt Dragonling, but the dragon surrendered before a battle started. This clears up the misconception of there being a bloddy and guesome fight, there never was a fight, simply a conflict.

Geography

Xuetopia is divided into several distinct regions:

The imperial Xuedom, containing the capital city Xueville.

Just north of Sombrero Beach. Most of the poulation shelters in hemp huts here. Queen Wenxue has a slightly bigger hut than everyone else.

Myleshire (aka Kalabar)

The governorship of this region has been granted to Sir Myles in exchange for his loyalty and protection. At present it remains largely undeveloped and populated by Paladins.

Muffin County

The governorship of this region has been granted to The Minister for Muffin Based Magika. The islands primary muffin forests are in this region.

Dragon Mountain

Almost at the centre of the island and bordering the unexplored valley. It has lots of nice caves and is the home of choice for our scaly, winged brethren. Governorship of this region lies in the claws of the Minister for Tourism.

Farming Valley

Where most of our non-hemp crops are grown. Governorship of this region is in the hands of the Minister for Farming and Rabbit Hunting.

Hempshire

Governed by The Minister for Hemp Production our country's main export crop grows here. Hemp is a good crop to grow not only because of it's many uses, but it also needs little attention or fertilizer.

Sombrero Beach

Where our founders first landed. Governed directly by the central government due to it's economic importance in the tourist industry. Sombrero Beach is also the home of The Admiral, a relatively harmless Cthulhu cultist.

The west of the island remains largely unexplored due to unpassable mountains and two raging, swirling rivers to the north and the south.

Flora and Fauna

The information here has been provide by Chief Explorer Raithen Rathagatax Arthat, who continues to risk life and limb in the name of discovering the mysterious Xuetopian west

Animals

Disagreeish Bankerii

Humanoid in appearance, though very savage, this creature is capable of speech, though it disagrees with you at every moment it opens its mouth. It isn’t considered dangerous, unless you have a high ego, but it is quite annoying.

Bawolfer

A rather large creature, it is a cross between a giant bat and a giant spider. It is large, has the wings of a bat, and the legs of a spider. Its body is of a wolf, including the head (with VERY sharp teeth) and the tail. NOTE: Do not go near it if you are afraid of bats, spiders, or politics. ****

Snoopish Annoyace

This looks like a big snake, and can be considered quite dangerous to gossipers, rumor-starters, and strangers. It will listen in on your conversation (it seems to have the ability to listen in any languages, but speak in none), then take what they’ve heard back to their hive. There they spread what you said, to every other “Snoop” in their own tongue (which is a series of whispers and hisses).

Knollish Juglash

This creature looks like a monkey, but also does not look like a monkey, you really have to see it. It lopes around looking for things to juggle, and will look for something to juggle until it dies of starvation. That is why it is important for it to find something to juggle, also because of their mating ritual which I was lucky enough to witness. The males will begin by juggling two items, while the females juggle three. They inch closer, and soon, the male is juggling four items as the female juggles six. They inch closer, ect. Soon they end up juggling stuff together, and they do so for several hours.

Bodeein Buildyer

Large, muscular primates. They are several feet tall, and spend most of their time lifting things up, then putting them down. When I first observed them, I thought this process was pointless, but then I examined them further. They do this to gain muscle mass, to impress the males. The males, on the other hand, are just as tall but slightly skinnier, with big ears.

Fanbish Halolian

Short, with little to no hair on it except the head. It is quite aggressive, though not dangerous unless you are prone to having your feelings hurt by a short, stupid, squeaky-voiced creature with no sense to the world around them. I followed a pack of them back to their lair, where they sat in a circle and threw rock at eatchother. It really all seemed quite pointless. Although they look semi-humanoid, they are not humanoid whatsoever.

Truffleitous –animal- Ever seen a ruffle walking around on four legs? Well this one only has two. It is essentially a big truffle that grows underground, then, after a while, it comes up to ground level and grows two legs. Then the creature wil hop or run around until it finds some marshmallows to eat. These creatures come up to about a man’s waste, and can run extremly fast. It is discernible that these are animals, and not plants, for they have internal organs. (No stars)

Mcfrechies –animal- An animal that looks like a gazelle, but instead has two arms at the front shoulders. These creatures do not possess the ability to hop high distances, instead they choose to swing from vines. For food, they dig up potatoes and then drop them into boiling pools of grease until the potatoes are “deep-fried”. Then they cut up the potatoes into slices, and eat them. *

Crises Mouse

A small mouse with intelligence and the ability to speak. They stand on the hind legs, and use their fore-legs for arms. But only sometimes. They can also run very fast, and are quite aggressive to others who can’t run as fast as them. Not normaly dangerous, but the one I encountered had a knife! **

Lawyer –animal- It’s ugly, stupid, clever, and greedy. These traits often make all the other animal species stay away from them. Appropriately named Lawyer. These lizards are often very slimy and deceitful, able to talk themselves out of (almost) any situation, granted another Lawyer doesn’t go against them. In that case, an entire courtroom is set up, consisting of an empty jury and no judge, then the two lizards duke it out by shouting lies at each other, until one drops dead. Lawyer usualy grow up to the size of a grapefruit, I have yet to find any larger. Gigantuss Monarch –plant- Imagine a giant orange with purple polka-dots on it. That is nothing like a Giantuss Monarch. These plants are essentially a group of vines (each ranging at 1-2 centimeters) that works as a colony to create shapes. Not just any shape, though, they organize themselves into the shapes of other creatures (mimics them). Each colony usually consists of millions of these little vines.

Plants

Marshmallow Tree –plant- Aahh… All our fantasies have come to life. It is indeed true that marshmallows do grow on trees, and they are even more tasty fresh! The trees themselves resemble that of a palm tree, but much shorter. In spring, they grow wonderful different colours of buds, then, later, these buds turn into marshmallows. Each tree usually has around fifty marshmallows growing on it at a time.

Palmishes Nutshes

Looks like a palm tree. Feels like a palm tree. Smells like a palm tree. Tastes like a palm tree. But it is NOT a palm tree. It has little nuts growing on it that, upon further expectation, taste like strawberry. An odd combination, it seems like a plant that was genetically modified.

Kiwi Strangeness

This plant seems to be a giant fruit… but it grows underground, much as a vegetable would do. It even tastes like kiwi, and seems to have some sort of relationship with the kiwi family. And it is not poisonous at all.

Crises Vine

You know those vines that show up in movies and books all the time that attack people for no reason? This is them. They are huge vines that grow all over the place, but they may be just one big plant. The plant catches whatever comes near them, then absorbs them through little spores, one cubic nanometer at a time.

Venicious Flyinish

A very large plant at 15 feet high, it is incredibly dangerous for you to be stepped on by one. Yes, stepped on. These things have legs, making them that more dangerous. It seems that (come the right season) they will get up and lumber over to a new spot. They feed off of any kind of creature that comes near them. It lures it’s pray with little green pieces of paper (which it produces), then strangles them when they come within reach. Then it eats them via their really, really big mouth. But what kind of stupid creature would put themselves in life-threatening danger just for a few slips of green paper?

Runey

These plants appear to be a normal shrub. That is, until they stand up. My research has concluded that they belong to the same family as the Venicious Flyinish. So they have the ability to uproot themselves and travel a short distance. It seems that every once in a while, one of these will jump up, dash a few meters, then pop back into the ground, all the while emitting a high-pitched squeal.

Science and Technology

Minister for Plumbing and Minerology, Geisskane produced a report on Xuetopia's most well know scientfic discovery. Hempchipium

The tests we have run on Hempchipium have revealed alot. Firstly, we must deal with the problem of Hairline fractures.

Hempchipium Diagram[2]

From the diagram, you can see how it looks at an atomic level and indeed this is where the problem lies. In firing raw hempchipium in Lava (the process by which it turns metallic), Lava fills up gaps between the atoms. In extremely hot conditions such as in a volcano, this lava turns molten and flows with lava in the pipe, whilst the Hemp and Wood Chipping atoms remain stationary. This is how it can pipe lava. However, whilst a benefit in warm conditions, it's a fatal fault in cold conditions. The lava turns into hard rock, very cold hard rock. The firing process removed the small number on cannaboids in the hemp which might normally have kept the lava on a 'high'. 'high' lava doesn't care how cold it is but normal lava does. It turns brittle, and with something heavy like a train running over it, these bits of lava fall out leaving gaps in the atomic structure, hence hairline fractures. Now, the hempchipium could probably still support itself as the bonds are incredibly strong, however in the name of safety we shall fix it. The current Hempchipium in use and in our reserves will be recalled and put to piping lava instead for a heating system. We have developed a new type of Hempchipium to replace the current stuff and will replace it all free of charge. This new version, MallowdextrouscarbonicHempchipium or Hempchipium (II) for short, will become the Hempchipium most in use. Essentially, with the Hemp and Wood Chippings, we have mixed in essence extracted from the marshmallow tree. this extract is what makes marshmallow "squidgy". It fills the gaps instead of the lava. then, we don't dip it in lava but rather heat it to a really high temperature eg. over a volcano and the mallow melts and fills the gaps. It is now suitable for transporting molten marshmallow. In the cold, the mallow remains squidgy and does not turn brittle, it remains in place and holds the structure together. Perfectly safe.

The danger to Hempchipium (II) is this. Should temperatures reach 5,000 degrees celsius, the marshmallow will expand, the metal will become sticky and almost triple in size, before finally exploding. at this point, molten mallow will fly in all directions, but woodchippings and the hemp should burn up before anything is hit by them. It is unlikely to reach these temperatures though. The same will happen should it get hit by lightening which is unlikely as the mallow makes Hempchipium (II) an insulator. Hempchipium (I) however is a conductor of electricity so this shouldn't happen.

Finally, the use of Hempchipium (I) & (II) as blast shields. Due to the nature of Hempchipium (I), any shrapnel will hit the metal and be destroyed, it is a perfect blast shield. However, after lots of impact the same problem as above occurs in that the lava falls away. this means miniscule splinters may then penetrate the blast shield. The force required to break away the lava is immense, 1 tonne per square inch of force in normal conditions and 100Kg per square inch in winter. It is relatively safe as an explosion is likely to occur once. it take one blast to knock it out and so the hempchipium will do it's job in a situation with one explosion. Should another explosion occur, most of it will be contained but small chippings will escape. Thsi is where hempchipium (II) comes into play. Due to the elasticity of the mallow, if an explosion occurs, the mallow will prevent it escaping. it will stick into the metal and temporarily increase the structural strength of it. However, if multiple explosions occur and the metal becomes saturated with shrapnel, the mallow will bounce it all back at high velocities to where it came from, dangerous for anybody inside. the colliding of the shrapnel can create almost nuclear explosions which a hempchipium (II) dome will easily contain. This will occur until all shrapnel is destroyed and there are no atoms inside to bounce off each other. This may or may not create a vacuum inside and opening of the dome could prove dangerous unless done from a distance. There may be a large crater where the ground used to be as it may or may not use atoms from the ground to fuel the furnace, that is why having a hempchipium floor is useful.

If done correctly, if something explodes and the atoms are rebounded in the correct way, they may all go to there former places and essentially rebuild what exploded. Useful!

Industry

The main industry is currently hemp products and muffins.

The national dish is banana nut bread.

Agriculture and Food Production

Much of the agricultural land is given over to hemp. Other than that bananas, raspberries, daffodills, potatoes and sweet potatoes are grown.

There is hope of someday establishing a productive fishing industry and a college has recently been founded to further this aim.

Education

As there are no children yet in Xuetopia (it's so nice and quiet!) there is no need for reading and rithmatic to be taught yet. Adults are educated in key subjects needed for the nations survival and growth these include:

Herbal medicine

How to identify non-poisoness mushrooms

How to build houses that don't fall down again

Rope and basket weaving

Basic duckie cooking

Swift use of the Chicken Hammer

How to cook banana nut bread from scratch

Very basic Geography of Xuetopia

Information technolgy

The Xuetopian College for Nautical Excellence was recntly established to encourage and promote the Xuetopian fishing industry. It is headed by the mysterious, sombrero wearing man known as "the Admiral"

Constitution

5% of all banana nut bread baked shall be given to our dragonling breathren who have trouble baking their own.

Hemp shall not be traded, bought or sold only given or shared.

National Anthem

To be sung to the tune of "Robonia" from the Futurama episode "Bend Her"

Hail, Hail Xuetopia. A land we just made up!

National Holidays and Festivals

New Jewellery Day (10 October)

Legend has it that four years before the founding of Xuetopia, Wenxue (our glourious founder) grew fed up with celebrating her birthday as it only reminded her of getting older. Instead she resolved to celebrate the aquisition of new shiny things as this was actually worth waiting for. Please note that this festival has often been misunderstood. It is not an excuse to get other people to buy you things. You are to buy your own shiny thing and wear it with pride.

Muffin Day

This is the one day of the year when the national dish changes form. Banana nut muffins are baked in huge quantities today. People eat them, play footyball with them in the streets and throw them at each other with intent to cause bruising. The next day people stack the stale ones in their barns and later use them for repairing walls and paving roads.

Wintermas

Celebrated in the middle of winter by the lighting of many golden lanterns and the eating of outrageous amounts of banana nut bread. The people gather together and chant "Lo there is nothing on the TV. Shall we put a DVD on?"

Festival of Hemp (in 2005 will be held on 5 November, in all subsequent years it will be held on August 17th)

A colourful celebration of the many and varied uses of this plant, which forms the basis of Xuetopia's economy.

Queen Wenxue sits by the window of her hut weaving hemp rope as many of her citizens wander by smiling contentedly, wearing their newly woven hemp shoes.

The hemp rope serves as a symbolic reminder to The Minister of Evil Wizadry to behave himself. The rope is ceremonially given to him at the end of the day.

Later in the evening everyone sits round and eats Pringles and stares at their hands whilst giggling uncontrollably.

Festival of Underwear

Everyone (even the dragons) dons their best novelty knickers to celebrate the harvest! Stripes, polka dots and shiny material are everywhere to be seen. Marks and Spencers usually report a rapid increase in sales at this time of the year. There are a parades and a best underwear competition with the prize being a pair of hemp underpants. Possibly for display only as they may be a bit scratchy......

Sauna Day

Held to celebrate the contribution to the founding of Xuetopia by our dragonly brethren. Everyone takes a sauna before a big feast of banana nut bread.

Trade Policy

Hemp may be traded with other countries as long as it is legal in those countries. It may not be bought or sold only bartered or given.

Although we hope to be mostly self sufficient, especially in hemp and food, we will import large quantities of nut free food, dairy free food and wheat free food so that all our people may eat to their heart's content. A trading post has been established in Summerset to trade hemp with the locals. Trade has been very promising so far. There are plans to make a trading post in The Empire of Mothy too, but we don't have tigers, pillows or tents to begin. The minister of trade is on the job. We are also trading with Muffintania, whose main product is woodchips. Muffintania is not affiliated with The Minister for Muffin Based Magicka in any way. On this topic he would like to say "I was here first".