Difference between revisions of "The Palentine"

Revision as of 10:13, 16 June 2006

The Palentine

Flag of The Palentine
Motto: "Cry Havok! and let slip the Dogs of War!"
No Map Available Yet
Region	Antarctic Oasis
Capital	The 'Burgh
Official Language(s)	English and Pittsburghese
Leader	Emperor Captain Spaulding I
Population	652 million
Currency	greenback
NS Sunset XML

History

The nation that would be known as the Holy Empire of the Palentine was founded by the mighty warrior queen Komoniwannalaya in 1812 when she united the nomadic peoples of the land. The nation pretty much stayed isolated under the mostly apathetic rule of the heirs of the queen. Then one day the last heir of the dynasty (the unlamented Biff the Lazy-Arsed) died off. The people looked for a savior to protect them from more agressive nations. Then one day a mysterious stranger arrived in the land. Some said he was a military officer; others said he was an explorer; still others said he was a degenerate. One thing was for sure ... he was eccentric. He looked around and uttered the immortal words, "Sod this! Lets go where the action is!" Such statements are the stuff leaders are made of; the population unanimously offered him the crown. At that point he became Emperor Captain Spaulding I, ruler of the Holy Empire of the Palentine. The nation moved to Antarctic Oasis shortly afterwards.

Founded as a right-wing utopia, the Palentine is currently an Corperate Bordello. However, it has toyed with being a moralistic democracy from time to time. Do not be fooled by labels; the Palentine is a staunchly pro-capitalist, pro-military, evil conservative state. Arms manufacturing and gambling are the primary industries. Mad Scientists ... err, "Science Advisors," are also welcome in the Palentine. The population is armed and has some political and civil rights, but in truth, the government prefers not to intrude too much in its citizens' private lives.

Government and Politics

The Palentine is an empire, and thus ultimate power and authority comes from the Emperor. The Emperor is assisted by three bodies: The House of Lords, the Imperial Senate and the Imperial Auditors.

The House of Lords

This august body is made up of the heads of the major and minor noble houses. It was started at a time when it was accepted that the King or Queen needed the cooperation of the nobility to rule. Emperor Captian Spaulding put an end to that sort of nonsense. Therefore this branch has become more of a Good Old Boys network, like a stuffy upper-class gentlemen's club, with no political power.

The Imperial Senate

This government body is made up of 300 citizens from all classes and sexes. Each serves a six-year term, with elections being held for one third of the senate every two years. It proposes legislation, and advises the Emperor. Once again, as the Emperor holds ultimate veto power and authority, the senate has little power. However this is the best place for political advancement and opportunity because the Emperor awards competent, hard-working, and talented senators (bootlicking helps, too) with Imperial appointment to ambassadorships and Imperial offices (like Prime Minister and Imperial Auditor).

Imperial Auditors

This position is rather murky. They have no connection to financial resposibility. The job of the auditors is to act as the Emperor's ears and eyes, a combination of watchdog and wolfhound. They are given authority to act in the Emperor's name to protect the empire from internal and external threats. They are not a secret police though. The Emperor assigns the auditors a task when he needs information, or is busy elsewhere. The Auditors themselves are made up of nine positions: eight permanant and one temporary. The appointment is for life or the Emperor's pleasure, save the ninth position, which is filled as needed. The auditors are made up of military officers, senators, scientists or businessmen, or people with special knowledge and/or training (one never knows what assignment he will be given). Intelligence, discipline and ingenuity are prized abilities among the auditors.

Important Government Officials

The UN

The Palentine was a member of the UN until the Fossil Feul Reduction fiasco caused the Emperor to rethink his UN stance. Unwilling to have his nation and people reduced to the level of granola munching luddites, the Palentine Left the UN. However he gave up some desloate wasteland to form a puppet government to rejoin the UN. Thus the Palentine UN Office was born. The Palentine and its puppet share the same civil servants, but on paper Sen Horatio Sulla runs the new nation. The Palentine is also involved in some outside of the UN groups, The NSO or National Soverignty Organization, ACCEL, and the newly formed UN DEFCON, an organization devoted to topics of international security.

The Land and Miscellaneous Tourist Information

The Palentine is a wonderful albeit a little strange place to visit, and can be disorienting to a tourist. The technology is a bizzare combination of modern and steampunk. Clockwork mechcanisms and automatons share the world with modern computers and electronics. Large helium-filled rigid airships fly in the skies along with modern aircraft. One possible reason for this strange phenomena is the large concentration of Mad Scientists per capita. Of all the nations in the Antarctic Oasis only Lois-Must-Die is reputed to have more Mad Scientists. Consequently all tourists are asked to follow the lead of citizens, and ignore any explosions, and quickly keep out of the way of lab expeiments running amok. Tourists are warned to keep away from the native penguin population, as most of the little buggers are rather viscous. Only the domesticated house penguins are considered safe to approach. The Palentine's national anthem is the rousing song 'Hooray for Captian Spaulding!' and tourists are requested to remove their hats when the song is played. Failure to do so may result in getting beaten up by a very patriotic citizen of the Palentine. Tourists should also be aware that a strange dialect called Pittsburghese is spoken here. It is similar to standard English but with minor variations. English with a Scots dialect is also common here.

Sights to see

Unless you really enjoy icy wastelands there is not a lot to see. I mean if you've seen one snow bank you've seen them all. However if you're still game the sight from the top of Mount Manisthishigh is impressive indeed. Also in the capital city The 'Burgh, there is an anatomically correct statue of the nation's founder Queen Komoniwannalaya. (The mountains there are also impressive.) In the capital city, a statue of John Browning has been erected, as a tribute to one of the greatest gun designers who ever lived.

Culture

So ye want culture, do ye? Well there is not a whole lot of highbrow culture in the Palentine, as the people are mostly frugal and practical. However if lowbrow is your thing then the Palentine is the place for you. Many grindhouses showing Amine, and Hong Kong action films are found on nearly every street. (John Woo, Chow Yun Fat,Sammo Hung, Amy Yip, Jade Leung, and Briggitte Lin are highly regarded in the Palentine.) The only museum in the Palentine is located in The 'Burgh; it is a tribute to the careers of Mick Foley, Fred Blassie, Dusty Rhodes, Terry Funk, R. Lee Ermey, Mayumi Ozaki, and Jaguar Yakota. Perhaps you're a music lover? Unfortunately if you like highbrow classical music and opera you're out of luck. However if you like rock and blues then The Palentine, and especially The 'Burgh is a great place to visit. Honky Tonks, bars, and small clubs are found all over the nation with a large concentration in The 'Burgh. B.B King, and Stevie Ray Vaughan are popular Blues musicians in the Palentine. In The 'Burgh Donnie Iris, The Clarks, and Joe Grushecy and the Houserockers reign supreme.

Sports and other Activities

First of all, the second biggest industy of the Palentine is gambling. So laddie, go out there and visit the many casinos! What are you waiting for, an invitation? You don't gamble? If that don't beat all? Well, in that case the Palentine has a few sports to check out. First is the Palentine Pirates, our local baseball team. Currently undefeated, by the way, due to the fact very few teams want to freeze their bollocks off playing nine innings with them.Combat Football is also popular with the Current Champs the 'Burgh Defenistrators, being immensly popular.Former all pro linebacker Franco Rocky Sulla curently serves as Ambassador to Ohmigodtheykilledkenny. Professional wresting is also a popular sport here (you did visit the museum, didn't you?). The matches are held in most arenas on Friday and Saturday nights; buying tickets in advance is a good idea. Tickets bought from scaplers can be very expensive, especially if Terry Funk is wrestling (the citizens love the Funker).

Employment Opportunities

The Palentine's economy is booming, especially in the arms trade, gambling and automobile manufacturing. However, the job that has the most openings is lab assistant. This fast-growing occupation requires a person with nerves of steel and quick reflexes. The large portion of Mad Scientists make this job possible. A career in being a lab assistant is challenging as well, and a candidate should have many skills. Whether stealing brains from a hospital, running for dear life from an angry experiment, holding back pitchfork and torch wielding citizens, or helping a Mad Scientist to "Show them all!", every day is a new challenge. The downside to this career is sadly many of these Mad Scientists go through lab assistants like Sherman took Atlanta.

The largest of the Palentine's arms manufacturer's Imperial Palentine Amalgamated Arms, has recently opened for business in the International arms trade.

The Military and the Palentine

If I told you about the size and capability of the military here I'd have to kill you afterwards. Suffice to say the occupation of soldier, sailor, marine and airman are highly respected in the Palentine. It has been rumored that at least 1 percent of the nation is on active duty. In an effort to comply with the UN Protection of Dolphins Act, the Palentine Navy has inducted all the dolphins found in Palentine territorial waters, into said Navy. The dolphins now fulfill a vital task of detecting underwater mines. More importantly, in the eyes of the Navy, the dolpins have been trained to place magnetic explosive charges on the hulls of enemy shipping. The dolphins have proved adept in both tasks, but tend to be more flighty, less intellegent, and more easily distracted(not to mention less vicious!) than the native penguin population(a vital part of the national defense). In a recent development, long exposure to seasoned CPOs have given the Palentine Dolphins a new vocabulary, and has proven their sentience. The dolphins are now famous region wide for having the filthiest mouths of any creature man or beast. So much so that the Palentine Board of Tourism is capitalizing on this to bring more tourists to the Palentine. "Come to the Palentine, our Dolphins swear like Drunken Sailors!"

Military and R&D

The large number of Mad Scientists have had an additional effect on the military of the Palentine. Due to the large amount of R&D going on at any time the Palentine has many types of secret weapons that has been developed. Some like the Kamikazi Penguin have proven to be successful in combat. Others, like the extremelly large catapult used to send people and death ray satelites in orbit(as a cheaper alternative to the current rocketry system)still has a few bugs in it. Rumors do persist, even after government denials, that a Death Ray has been developed. Even so do you really want to find out for yourself, and be on the recieving end of such a device? I didn't think so, best to not know. After all what you don't know can hurt you...ooops forget I said that. What about them Pirates eh?