Fanny Moo Examiner On-Line
- 1 Masthead
- 2 Catchment
- 3 Archives
- 3.1 CAR SMUGGLED INTO TREE
- 3.2 FANNY MOO COACH ORDERED TO DROP HERSELF – DROPS REPORTER INSTEAD
- 3.3 FANNY MOO COW REMAINS RECEIVE SOLEMN INTERMENT
- 3.4 FANNY MOO’S BIGGEST SUCK FOUND
- 3.5 FORMER PROTECTOR OF TRADE INTERCEPTED AT McKILLOPS BRIDGE
- 3.6 HEADACHE AHEAD FOR CHAMP
- 3.7 HUNT ON FOR MISSING BOOT
- 3.8 RARE ORCHID THROWS RAIL TRAVELLERS FOR A LOOP
- 3.9 SANDRAB BANISHED FROM FANNY MOO
- 3.10 SPRING EQUINOX TRAGEDY
CAR SMUGGLED INTO TREE
Sniffer wombats today discovered a car that had been smuggled into Fanny Moo in defiance of national laws. Wombat trainer, whoaboy, is bemused at where the vehicle turned up. “It was in a guy’s living room 50 metres above the ground in his tree house. The wombats headed straight for the tree and surrounded it, sniffing the air. So I climbed up and checked it out. What gets me is how he got it up there without anyone noticing.”
Owner of the car, oldandlo, is quite up front about it. “I’ve been making model cars since I was a kid and I thought it would be nice to have a real one. Isn’t it a beauty – it’s a Mazda 121.” When asked how he got it into his living room he replied that getting it up there was the easy part. “I had the individual parts mailed to me by the manufacturer. I’ve spent the last ten years assembling them.”
When asked if he had noticed some odd things, such as car doors, wheels and a chassis, go through his post office, local postmaster, aterma, was indignant. “How long have you lived in Errinundera? Everything is odd in this country. Besides, I’ve never seen a car before, I wouldn’t know a car door if I fell over one.”
Magistrate carmenl said that it was unlikely that the matter would be investigated. “For sure, the law actually bans cars outright but the intention of the law is to prevent their use. There isn’t anything resembling a road within 250 kilometres of here and I can’t even begin to think where oldandlo could get some petrol. Having it in his living room clearly suggests to me that he only intends it for personal recreational usage in his own home.”
FANNY MOO COACH ORDERED TO DROP HERSELF – DROPS REPORTER INSTEAD
The Fanny Moo Football club committee last night made it clear to team coach sandrab that she no longer had a playing future with the club. “We sincerely want her to continue as coach,” said club convenor, extrica, “but, the truth is, she’s past it as a player. She’s just too old and too slow. For fifteen years she has been the backbone of the side and given us loyal service but now we all have to accept that, as a player, she is a liability.” Our reporter tried to get sandrab’s response but was punched out. We will get the full story once the pins have been removed from his jaw.
FANNY MOO COW REMAINS RECEIVE SOLEMN INTERMENT
Following receipt of the final test results from the University of Milosis, the final remains of the victims of the Ploser – May bovine genocide were laid to rest beneath the spreading branches of Fanny Moo’s sacred tree, CUNNUSVACCAE. In all 45 footballs, 89 football boots, 1024 other shoes of various descriptions, 33 whips, 247 corsets, a saddle and 2 car bucket seats were buried in a moving ceremony led by the village mayor, vacam, and local magistrate, carmenl.
FANNY MOO’S BIGGEST SUCK FOUND
Spring is here in Errinundera. The days are getting longer; the nights warmer, the rain more persistent. The forest is damp and lush. The leeches are multiplying. Yes, it can only mean one thing. The annual blood-sucking contest is upon us. The rules are simple. You train up your leech, bring it to the sacred tree, CUNNUSVACCAE, attach it to an exposed part of your body under the supervision of judges and whoever has the biggest leech after one hour is the winner. With hundreds of people arriving from all over the nation to witness this famous event, rivalry between the contestants is fierce.
This year’s winner is mucus, an eight year old whose leech, spot, attained a diameter of 6 cm after gorging itself on her neck (the place favoured by competitors). The judges said that local postmaster, aterma, would have won easily had his leech, twinkles, not exploded in the 48th minute. Prior to popping twinkles had achieved the mind-boggling diameter of 10 cm. This was seen as poetic justice by many observers as it was widely rumoured that twinkles had been on a course of steroids for several weeks.
FORMER PROTECTOR OF TRADE INTERCEPTED AT McKILLOPS BRIDGE
The former Protector of Trade, invidio, tried to slip unnoticed into Errinundera recently. Advance warning of his arrival was received in time for thousands of stern and determined McKillopians to intercept him at the city docks as he came down the Snowy River. After haranguing him for four and a half hours the crowd then dumped him in the bin marked "PLEASE LEAVE ALL MEAT, LEATHER, GUNS AND CARS IN BIN PROVIDED". He managed to climb out 24 hours later, reportedly a broken man.
Football star and final-year undergraduate Magistracy student at the McKillops Bridge Polytechnic, snapier, is shocked at what happened. “Errinundera is a party to the United Nations covenant prohibiting cruel and unusual punishment. Being thrown in a container of rotten meat, mouldy leather plus assorted guns and cars is just about the worst thing I can imagine being done to a person. The trauma he must have suffered is hard to imagine. He is lucky that Errinundera has a free and extensive health system. Furthermore, I am in touch with community organisations that are happy to shelter him and provide him with all the tender, loving care he needs.”
(Note: invidio was implicated in the leather substitute substitution racket.)
HEADACHE AHEAD FOR CHAMP
Outsider, tuncl, won this year’s golden top award with a specimen that measured 198 mm across and weighed 700 gm. He figures his family will have a merry time for at least the next couple of weeks. “This should have us completely off our faces.” Mayor vacam awarded tuncl with the customary packet of headache tablets.
HUNT ON FOR MISSING BOOT
The Vegan Marxist Party Inc has complained to Fanny Moo authorities that insufficient football boots were buried at the recent interment of bovine relics. “It’s simply a matter of arithmetic,” says VMPI activist, aroha. “89 football boots were buried. Boots are always sold in pairs. There must be at least one other boot somewhere. This wrecks the credibility of the entire ceremony. How many other leather items are still out there awaiting a decent burial?” Through an interpreter, sniffer wombat, kaboof, said she would look out for any leather items in her normal rounds. “Does leather taste good?” was her concluding remark as she dragged her trainer, whoaboy, into the Fanny Moo undergrowth in pursuit of another meal.
RARE ORCHID THROWS RAIL TRAVELLERS FOR A LOOP
Several healthy specimens of the rare Ulysses orchid have been discovered growing between the tracks of the main Fanny Moo – Bonang rail line. All services have been cancelled while the line is rebuilt around the site. Regular commuters are thrilled. “I had thought the orchid had gone forever from the district,” said accountant, peronalityp. “Now that I know it has been found again I don’t mind taking the longer trip via Goongerah.”
SANDRAB BANISHED FROM FANNY MOO
Fanny Moo magistrate, carmenl, today completed her enquiry into the alleged assault of our reporter by former international football star, sandrab. In a sad demonstration of how low she had sunk, sandrab appeared at the hearing, held under the spreading branches of the sacred tree CUNNUSVACCAE, in an inebriated state. carmenl found that the alleged charge had occurred and sentenced the one time leighm medallist and 1st division coach to 2 years banishment from the village.
A contrite sandrab told journalists as she waited at the nearest train station that she was headed for McKillops Bridge. “My heart is broken. Fanny Moo is my soul. Fanny Moo is Forest. Forest is Fanny Moo. Nothing can ever replace my home forest. My village has decided and, because I love Fanny Moo, I gladly accept my punishment. Luckily I am good mates with snapier who will look after me until I can get back on my branch again.”
SPRING EQUINOX TRAGEDY
Fanny Moo’s Spring Equinox celebration ended in disaster yesterday when a giant limb fell from the sacred tree, CUNNUSVACCAE, and crushed 15 people. Meteorologists had warned celebrators all over the plateau that high winds would make under-tree activities hazardous.
Typically, Errinundrians ignored the warnings and cavorted anyway. In Kanooka Creek one particularly large housetree was uprooted, destroying three houses. Fortunately, in this instance, none of the residents were in the tree – they were all out dancing naked in the wind. “Just goes to show that staying indoors wasn’t the answer either,” said a relieved ex-householder, smacko.
Here in Fanny Moo the 15 victims will be buried once the winds die down.