Manuelo Fernanda
| |
|---|---|
| Nickname | "The Destructor from Del Fuego, Mexico" |
| Nation | Omigodtheykilledkenny |
| Title | President of the Federal Republic |
| Vice President | Antigone Morgan |
| Term in office | June 6, 2005 - June 6, 2010 |
| Predecessor | John Thorne (2000-2005) |
| Birthdate | May 31, 1975 |
| Place of birth | Paradise City, K.M.D., or "Del Fuego, Mexico," depending on the biography |
| Previous occupations | Professional boxer; reality TV star |
| Political affiliation | God-fearing, Freedom-loving Conservative Patriot Party |
| Languages | English, Spanish (mostly swear words) |
| Education | College dropout |
| Accomplishments |
|
| Presidents of Omigodtheykilledkenny | ||
| Jim Grady (1995-2000) |
John Thorne (2000-2005) |
Manuelo Fernanda (2005-present) |
Manuelo Fernanda (GCRC) [1], aka "the Destructor from Del Fuego, Mexico," is the charismatic president of the Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny. Formerly known for pro-boxing, the middleweight earned his fame on "South Park," when he got in the ring with Hong Kong singer Wing and beat the hell out of her [2]. A native of Paradise City or Del Fuego, depending on the biography, he was elected president on the God-fearing, Freedom-loving Conservative Patriot Party ticket in 2005. The first Latino and Roman Catholic, and at 30 the youngest man ever elected president, Fernanda has developed a reputation as something of an international playboy while in office, mostly going for diplomats and women in power. His administration has been notorious for a cavalier disregard for international opinion, a certain disdain for the United Nations, and setting a record for most rogue nations invaded in a single term.
Contents
Boxing Career
Fernanda, born and raised in a Spanish ghetto in Paradise City, has been boxing since he was 16, when kids used to tease him about his muscles. Having been expelled from six consecutive high schools for pulverizing his tormenters in the student body, his mother finally suggested that he channel his rage into a sport. Fernanda liked the idea, but his ensuing foray into figure skating didn't take. Despondant and unsure of what to do with his life after school, a friend told him, "You know, you have a pretty good right hook; why don't you go into boxing?" Fernanda immediately clobbered him for not also mentioning his magnificent uppercut punch.
Following the friend's funeral, Fernanda decided to honor him and follow his advice. He joined an amateur boxing league and enrolled as a health-science major at Our Lady of Perpetual Belligerence College in nearby Basin City, where he was suspended for a fraternity prank involving streaking a sorority fundraiser, an impromptu wet T-shirt contest and some scandalous Polaroids; then expelled for seducing his history teacher, who also happened to be a nun -- an offense for which Fernanda also faced excommunication, but got out of it by convincing The Vatican that the nun was a total skank.
'The Destructor from Del Fuego, Mexico'
Fernanda -- aside from having an annoying habit of showing up at his colleague's matches to taunt them and pelt them with candy, peanuts and spitballs -- is undefeated as a professional (which incidentally is how he earned the nickname "the Destructor"), having won two world titles and competed 27 times (scoring a total 19 KOs) in three different weight divisions since turning pro in 1998. In the course of his career, he has defeated three former and then-world champions (including Oscar de la Hoya), a mutant cyborg, a genetically engineered warrior penguin, an insolent horse and Rosie O'Donnell. Mike Tyson also tried to pick a fight with him one night at a club in Los Angeles, but, valuing his ears, he wisely chose to run away like a bitch.
In 2005, the Destructor competed on Sylvester Stallone's "The Contender," where he became an instant crowd favorite, but was tossed off the show after 11 episodes when producers discovered that his credentials as a native of "Del Fuego, Mexico" were suspect at best -- and that such a town in Mexico probably didn't even exist. It was no matter, for Fernanda soon found another opponent's face to rearrange.
Fernanda vs. Thorne
It was a dispute over pornography, and then President John Thorne's criticism of the porn industry, that would lead to the Destructor's foray into politics. Secret Service officers ended up questioning him over a January 2005 incident in which he fired off an angry letter to the president containing numerous threats and insults, a challenge to meet him outside the Capitol Building after dark, and the immortal words, "Hey bitch! Don't take away my porn!" Thorne responded with a form letter, an inpardonable transgression in the eyes of Fernanda, who up till then had always faced off with his opponents in person and one-on-one.
He began to pursue Thorne, showing up at the 10 Frowning Street Executive Plaza in Paradise City, but when staffers there refused to allow him into the building, Fernanda held vigils outside and started showing up at presidential speeches and appearances all over the country, winning widespread media attention for himself, and the eternal gratitude of porn stars everywhere. Jenna Jameson was on hand for one of Fernanda's vigils, and Michael Moore even showed up from time to time to film some of the campaign, later incorporating the footage into a political documentary entitled "Fernanda vs. Thorne: Rumble in the Capital."
And so it happened that Fernanda was heckling the president at a February 2005 speech in Marsh Islands when Thorne finally decided to confront his stalker. The two got into a heated exchange where Fernanda would shout at him: "Hey asshole! Why don't you bring your fucking bitch attitude to the ring?!" "The boorish malcontent may have a point," responded Thorne thoughtfully. "You, sir, may place your hat in the ring, and I'll put in mine."
Fernanda was satisfied. "Damn fucking right I will!" he shot back.
2005 Presidential Election
The next day Thorne announced his candidacy for president, and news reports told of Fernanda's intention to challenge him -- prompting Fernanda to inform the president, in his own uniquely tactful manner: "I meant the boxing ring, retard!" With much of the public clamoring for him to run, however, he had little choice but to announce his own candidacy as a Conservative. Besides, a run for president would be a great opportunity to meet women.
Got (Campaign) Issues?
Though Fernanda's status as a celebrity won him instant name recognition, powerful corporate sponsors, and endorsements and cash from the entertainment community, the race remained extremely tight, with most polls showing a dead heat throughout. Foreign policy was a main issue, with Thorne promising to "continue to apply internationally recognized standards of law established in UN resolutions and international agreements and treaties to carry our message to the world," and Fernanda retorting, "Who the fuck cares what the UN thinks?! We're resigning from that piss-fest on Day One!" (a promise that wouldn't be fulfilled till nine months after he took office). Fernanda also maintained that Thorne's foreign policy was "boring" and without character, and that the nation should take a more aggressive stance against terrorists and rogue states. He promised to "kick some major terrorist ass!", and even went so far as to call the president unpatriotic and "a pussy" for having not invaded anyone in his entire term. When Thorne in turn questioned Fernanda's maturity and fitness for office, Fernanda responded by persuading independent third-party groups to smear Thorne's stellar war record.
Attack of the Gnomes
With the campaign quickly shaping up as one of the dirtiest in the history of the Federal Republic, UN Compliance Ministry gnomes upped the ante by confronting Fernanda and Alex Tehrani, his foreign-affairs adviser and de facto campaign manager, one night outside a hotel where they were staying. "Don't like the UN, huh? Well, you just haven't been properly 'educated' yet! We'll teach you!" they shrieked with sadistic glee as they kicked the men's shins and climbed up their legs to try to bite them in the crotch. As the two squirmed about trying to get rid of the nasty creatures, gnomes stationed in a tree overhead dropped rocks on their heads, rendering them unconscious and allowing their attackers to snap embarrassing pictures of them in compromising positions. The incident won the gnomes Fernanda's unrelenting contempt, and the organization they represent his enduring indifference.
A week later, in his first televised debate with Thorne, Fernanda continually taunted him with verbal insults and obscene comments about his mother, and pelted him with spitballs as he spoke. His highly amusing antics actually brought him up in the polls slightly.
Showdown at Caesars Palace
The next debate, to be held at Caesars Palace, would be more of a challenge. Thorne was baffled when he arrived at the agreed upon venue to find a boxing ring and thousands of hooting, hollaring fans. He was tossed into the ring, as Michael Buffer's voice boomed: "Fighting in the red corner, wearing the blue and white shorts, the Destructor from Del Fuego, Méjico, MANUELOOO FERRRRRRRNANDA!!!!!" Fernanda punched the air to loud cheers and proud waving of the Mexican flag in the audience. "... And fighting in the blue corner, wearing a dark gray, buttoned down fancy-shmancy suit and red tie, the President of the Federal Republic, John Thorne!" There was a chorus of boos as Thorne gazed out over the crowd like a deer in the headlights. "Now, lllllllet's get ready to ruuuumbllllle!!" declared the announcer as the president was pushed to the center of the ring along with Fernanda, Judge Mills Lane informing them he wanted a good, clean fight.
The starting bell sounded, and wild cheers rang out as Fernanda flew at his opponent with all the fury of a man possessed. Not sure what else to do, Thorne launched into his debate talking points. "The Federal Republic should be a beacon of democracy to the world," he declared as Fernanda delivered a swift right jab to his cheekbone, the audience groaning ecstatically. Thorne recoiled, tasting blood, and straightened up again, brushing off his suit. "Our foreign policy should be an expression of our values, not our fears," he announced to the crowd. BOOM! Uppercut. It carried on like this; Thorne went down inside fifteen minutes, and Fernanda was declared victor.
Omigodtheykilledkenny's relentlessly dumb citizenry loved Fernanda's publicity stunt, and the walloping he dealt their insufferable gasbag of a president. And even though the Secret Service arrested him, because, technically, assaulting the president is a crime, voters awarded the Conservative challenger a solid lead in the polls -- which quickly disappeared after last-minute scandals involving a cop Fernanda was certain was a callgirl, and embarrassing reports of what the boxer purportedly said about Hitler in outtakes from "The Contender." Election-eve polls showed the two once again in a dead heat, but Fernanda won easily, with a 26.3 million-vote lead in the popular vote, and 430 electoral votes.
2005 Presidential Election Results
| Candidate | Electors | Popular Vote |
|---|---|---|
| Fernanda (C) | 430 | 291,890,585 |
| Thorne (L) | 295 | 265,560,084 |
| Other | 0 | 12,418,852 |
Fernanda Administration
Fernanda's term in office has been marked by a muscular approach to fighting terrorism and habitual invasions of third-world nations, although the president himself has done little more than chase tail, smoke weed and chug Arrogant Bastard Ale, delegating most important duties to Tehrani, his secretary of state. However, Fernanda's entertaining persona and colorful off-hand public remarks have earned him a little-deserved honeymoon with his constituents. A September 2006 Paradise City Town Crier poll put his approval rating at 68 percent among Kennyite registered voters [3], with a "more scientific" survey conducted by PINA in January 2007 placing it at 54 percent. [4]
Aside from bragging about doing the Karmicarian ambassador every night, Fernanda's foreign entanglements have included invasions of the isle of Tiki Taki (where the promised weapons of mass destruction were not found, save the natives' spears, but the ideal spot for a tropical presidential getaway was) and the Holy Otaku Church of The Eternal Kawaii. The president has been accused of carrying on a most unethical affair with the Cobdenian ambassador, seducing foreign royalty, sexually harassing his vice president, and appointing close friends to important posts in his administration, including Tehrani as secretary of state and Jack Riley as ambassador to the UN. His defense secretary has also been dubbed a warmonger with purported connections to the Mafia, and his attorney general is notorious for douchebaggery.
