Moltan Bausch
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Moltanus Keinhart Bausch (born August 17, 1956) is a Gruenberger diplomat, currently serving as Ambassador to Omigodtheykilledkenny. He is most famous for his time as Gruenberg's second Ambassador to the United Nations. He had previously been one of the most decorated officers in the history of the Gruenberger Army, a successful businessman, and a government official, including serving an infamous spell as Governor of the Gelzien Nub.
During his army service in the Gelzien Nub, Colonel Bausch led Operation STFU to wipe out the last remnants of the Gelzien insurgency. He then moved into business, investing heavily in Gruenberg's mining industry, before seeking public office. In 2002 he was appointed Governor of the Gelzien Nub, overseeing a brutal clampdown on civil liberties in which over 10,000 people "disappeared". He then returned to Flurthwel to orchestrate Gruenberg's entry into the United Nations, serving as Chief of Staff to the Office of UN Affairs before being promoted to serve as Ambassador. He quickly established himself as a vocal proponent of national sovereignty, allying himself to members of the National Sovereignty Organization and passing four repeals of assorted resolutions he saw as infringing on Gruenberg's sovereignty. His first major success was in his enthusiastic support for efforts to repeal the Protection of Dolphins Act. He gained notoriety as one of the few social conservatives within the General Assembly, and later became an increasingly dogmatic proponent of neoliberal trade policies. He authored seven resolutions in total, the most notable of which was the Abortion Legality Convention, attempting to end discussion of abortion within the UN, and seen as a major success for the sovereigntist movement.
Bausch was one of the most active representatives in the General Assembly during his term of office, frequently becoming embroiled in heated debates on resolutions, and offering often less-than-constructive criticisms of new proposals. His vitriolic rants, foul-mouthed tendencies and open sexism did not endear him to many delegates, but he was close friends with several, including Jack Riley, Horatio Sulla and Nadnerb bin Cluich. At home, he was exceedingly popular, but began to gather increasingly harsh criticism as time went on. Following the failure of Repeal "Banning the Use of Landmines", a misguided attempt to force a poorly-written and potentially disastrous free trade proposal through, and a notable drop in the standard of his conduct, he was dismissed from office, and returned to Gruenberg in disgrace. His career was rescued, however, by his skilful handling of the Antarctic Oasis Economic Advancement Agreement, and he was appointed to lead the embassy in Paradise City. He is presently negotiating a proposed Antarctic Oasis defense pact.[1]
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Early life
Born in Kemf Waaschtechen, a small town in Stammerslab, Bausch is the eldest son of Eisodor and Krakalopowot Bausch. When he was 4 they moved to Flurthwel, where his siblings Rittek, Lerna and Bnep were born. His father was a wealthy textiles merchant, and his family had a history of public service, high social status, and violent mental instability. From an early age it was clear that he would be suited to a career in the Gruenberger diplomatic corps: he was expelled from the exclusive Raasbeh Academy For Little Lords at age eight for stabbing a classmate in the neck with a wooden sword.
He went on to attend the prestigious Wellen School, where he was an outspoken and disruptive student, who found success within the school cadet force and sports teams, as well as with a couple of the dinnerladies. He also gained his first experience of rhetoric when he was forced to explain trading the debate team's minibus for a month's supply of frozen yogurt. His time at the Central University of Flurthwel was undistinguished academically — originally registered to read Political Science, he switched courses in his second year, and ended up taking a Basic Certificate in Bee-Keeping, obtaining a Merit for his intricate comb-work — but saw him captain the football team through an undefeated season, lead the Officer Training Corps, and learn to down a pint in four seconds. He stayed on to complete postgraduate studies - although it remains unclear what, and indeed whether, he actually researched.
Military career
In 1987, a uprising in the Gelzien Nub saw his return to frontline action there. He served throughout the Final Campaign, taking on increasingly significant operational responsibilities, and becoming the public face of the counter-insurgency forces. He was popular with the media and the public, but despised by most Gelziens, and he was frequently denounced for human rights abuses and war crimes by international observers. By 1986, he had become the first man to win the Gruen Cross three times, obtained the rank of Senior Colonel, and commanded the historic operation to finally force a surrender from the Gelzien Resistance Front. He was admired as a leader and tactician, and tipped for a future post with the General Staff, but was sadly discharged from the Army on medical grounds, after sustaining shrapnel injuries during a panty raid on a nurses' dorm.
He was offered a place on the board of Gsgsgsgsgsgsgsfffffffffft Industries. He told them to fuck off until they came up with a more sensible name, and embarked on a year-long 'cultural tour of the world', at the end of which he was treated for minor cirrhosis. In the meantime, Gsgsgsgsgsgsgsfffffffffft had renamed themselves United Uranium, and Bausch accepted a position as Commercial Director. His first act was to suggest the company abandon their novelty keyring projects, and concentrate on actually mining uranium.
Bausch the businessman
He held the position of Commercial Director for eight years, taking United Uranium into a position of national dominance through a mixture of ruthless business strategies and thumb-screws. By the early 720s, United Uranium had established a total monopoly in the Gruenberger mining sector, no doubt aided by massive Court hand-outs, mostly arranged by Bausch himself. He was also allowed to sit in as an official observer on the negotiations with New Greater Tibet to allow Gruenberger corporations — led by United Uranium — increased access to Tibetanese uranium deposits. One of his most significant achievements was negotiating a merger with Combined Chemical Manufactures, and he is believed to have been the principle author of the contract (the text of which read "We get to keep your assets; you get to keep your kneecaps"). His relationship with United Uranium ended on a sour note, however, when his increasingly audacious expenses claims began to cause concern in the accounting department. When they refused to allow him to charge a helicopter as 'communications optimisations', he stormed out. Subsequent accusations of massive embezzlement attracted the interest of the State Department of Foreign Affairs, who approached him with a job offer.
Bausch the bureaucrat
Little is known of Bausch's activities during his time as Deputy Secretary of Administration in the DoFA. He has suggested that this apparent lack of industry is actually on account of many of the projects on which he worked being classified. A more likely hypothesis is that he just spent most of the time in the local pub, as evidenced by many photographs and two police cautions.
However, in the late 720s, rumours began to circulate that Gardab IX was seeking to bring Gruenberg into the United Nations. Bausch immediately responded to this with a 7,000 word article in the Gruenberg Times & Citizen (4,000 of which were "fuck") in which he lambasted those who would "bend our proud nation in subservience...to foreign devils and infidels". He ended with an explicit and anatomically detailed explanation of where the international community "should stick itself". He is reported to have also drawn crude diagrams; these were not printed. Within a week he was appointed to head the newly founded Gruenberger Office of UN Affairs.
Office of UN Affairs
For the period leading up to Gruenberg's first entry into the UN, Bausch was tasked with advising the Court on implementation of UN resolutions. He advocated a policy of borderline non-compliance, and hired noted Gruenberger lawyer Lori Jiffjeff to aid in him formulating a strategy in implementing legislation without forcing too great a shift in Court policy. Their efforts were initially slow and unproductive, in part hindered by Jiffjeff's bringing 18 consecutive cases of sexual harassment against Bausch (prefacing her notes on the 14th with "Oh come on he's not even trying to hide it anymore") but, over time, they brought Gruenberg around to a state of readiness to enter the UN.
As Bausch hired and trained staff, appointed all of the major advisors, and prepared the operation for the move to the UN headquarters, he must have felt confident that he would assume the role of ambassador. His disappointment when the Sultan instead chose his nephew, Zlott, was apparent: he is reported to have spent three days wandering the streets of Flurthwel headbutting people, trees, lampposts, and a small pigeon. Nonetheless, he did eventually calm down enough to formally accept Zlott.
Ambassador to the UN
After the debacle of Zlott's resignation following the the Transgender Equality Act, and the failure of that proposal, Gardab IV announced his intention to return Gruenberg to the UN. He also made it clear that he wished the new ambassador to make a more vocal role in UN affairs. To prove that he was that 'more vocal' person Gruenberg needed, Bausch screamed obscenities into the Sultan's ear for three days straight, finally collapsing of severe respiratory distress. He awoke in hospital to find he had been given the role. Three days later, he was back in hospital, this time the subject of minor liver surgery. A week later, he had taken up his post at the UN.
He arrived in a flurry of publicity, not for his bold rhetoric or political views, but rather his fascination with quoting Beatles lyrics. This initially led to him being mistaken for Ringo Starr. His first act was to attempt to justify Gruenberg's stance with regard to The Law of the Sea: this led to declaration of war by several parties, culminating in the Battle of the Thermometers. It then took him all of four days to decide that he had become a UN legal expert, and begin dispensing advice, a trait that many have found extremely annoying and indicative of a sublime arrogance. After repeatedly asking to smoke in the Strangers' Bar (and ignoring the rather large signs permitting such) he asked one final question of the General Assembly, enquiring after the location a guide written by the representative from DemonLordEnigma. In doing so he inadvertently started a monumental shit storm between several representatives, notably those of Powerhungry Chipmunks and Enn.
