- The title given to this article is incorrect due to technical limitations. The correct title is gabriellen.
Unlikely hero of Errinundera's campaign in World Cup 5. Ungainly and seemingly unskilled she dazzled her fans with her on-field and off-field feats. Disappeared at sea while on a research expedition after retiring from football.
Graduated from the First Creek Falls University with a Bachelor of Science majoring in genetics and vertebrate zoology. Took a break from study to pursue a football career. On retiring from football, she continued post-graduate research in marine zoology - no mean feat given that Errinundera is a landlocked nation.
- Stats include qualifying matches .
- leighm medal is voted upon by the Errinundrian coaching staff for the Player of the Series.
- 6 goals, including in 2 in the first half of the first game she played. Errinundera's top scorer.
- 6 leighm votes - 2 behind the winner, sandrab.
- Errinundera qualified but didn't progress beyond the group stages.
- Quercustan: 2 goals; rested in 2nd half with leg soreness
- Pilot: 1 goal; limping just before half time and substituted; diagnosed as groin strain
- Vthnaar: Did not play - cranked lower stipple
- khenry (noted gynaecologist): “It is a very unusual for soccer players to suffer this sort of injury. In fact, it is an extremely rare thing full stop. My only previous knowledge of it occurring is during excessively enthusiastic and vigorous foreplay. Upper stipple injuries aren’t so odd, but the lower stipple is well protected by a thick layer of fatty tissue. As you know, gabriellen is a very slender player and perhaps she did not have enough of the fatty glumal tissue to afford her the usual protection. In any case the injury is not long-lasting and she should miss only one match.”
- Vegimite: 1 goal in first minute of game and simultaneously mulched her squanda. Stretchered from the ground.
- Kingsford: Did not play - overexcited retollicus inducing a mulched squanda
- khenry (noted gynaecologist):“Mulching a squanda usually occurs with sudden movement an hour or two after having your retollicus overexcited. Clearly, gabriellen is a very active young person. With her level of fitness I imagine she will be available for the next match.”
- Amerigo:1 goal; completed game but had to be stretchered off the field after the game had ended when she injured herself performing cartwheels.
- Altamira: Did not play - strained hamstring
- Svrecia: Did not play - strained hamstring
- Dennisov: Did not play - strained hamstring
- filthyl (captain / coach): "I can’t believe it happened when she was doing cartwheels. Normally she can stand on her hands and spread her legs for me without any problems."
- Vegimite: 1 goal; team mates antarcticad (severe concussion) and oreadest (broken collarbone) were injured in separate collisions with her hips.
What People Said About Her
- firset (fan and later Errinundera's first World Cup hat-trick scorer): "She’s built like a wheatstalk – in the rain she’d have to jump around to get wet."
- spouth (football media commentator): “After all, she is only a receiver. The strength of Errinundera has been its engine room: filthyl, moschatuma and sandrab."
- phudson (team bootstudder on the reaction to her cranked stipple): “The captain has taken gabriellen’s injury very badly. Mention it and he goes very red in the face.”
- firset: "For some unknown reason gabriellen chose that moment to go arse-over-tit. Somehow in the tangle of arms and legs she deflected the ball into the top corner of the net. After that she had to be stretchered of the ground."
- phudson: “If gabriellen and filthyl could bring their off-field form to the next two matches we will be unstoppable.”
- fionar (team mate and future coach of the World Cup 7 winning side): “Her nose points in the wrong direction; her teeth are lopsided; she has the biggest, boniest hips you ever saw; and she’s knock-kneed. She’s serious, sober and scientific. Yet she’s the coolest babe you ever met. filthyl is her slave – he’d do anything for her.”
- willd (former partner and one-time leader of Errinundera): “She embodies all the most admirable qualities a person can have without the slightest hint of pretence or connivance. But most appealling is an apparent frailty that you first notice in her sadly beautiful eyes. But don’t be fooled. There’s a very capable and determined person there.”
- averagea (noted sociologist on why Errinundrians prefer her to antarcticad and oreadest): “These two blokes are spectacular, flambouyant, beautiful and extremely skillful. They have the most spectacular hairdos, bright green and vivid red, you will ever see on a football pitch. Overseas they capture people’s imaginations. But here it’s ho hum.”
- jlong (palentologist): "I don’t know for sure. I guess it’s because there’s so many wankers in football it’s good to see an intelligent person become a national hero by using her nous."
- donnal (leadlight artist): "She’s a self-deprecating, genuine person who copes with setbacks with a wry smile and still succeeds."
- martinab (tree doctor): "I’d do anything for her. I’d sleep at the foot of her tree to keep the wombats at bay. I’d single handedly take on the NGDV bulldozers for her. I’d bear her love-child."
- lionelm (high court judge): "There’s no bullshit at all with her. She examines the facts before her, quickly weighs up the options and unerringly makes the right decisions."
- squinte (optometrist): "She’s supremely beautiful. I’ve just had a child. We are going to name her ybriellen in her honour."
- paratchik (fiction writer): "People of all times and all nations will give her name to everything that is fine and strong, to all that is wise and beautiful. The first word I will teach my children shall be `gabi'."
- spouth (being consistent): “gabriellen is only a receiver. She wouldn’t have made any difference to the outcome."
- spouth (re-thinking the matter): “But she has a football brain second to none. On top of that she goes about her business in an undemonstrative way. You get to the end of a season and discover, much to your surprise, that she’s the leading goalkicker and then you wonder how she did it. And she just keeps doing it, year in, year out."
- filthyl (captain / coach): “She is absolutely wild in the tight clinches. And she is so determined. She’s as vigorous with herself as she is with anyone else.”
- phudson: “She’s a great mate.”
On Her Demolition of antarcticad and oreadest
- naughtys (unsuccessful artist): "antarcticad and oreadest are wankers. Between them they wouldn’t decorate a christmas tree."
- sandyc (librarian): "Clearly those foolish young men were in places they shouldn’t have been."
- marillad (nurse): "On her own she’s kicked more goals than them combined. The team won’t miss them."
- levlaf (revolutionary): "Change is always violent; victory is only achieved through struggle."
- phudson: “They were all fantastic. They all showed extraordinary courage.”
Life and Death After Footall
gabriellen and filthyl married after the World Cup 5 campaign concluded. She pursued her career as a marine zoologist and he as a politician. Four years later gabriellen was on a Japanese trawler studying the feeding habits of cuttlefish when the trawler, its crew and gabriellen disappeared without trace.
Many years later a small island was discovered in a remote tropical ocean. The inhabitants turned out to be descended from gabriellen and 10 Japanese fishermen. It is not known whether they were the survivors of some sort of maritime mishap or if they settled there deliberately. At the request of the inhabitants the island, which became known as Cuttlefish Island, was incorporated into Errinundera.
From the Archives
Read about gabriellen's descendents on Cuttlefish Island: SHOCK REVELATIONS ON REMOTE ISLAND